I'm not lazy anymore...

Someone finally said it to me.  The F word. Fat.

I've been having some health problems recently and I was referred to a specialist at the hospital. 

This might sound dramatic, but on the day of the appointment, I knew something was going to change in my life. 

The freaking out commenced the night before the big appointment.  Many questions ran through my mind which then led to frantic shaving of all body parts. 

The morning of the appointment I was weighed, which really wasn't a surprise because I had been monitoring this at home.  I was taken to my own private room where I was instructed to remove my clothing and put on a hospital gown.  Thinking back now, this probably should have translated into "we are going to see your tits".  For some reason I was still confident that nakedness would not be happening in this room. 

When the technician came in to perform the ECG she started by asking if I had ever had an ECG before.  I quickly answered yes, even though I wasn't completely sure - next thing you know, she ripped off my gown and stuck things all over my body.  Which then confirmed that either a) I hadn't had an ECG before or b) this woman was really in to wardrobe malfunctions. 

Note: The technician was not Justin Timberlake. 

When she left, I did that frantic getting dressed thing.  You know where you try to put your clothes on as fast as you can before the doctor can do the dreaded "knock and walk".  You know, where they knock on the door once and walk in before you can say "my jub jubs are out!!"

Sure enough, just as I'm trying to put my bra on under my tank top, Doogie Howser and his sidekick Vinny knock and walk my room. Frozen with my arms awkwardly struggling behind my back, I'm sure with a horrified look on my face, Doogie told me I could put on my shirt.  Strangely the first thing I thought was that he didn't want to see my jubs.

After going over his annoying, much rehearsed and well read, spiel that I'm sure he gives to all the shy fatties, he did the worst thing a doctor could do - he told me I was fat - only like he totally beat around the bush and wouldn't say it.  He said things like "if you eat more healthy foods and get more exercise it will help with your blood pressure -- annnnnnd other aspects of your life".

Like seriously, just say it.  Tell me how much weight I need to lose.  Tell me I should go for runs and carry avocados around in my purse for those times I want to shove an Oh Henry down my throat hole, just don't pretend it will offend me if you tell me I'm overweight.

I weigh 2 pounds less than I did when I had my son ten years ago.  I'm pretty sure I know what that means. I was offended and I spent the rest of the time daydreaming about the hospital pudding I was going to eat when I left that room and not listening to him tell me not to eat Hot Pockets.

When the real doctor came in he said it how it is.  I need to lose 20 pounds.  Honestly, I was surprised. I was expecting the number to be a lot higher.  I had a goal - and I didn't have to listen to a 30 minute spiel about the nutritional value of Hot Pockets to get it.  After a ten minute pep talk and ideas, I left there with a goal that is attainable.

So that means I've been taking the stairs up to my apartment every single day.  Trust me, that's a shitload of stairs in a day.  We've been walking places and getting out to do activities around our city.  I'm eating better food.  Which means a lot of planning and a small fortune spent on Tupperware to make planning easier, but it's all going to be worth it. It has to be worth it because I really have no other options left.

We met really giant people

I wanted to eat here but - you know.

I decided I wasn't going to get a gym membership. I've had gym memberships many times before and not only are they expensive, but I get this mentality that it's a chore. I find myself always having to make time to go to the gym. It gets old fairly quickly for me, so I'm kind of just doing my own thing.

I've been getting a lot of tips from my superhero idol Jason David Frank who has some awesome tips for staying healthy without gym equipment, eating better and how to kick people's asses - really!

and I can't believe I'm saying this, but so far it seems to be working!  I'm already down eight pounds in just a week. I'm not saying it will last (I hope it will) because the willpower is weak in this one (just ask the cannoli I ate with my lunch today).  I just want to go back to my next appointment with Doogie and do that point in your face HA! thing that cool people do.

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Hello..this is my blog. I bought this fancy theme and I don't know what to write here just yet. Maybe one day remind me I have to write something inspiring here?


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