It's a start...

Sometimes it's hard for me to admit there is a problem. 
It's  mostly denial.  The feeling that "I got this".  It's under control.
but it never really is.

It's hard to make that step to get help.
The way to get through it is to just pick up the phone and call and be grateful when the person on the other end of the line knows you need help. Now.

I don't know what's wrong with me.
Why I'm different. Broken.
It's just that life is so much easier for other people. 
People who didn't lose him. 

I know.

I know.

So for your reading pleasure, and for the sake of those who have to be around me, I asked for help.
and I realized that it's getting easier to ask for help.


I realized this as I sat in that cold office, wringing my hands, feeling like a failure.

and I laughed. 

I don't know why. I laughed as I told him how mean I am to people.  I giggled as I told him I resented happiness in other people's lives because my life is going nowhere and I chuckled as I told him that I don't know what else to do.

Maybe it was a defense mechanism. 
I think it might have been a little bit of crazy.

Either way, I feel a little better tonight.
I got help.

It's a start.