Saying "Elephant Shoe"...

I have a love phobia.

I can easily say I love a lot of things... like the colour pink, strawberry sundaes, Bradley Cooper...the list goes on and on.

but I have a hard time saying I love real people. I just can't tell people I love them.  Even when they make it easy for me!

R. would say "I love you" and my response would be:

"...... *awkward silence where I try to think of something funny to say* uhm..yeah you too"

It's not that I didn't love him dearly, it's just hard for me to express my love I guess. 

I also don't like to be hugged.

Something that my co-workers find extremely hilarious.  It is kind of funny really because I claw out of a hug like a cat in a paper bag. I get panic attacks days before family gatherings because I know I will have to awkwardly hug a family member of two (or eleventy billion!).  This is how I hug: 



I just don't like being touched. It's not that anything ever bad happened, it's just that I was raised in a very "hands-off" family.  The only time we touched each other was when we were punching the crap out of each other. It was actually kind of okay.  

One time my mom hugged me - one time that I remember - I was just walking out the door to go to school and my mom came up and hugged me and told me she loved me.  She then told me that she was in a car accident the night before and almost died.  Perhaps I attribute hugs to bad things.

...and then my son was born (believe it or not, people who do not like hugs can still reproduce!)

My son, the most huggerific kid on the planet.  The kid wants to hug when he wakes up, he wants to hug before he goes to bed, he wants to hug for no purpose, he wants to hug when he is sad, when he is happy, right after he goes to the bathroom, when I am giving him crap for leaving his shoes in the middle of the floor...you name it, this kid wants a hug.

 I honestly wonder what planet he came from sometimes or if he really came from my womb. 

I love him more than anything, but I have a hard time showing it.  Sometimes when he wants a hug, I have to tell him "not right now".  Having to tell your child you can't hug them right now is awful.  I would never wish that upon anyone.  Don't get me wrong, I do hug him, but there are times when I mentally just can't do it. If too much thought goes into it - it can't be done.

But you know what? This kid is tenacious.  He knows not to give up on me, and I can't even begin to tell you how much respect for him I have because of that.  He knows he is loved, even though half the time I can't hug him or tell him how much I love him. 

I feel absolutely awful that he has to grow up with a mother like me sometimes.  Unfortunately, we can't pick our parents, but I am trying - really hard - to get over this.

This morning I told him I loved him as he opened the door to the car.  He kind of looked at me in shock and nervously babbled on about a video game - and it made me absolutely sad. No child should be in shock when their mother says I love you. 

My goal is to tell him I love him everyday.  I truly mean it, so it shouldn't be that hard to do. 

Trying to get myself back - piece by piece.