Yesterday, as I stood at your grave, I had nothing to say.
I probably wouldn't have been there if I wasn't just passing by.
Ten years of you being gone is not a celebration.

I've had a writer's block of something I think about every single day.
You could say I was "over it", but the truth is, I am in a different phase of grief.

One year after your death I was scared.  "This can't be my life"

Five years after your death - I was angry. "Why us?"

Ten years after your death - I realize you will forever hold a place in my heart. "Life goes on". 

Grief is such a personal thing:
No one can tell you how to grieve.
No one can tell you how long to grieve.
No one can tell you who or what you can grieve.
It just happens.

I have lived that day over and over in my mind for ten years now.  You were fine and then you were gone. 

There is no end to this story. It never ends, we live it every day. It only evolves. Ten years later, from a time when I couldn't imagine a life without you, I find myself can't imaging life with you. We have become our own little unit. We have found our footing and are just living life - missing you, of course, but not needing you.

This was the hardest remembrance post I have written. I have no words left. For now I will leave you with the ten things I will forever remember about you:

  1. Your confidence.  You had a beautiful quality of not caring what people thought.
  2. Your facial hair.  You spent more time on your facial hair than I ever thought was possible.  I acted annoyed, but I loved your pride.
  3. You were an amazing friend.  You were so loyal. You were a forever friend to everyone you met.
  4. You made me feel beautiful. All the time. 
  5. You could make anyone laugh. 
  6. You loved surprising people.
  7. You were so good. You just always knew what to do.
  8. You were organized.  Not an annoying organized, you just always had a good place to put things. 
  9. The way your hair curled over your baseball hats. 
  10. You cared about me more than I ever deserved. I know that sounds dramatic, but I was a brat. I really was. You made me realize how to be a part of a family and to love. 

 I'm glad I didn't know
The way it all would end
The way it all would go
Our lives
Are better left to chance
I could have missed the pain
But I'd have had to miss
The dance

-Garth Brooks, "The Dance"

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Hello..this is my blog. I bought this fancy theme and I don't know what to write here just yet. Maybe one day remind me I have to write something inspiring here?