Dear Sir/Madam/Bum/Loser/Piece of Crap:
I want to start off by thanking you for not breaking my windows or peeing in my cup holders or stealing my shopping cart quarter - that was very kind of you. However, I do have some things to let you know about my GPS that you helped yourself to from my glove box.
His name was Gary. He has taken me many places and I loved him dearly. In fact, the night you stole him, I was using him to get home from a car show with my aunt. I looked over at her and lovingly sighed, "You know, I can't live without this GPS". I bought Gary through my work about two years ago and it took me two pay cheques to save up for him. Even though he was only $100, my income does not allow me to just put $100 down on an item without saving up for it first - something you probably know nothing about because you just take. Hey, to each their own, but don't think I won't be sitting in my apartment one day, on my couch eating ice cream THAT I PAID FOR, while chuckling because you are probably in jail, dropping soap and being big Bubba's bitch. Because that's where burglars end up in a perfect world - and in my mind, my world is going to be perfect, because that helps me get through stupid shit like this.
I do realize I left my doors unlocked, and you know what, I am completely to blame for that! The car that I pay for with my hard earned money (and trust me, at the end of each month - around the time you stole my shit - is a very stressful time of the month for me because it is the time when all my payments are due) unfortunately does not beep when I press my clicky key thingy and I must have been too far away - completely my fault though.
I have to admit though, you are the shittiest burglar I have ever had the displeasure to encounter. You failed to take Gary's stand which was in the glove box with him, which pretty much renders him useless, unless you go and buy a new one - either way, if you try to sell him, you look totally sketch. Also, you forgot to steal all the change in my cup holder! There was around $2 in there! It is very rare for me to have that much money just sitting around in my car - so that's your bad. Also, you forgot to steal my passport and my driver's license, my CDs, my two flash drive thingys and my stereo. Seriously dude, crappiest burglar ever!
Also - stealing my iPod cord - so not cool. Now I have to order a new one from China on eBay and pay $2 (shipped). Thanks a lot for the hassle. I guess I'll use the $2 you left in my cup holder to replace that.
So I guess I have to thank you for the reminder to take my important documents into my home and to make sure my doors are locked. Also I want to thank you for reminding me that crappy things happen to people who work hard and do the right thing. I actually feel sorry for you a little because I have people who love me and I can go to bed at night and not have to worry about being caught for stealing a GPS and a $2 iPod cord.
My only hope for you is that my GPS takes you on a long drive off a cliff and that the iPod cord you stole catches on fire and burns you or you trip and it wraps around your neck and strangles you.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Hello..this is my blog. I bought this fancy theme and I don't know what to write here just yet. Maybe one day remind me I have to write something inspiring here?