I am now realizing that I forgot to update the world on my GPS burglar situation.
I realize this makes me pretty much the worst blogger ever - but let me put it this way you mean people - I can only now just talk about it without wanting to punch myself in the face. This is me healing. So be nice.
Basically (in case you are too lazy to click the link above) a burglar broke into my (unlocked) vehicle and took my GPS. He left everything else alone..my passport, my driver's license and my spare change all left in my vehicle un-burgled. Oh but he did take the cord to plug my iPod into the stereo (THAT BASTARD!!)
After whining about my loss for days and feeling completely violated, I decided it was time to get even. To catch this burglar, I had to think like a burglar. Where would I get rid of my stolen crap to buy illegal drugs or kidneys - on KIJIJI of course. If you don't know what KIJIJI is, it's basically like Craigslist, only less creepy for some reason - I think it's because there are no as many people who want to turn you into a lamp on there.
I logged on to KIJIJI on a Sunday night and scoured through a whole weekend's worth of GPS units that had been stolen out of unsuspecting victim's cars (or at least that's how it looked to me). Then I saw it - my GPS!! I just knew it was mine. It was small and grey and it was a Garmin - totally mine! Plus this burglar was selling another GPS...who has two freakin GPS' to sell??? So I texted
the fool some guy named "Wayne" and asked him if he had the stand.
You see, the moron who stole my GPS forgot to steal the sticky thing that goes on the window. Maybe he knew I licked it like every day so he didn't want to get cooties - trust me, I am not wasting any more time trying to figure out why he wouldn't steal that up too.
Anyway, "Wayne" texted me back at 9:30 on a Sunday night to tell me that he did not have the stand for it. So then I asked him how old it was - and he said he didn't know and that his dad gave it to him.
There are two things I know about people named "Wayne": 1. They are burglars 2. They don't have dads. I wasn't born yesterday!
So I phoned the nice people at the police station. The kind officer who answered my call - bless his heart - pretty much thought I was a Captain Insano. I mean, he didn't come out and say it, but I could hear it in his policey voice. Plus he asked a lot of questions - and then he reluctantly dispatched a police officer to come to my home to talk to me about my missing GPS. Mr. Policeman told me not to talk to the burglar any more - he said so I don't "spook" him but I think he was really afraid for this guy's life if I found out where he lived.
I spent the next four hours cleaning my grout. Because you never know if there is some sort of law against dirty grout. I'm sure the officer would be looking at my tile grout so it had to be clean for when he came into my apartment. Plus I had to hide my weapons - the big knife in the chopping block, EVILBOY's t-ball bat and - wait I shouldn't be writing this. Forget I said anything, these are my attack weapons in case the burglar ever decides to come into my apartment and steal my underwear or something.
Finally at 1:30am my eyeballs were burning out of my head (probably from the grout cleaning fumes) and I decided that I should call back the police man who thought I was nutso and tell him to forget it all and that I will instead get bit by a spider and become a superhero vigilante to get my GPS back. The kind officer (who also probably thought I was nuts) told me that the officer had just checked in at my apartment and that he was downstairs.
Half an hour later the officer was buzzing for me to let him in - which is kind of strange because like what if I was a bad guy and I said "NO...you can't come in"...would he just go back to the station? So I buzzed him in and decided to open my door and wait in the hall like I do for the pizza man.
When I saw two big, giant police officers come around the corner I almost peed my pants. My first thought was "who sent me male strippers?" and then I thought "...and why would they wait til 1:30 in the morning on a work night to send these guys?" but then I realized that they had sent back-up. I have seen all 7 Police Academy movies - I am an expert in this kind of stuff.
Of course they were good looking. Of course I was in my pajamas and had crazy hair. Of course they thought I was crazy.
I gave them the printed KIJIJI ad, Wayne's cell phone information and the serial number of my GPS. I thought they were going to go right over and kick in Wayne's door (and hopefully crotch) and triumphantly bring me back my stuff, but apparently there is process for these sorts of things. I was warned to leave Wayne alone and to let them do all the work.
Approximately three days later, I was getting on my elevator I got a call from a blocked number. I thought it was the GPS burglar because he had called from a blocked number as I was texting him. I panicked and remembered what
The message went a little something like this:
Magic Mike: Hi crazy lady. We went to Wayne's house and kicked him in the face a few times - but turns out the GPS wasn't yours and it wasn't even stolen (he actually added that in for real!). Your nuts and you have bad hair - but your grout was really clean and nice. Also: 31-year-olds shouldn't wear Hello Kitty pajamas.
In all honestly, I still do not believe that those GPS' were not stolen. I do think that I underestimated Wayne's ability to use glamouring to get out of being arrested for burglarizing my shit. I still hate people named Wayne (except for Wayne's World Wayne - I used to want to be him. For real).
One thing this whole ordeal has taught me...I can find my way home from my mother's house without a GPS. So yaay I don't really need one anymore.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Hello..this is my blog. I bought this fancy theme and I don't know what to write here just yet. Maybe one day remind me I have to write something inspiring here?