30 Days of Truth - Day 30

Day 30 → A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself

Dear Nikki,

I love that you have grown up to be a somewhat normal person.  It really did get a little shaky for a while there in your early 20's when alcohol and boys were introduced, but we came out of it with grace (sort of) and have grown into a (somewhat) fine adult. 

I love that you survived it and came out of it as a better person (if that even makes sense). 

I love your imagination.  That even as a woman who is (almost) 30, you still have the imagination of an eight year old. 

I love that you are a girl who likes video games. At least you've got that going for you.

I love that you know how to ride a bike.  A lot of people take that for granted.  Learning to ride a bike was hard and included many accidents (like the time you rode your bike into an open car door - that one hurt a lot) but you got back on, because it was important to you and you wanted a basket with flowers on it. 

I love that your mom loves you a lot and she tells you that all the time. 

I love that you don't settle.  You have passion and fight for what you want (except for boys, you don't fight for boys because you are too shy).

I love that you made it through this stupid meme even though you thought you would never finish it. 

- From Nikki

30 Days of Truth - Day 29

Day 29 → Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.

I want to be more positive.  I would love to look at a situation and not think of dread or someone dying or getting hurt.  I want to be happy for people rather than jealous and angry.  I want to love myself more and feel secure with who I am. 

I want to learn a new hobby and have fun doing such hobby.

I want to sit at the dinner table and be interested in who told on who at the playground instead of rushing through our meal to get somewhere we are scheduled to be.

I want to paint.

I want to learn about gardening and birds.

I want to look forward to being 30.

I want to be more calm and less uptight.

I want to kiss somebody - in the rain...in New York.

I want to learn how to write better.

I want to learn how to take better pictures.

I want to laugh more - at least three times a day.  Not just any laugh, one of those true laughs that brings tears to your eyes.

I want to start making my bed every morning.

I want to go to bed at a decent time.

I want to be prettier.

I want to be healthier.

I want to use my time more wisely.

and learn things.

There is so much potential for change, I just need to find the courage to accept these changes.

30 Days of Truth - Day 28

Day 28 → What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?

First of all I would be calling the Guinness Book of World Records or Barbara Walters or something because it would be the immaculate conception of 2010.   Then I would probably look like this (again):

Which is totally fun because people look at you like "is she fat or pregnant?" and sometimes when they ask when you are do you can pretend to get all offended and when they get so embarrassed it looks like their head will pop off, you can casually say, "I'm due in January". 

but then I would get fat like this and miserable and realize that this is probably going to hurt and I will cry about stupid things, in fact most of the stupid things I cry about will probably come from my own mouth so it will be way worse. 

You are lucky I cropped out my undies.  It was a tragic wardrobe choice that day.

Conversations that made me cry went like this:

"I'm fat" 
"Yes you are"

"WAAAAHHHHH"

I don't know how anyone could ever live through that with me again. 

Portable North Pole is BACK!!

This year, Portable North Pole is back and better than ever and brought to you by the wonderful people at RedFlagDeals.com!  Not only can you send a message to your kids from the big fat guy, but you can also send a message to your co-workers and friends, or even a Scroogy neighbour.


EVILBOY still believes in Santa Claus and programs like this help to erase the doubts from his young mind.  It helps to keep the magic alive.  Seeing him watch the screen in awe as Santa relays a message made especially for him, his little jaw hanging open, eyes as big as Frosty's head.  It's just magical to see that belief still alive in kids.



I couldn't resist making a message to myself from myself this year. 

So happy holidays to you all, enjoy and be safe and don't forget to send out your very own Portable North Pole Message:

http://www.PortableNorthPole.ca

30 Days of Truth - Day 27

Day 27 → What’s the best thing going for you right now?

This is the hardest one for me, at this time, because just the other day I was thinking "nothing is going right for me at this point in my life".  It actually is kind of frustrating.  I see all my friends buying homes, getting married, having babies and I am just - well stuck.

The best thing going for me right now I guess would have to be that our other kitten is working out well in our home.  She is actually a joy to have around because our other cat is no longer lonely during the day and her personality is just adorable.  It makes coming home at the end of the day that much better to have an extra little face to make me smile.

Baby steps.  

It will all get better.

Things I didn't have going for me when I was a baby - My odd misshaped head

30 Days of Truth - Day 26

Day 26 → Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?

When I was a teenager, there were plenty of times that I thought giving up on life was the right decision.  I had thought of ways to do it, but I could never follow through with more than a plan.  I remember in grade 10 or 11 a kid (and I even still remember his first and last name) committed suicide and they dedicated a whole page to him in the yearbook.

I didn't want a whole page in the yearbook to be about my death.  It just didn't seem right at such a young age to have nowhere to turn and nothing to look forward to.

After I became a mother I thought about giving up one time.  I remember every crease in my duvet as I cried into my knees.  I felt useless and that I couldn't go on without him in my life.  It didn't take me long to shake that thought from my head.  EVILBOY needs me, and even though every day may not be happy and maybe things don't always work out they way they should, I have to be there for him.

I got help.

and it honestly was one of the hardest things I ever had to do.

but I feel better.

30 Days of Truth - Day 25

Day 25 → The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
 
I am alive today because I have so much to live for.
I have things to accomplish.  People to make happy.
Watching him grow into a man.

I am alive today because I really do love being alive.
There are things in life that can make you happy no matter what.

Things like a nice breeze, kittens, the ocean, The Shoop Shoop Song by Cher.

Sure things can be difficult at times, but overcoming these hard times makes life worth living.
Everything that is thrown at you only makes you stronger.

I am alive because there are cheeks to pinch and puppies to play with.  Kids laughter to hear and school plays where I get to be a proud parent in the audience.

There will be tears, but there will be loved ones to help me through them.

I am lucky to be alive.

30 Days of Truth - Day 24

Day 24 → Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)

I decided to make my play list for you guys.  My very own Celebrity Play list for your listening pleasure!

Just because I like you lots.



MUSIC>PLAYLISTS OF NON-CELEBRITIES:

Released: November 24, 2010 Total: 20 Songs

EVILFLU's Playlist  1. "Gives You Hell" by The All American Rejects: "I've loved this song ever since the very first time I heard it. Then Glee ruined it. 2. "The Shoop Shoop Song" by Cher: "Who doesn't love The Shoop Shoop Song? The truth is, you can't be angry when this song is on. I listen to it on the way to work every morning. 3. "Darlin' Do Not Fear" by Brett Dennen: "I don't know who Brett Dennen is, but I just really like this song of his. It's one of those feel-good, catchy songs. There are about 11 billion more songs that sound like this one that I love - just because" 4. "Just The Way You Are" by Bruno Mars: "I'm not a huge fan of the top 40 hits, and the iTunes top 100 makes me want to - I don't know what it makes me want to do but it's terrible. I said it, the iTunes top 100 is pitiful - except for this song. I quite like it." 5. "True Love Ways" by Buddy Holly: "This song makes me wish I was old and like this song was still cool to listen to in your car. That is not the case though, but this is still such a charming song and I do listen to it in my car. If you think I am uncool - that is okay." 6. "The Greatest" by Cat Power: "I could fall asleep to this song forever. That's a good thing." 7. "Joey" by Concrete Blonde: "This song reminds me of my cousins. I love my cousins." 8. "Time After Time" by Cyndi Lauper "I used to listen to Cyndi Lauper when I was EVILBOY's age. Her music never gets old." 9. "Babylon" by David Gray "This is an excellent road trip song. It also happens to be an excellent song. Way to go!" 10. "The Way I Am" by Ingrid Michaelson "Such a cute/lovely song." 11. "Last Goodbye" by Jeff Buckley "This is the theme song of my trip to England in 1998." 12. "Lovely Tonight*" by Joshua Radin "This is one of those songs that I just happened to start to love subconsciously. It took me a while to find it on my play list again and since I found it, I listen to it at least once a day." 13. "Making Memories of Us" by Keith Urban "This is the soundtrack of my life. Sort of." 14. "Said I Loved You...But I Lied" by Michael Bolton "If you haven't seen the video for this song you are missing pure epicness. EPICNESS." 15. "I Don't Love You" by My Chemical Romance "Love it. It's weird, I know, but this song took me through my emo phase." 16. "The Long Day Is Over" by Norah Jones "Try listening to this song before the long day actually is over...bet you can't do it!" 17. "Who Knew" by Pink "The lyrics tell the story of us. So weird." 18. "Let It Be Me" by Ray LaMontagne "I could listen to songs like this forever..." 19. "Please Do Not Let Me Go" by Ryan Adams "I probably could have put any Ryan Adams song in this spot. I absolutely love each and every one of his songs. The lyrics...listen to the lyrics *sigh* " 20. "Into The Mystic" by Van Morrison "This song was going to be so special..." * I could not find Lovely Tonight on Amazon so you get Sky instead which is a pretty decent song as well.

30 Days of Truth - Day 23

Day 23 → Something you wish you had done in your life.

I wish I would have rebelled more.

Let me explain.

I wanted to be a social worker.  My parents wanted me to be a computer programmer.

I hate computer programming - still to this day.

I wish I would have had the balls to stand up to them, put my foot down in my size 8.5 Doc Martens and say NO. 

Then I wouldn't have had to make the decision to eventually rebel later on when it ended up costing me a mini-fortune in student loans (stay in school kids, even if computer programming makes you want to smash your keyboard over the cross-dressing teacher's head when he/she(?) keeps picking on you in class). 

I'm kind of glad I'm not a social worker now, I don't think I could handle the sad stories of others - I get teary-eyed at Swiss Chalet commercials. It wouldn't be a good situation.

30 Days of Truth - Day 22

Day 22 → Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.

I wish that I would have loved him less.

Then it wouldn't have hurt so bad, for so long.

I wish that I didn't say those things.

Even though I apologized, I'm sure they affected him forever.

I wish that I didn't make all those plans for our future

Because now I'm living them without him.

30 Days of Truth - Day 21

Day 21 → (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?

To be honest, I don't think I would ever fight with my friends.  I pick my friends carefully, if you are bat shit crazy, you can't be my friend.

or something like that.

That being said, I never get in fights with my friends.  Nothing that couldn't be solved without a short stern discussion or a slap in the face.

I did have a fight with a friend once in grade 9.  I can't even remember what it was about, but I remember watching a scary movie alone in my family room later that night and looking at the window to see a face staring at me through the glass.  I screamed and jumped off the couch, only to realize it was my friend coming to apologize.  We laughed.  Fight over.

So to answer this (stupid) question, I don't think I would fight with my friend in the first place, at least we would solve our problem before he/she drove off like a moron. 

but to be fair and answer this (stupid) question (finally)
I would be there for my friend.

Life is too short.

30 Days of Truth - Day 20

Day 20 → Your views on drugs and alcohol.

Drugs and alcohol ruin people's lives.

I've seen it happen - too many times.

I've seen drugs turn someone I loved and respected into a cold-hearted monster.

They affect the people around you too.

Untrusting.

Watching your every move.

Wondering why you were burning candles in the middle of the night.

Drugs ruin people.

Angry Baby says 'Say NO to drugs'

Little Prince Winner!

 Congratulations to Nadine who wins a copy of The Little Prince Graphic Novel for tweeting the contest!  Nadine, please e-mail me at evilflu @ gmail . com with your address so we can get your novel out to you. 

Thanks for entering everyone!

30 Days of Truth - Day 19

Day 19 → What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?

Religion is something I always wanted to be a part of.  I grew up knowing very little about religion, something I regret very much.  I have never read the bible, we rarely went to church and we never prayed before a meal. 

To be quite honest, I'm not even really sure what religion I am supposed to be a part of. 

When I was a "tween" I attempted to join a church with my friend and attend Sunday school.  I remember buying a red dress from the Goodwill so I would have some "church clothes".  I wore that dress to a dance at the Boys and Girls Club once and was made fun of. 

I never really felt like I belonged in a church.  I feel like I have come too far in life to start now and to be quite honest, after everything I've been through recently, I don't feel like church is the right thing for me right now.

Maybe one day I will be ready to try and re-integrate ourselves.  I am not against religion, I am just not ready for it at this point in my life.

I am reminded of the Griswold's Christmas Vacation

I am reminded of the Griswold's Christmas Vacation

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30 Days of Truth - Day 18

Day 18 → Your views on gay marriage.

Gay people are very brave.  They have to overcome so many obstacles in life, and things never seem to come easy for them.

I know this very well because my little brother, my only brother, is gay.

I know he struggles at times, but he manages. He has made sacrifices, very brave sacrifices, but he knows who he is and he doesn't take the easy way out that will change who he is, and I love that about him.

I know that I always don't understand.  I had a hard time with it when I first found out, but I was there for him.  There really was a learning curve though.  A few times I said things or observed things and was called a "homophobe" and trust me, that is not the case at all.  I just don't understand sometimes.

Gay marriage? Sure! 

I have a hard time seeing how people can be against it.  That is how far I've come.

I want my brother to be happy.  I hope to one day attend his wedding that has gay ice sculptures and a big gay wedding cake and a gay band and sparkly gay tablecloths, you know if he wants that sort of thing.

30 Days of Truth - Day 17

Day 17 → A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.

Today I realized that I do not read enough.  So I've updated my iBooks to include some pretty awesome classics.  One book that does stand out in my mind though is Cher's autobiography (stop laughing - you can totally pick this up for $.40 on Amazon).  

I read this book during my days when I didn't want to get out of bed.  The lonely, dismal days after R. had died.  EVILBOY would be playing alone or sleeping and I would be in my pyjamas with a week's worth of knots in my hair, hoping that no one would come to the door to try to cheer me up that day. 

I don't even know why I picked up this book.  I think I just really liked the cover, which is how I pick many of the books that I read.  What I didn't realize at the time was that Cher had also experienced a great loss in her life.  Reading her words, and being able to associate myself with them really made me feel like a diva again.  I brushed my hair, I painted my nails, I got out of the house and went back to school. I was able to do all that because I got out of bed when I was able to relate to someone who is a superstar (and probably really awesome to hang around with).

I'm not saying this book helped me get out of my funk, it wasn't some sort of miracle like that, but I remember feeling less alone hearing of her loss (even though they weren't married, he was really a big part of her life).

I would also like to mention Red is Best which gave me the will to be stubborn!  Thanks for that.

My drool and uber-bald head were also the best.

 This may also be a good time to mention The Little Prince graphic novel contest which closes today at 6pm (est).  

Don't forget to enter!!

30 Days of Truth - Day 16

Day 16 → Someone or something you definitely could live without.

I could definitely live without:

• People that cut you off and then drive really, really slow
• People who play "You Ain't the First" on repeat
• People who complain because I park too close to the building which in turn makes them have to walk around my car. 
• People who complain too much
• Overdramatic people
• Big companies that try to rip off little old people (like me)
• Deers who ruin your favourite car (that's right, I'm still not over that!)
• Smelly people
• People who laugh like the devil
• Stupid people who tell on me
• Stupid people in general
• People who are all up in my shiz about things that are none of their business
• Mean people
• Smelly people (oh wait I said that already)
• Mean smelly people.  
• The stupid people who changed the stupid time change thingy and made it so the sun is blinding me all the way home now.
• Temper tantrums
• Dancing with the Stars 
• Having to pay bills
• Snobby people

The list could go on forever. You get the idea though. 

Don't get all up in my shiz, yo!

30 Days of Truth - Day 15

Day 15 → Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.

Some people are addicted to coffee.  Some people are addicted to shoes or cheesecake.

I am addicted to Coke

(or Pepsi)

I'm not too picky, as long as it's brown and fizzy. 

It's a habit I have been trying to break myself of for a long time.

BUT it won't go away.  If I don't drink one of these carbonated cans of yummyness at least once a day I get a killer withdrawal headache.

I know it is a gross, gross habit. Sometimes I even drink two cans a day. 

SO many times I have heard people in my office comment on how bad it is for you or how gross people are when they drink it, but I just can't give it up. 

It could be worse (maybe).  At least I'm not a smoker or addicted to crack. 

Sometimes I think I need an intervention. 

Coke, I love you, but you're making my butt big and my belly unhappy.

I probably had a big ol' glass of coke before this picture was taken.  Also: Teddy Ruxpin in the background FTW!

30 Days of Truth - Day 14

Day 14 → A hero that has let you down. (letter)

Dear Mark,

You are not a hero, but you began as one.  You had the intention to be there, but you chose not to, for whatever reason, and that makes you a failure.  A failure as a role model, a failure as a father, a failure as a friend and as a decent human being.

I even gave you the chance to redeem yourself and to try to explain to me why. I never asked you for anything, even though I suffered without a lot of what I really could have needed growing up.  When I gave you that chance, you ran away again, only this time it hurt a lot more because this time I wasn't a child who needed guidance. I was a woman who wanted to know her real father. 

You made me feel like I was too ugly to be your daughter.  I felt like I was not good enough to be a part of your family. 

I didn't ask for a thing. I just wanted to know why.

I had other heroes step in and take over for you, and I honestly love each and every one of those people more than you.  Anyone who ever loved my mother (except for Jim the soup nazi), anyone who made her feel like being a single mother was okay.  Anyone who was there for each of my birthdays. Anyone who wasn't you because you don't deserve any more of my time.

I'm angry, but I'm not bitter.  I have a father.  I love him.  I love that even his family has accepted me as one of their own, whereas your family probably forgot I ever existed, if you even ever told them. 

So you are not a hero.  You could have been someone I looked up to but you have forever lost that chance.

Way to go jerk face.

-Nikki

PS - Your hair was stupid.

Man, the 80's were a hoot!

30 Days of Truth - Day 13

Day 13 → A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)


 Dear Our Lady Peace,

You helped me get through my teenage years and helped me to become the person I am today.  It seems really strange to base the formation of my adulthood on a band, but to be quite honest the years I spent in my room, alone, listening to your music helped me get through some really rough patches of my teenage (angsty) years.

When I felt like a loser in high school, your music gave me the title of "that girl that likes Our Lady Peace".  Going to your concerts was a high point of my teenage years.  I remember so many times, going to so many concerts.

I met people who were not from my regular circle of life.  I met so many new friends who helped me to get out of my shell a little bit more each time we met, and that would follow me back to my regular life where I found myself to be a little more of an accepted person rather than an outsider at school. 

I traveled to England to see you guys play in a small bar.  I had just turned 17 and there I was in a bar, the front row with the stage pressing into my kneecaps.  England was amazing and I really started to become more of an individual after that trip.  I realized I liked the atmosphere of England. I liked taking "the underground" everyday and picking up one of those chocolate bars that I thought was so cheap but really ended up being uber-expensive once you changed the dollar back to Canadian. 

The first time I met you guys I had butterflies in my stomach.  The seventh time I met you guys I felt like we were old friends and not nearly as shy.  I might have actually smiled when I met you guys that seventh time.

I actually feel like I owe my whole blog to you guys.  My fan site (Asphalt the Noon) was a big success.  I grew confidence with my online presence.  I loved having my own space where I could share something I love with your fans.  It was an amazing time of my life.

I found a small screen cap of my site.  The only thing left.  I lost the password (ugh such a teenager thing to do!)

My OLP concert days are over.  I feel like I am now a  "retired fan" and I'm not really too interested in hearing any new music.  I don't think I could really handle a concert again.  Smooshed up against a railing, feeling my lungs inflate again when the concert was over and people stopped squishing me. 

Those were really the best times of my teenage life.

From
EVILFLU

30 Days of Truth - Day 12

Day 12 → Something you never get compliments on.

I never get compliments on my feet. I have terrible, ugly feet.  I mean, to me there really isn't such thing as a "beautiful" foot.  Feet are disgusting, but mine are downright hideous.

I am very self-conscious about my feet.  In fact, I am too embarrassed to get a pedicure.  I never wear cute shoes, I never like to take my socks off in public because I know someone may get a glance at my feet.

When I was in high school I developed ingrown toenails, you know because I walk like a duck (as per the fancy foot doctor).  They were great fun for getting out of gym class, however I had to have them surgically removed and now I am left with gross toenails and scars. 

I know this is really kind of a lame post, but I really never expect anyone to compliment me on my feet. 

I also never get complimented on my fashion sense. What do you guys know anyway?

Remember...

"I will wear this every day so I never forget" he said proudly

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30 Days of Truth - Day 11

Day 11 → Something people seem to compliment you the most on.

My cheekbones.   Although not many people have noticed them since I became a fat ass gained a bit of weight. Cheekbones just seems like something someone would compliment you on when they have nothing else to compliment.  Who really notices cheekbones anyway?

My aunts used to call me Geena Davis - when I was eight years old.  That sort of gave me a complex.  I didn't want to look like a 30year old when I was eight.

Geena Davis in the 80's

Me in the 80's

WIN IT! The Little Prince Graphic Novel....

 
The wonderful people at Thomas Allen & Son would like to give you, my dear reader friends, an opportunity to win your very own copy of The Little Prince Graphic Novel.

The Little Prince Graphic Novel is a new edition of Antoine de Saint-Exupery's The Little Prince with illustrations by French comic artist Joann Safar to bring new life to this already beautiful tale.


CONTEST:


You can win your very own copy of The Little Prince.  Just leave a comment below telling me about your favourite childhood book.  You can also earn extra entries by tweeting about this contest, blogging about this contest or following me on Google friend connect (make sure you leave a new comment with each entry).


RULES:
Contest closes on November 17, 2010 and a winner will be announced here on November 18, 2010. This contest is open to Canadian residents only (sorry!).


**This book is being kindly provided by Thomas Allen & Son to the wonderful readers of EVILFLU.  I have not received a copy of this book for review. One copy of this book will be provided to one lucky winner at the expense of Thomas Allen & Son.**

TP...

I swear someone broke in and put my TP on the roll backwards. I would *never* put it on this way. It's just unnatural.

Did I just blog about TP? YES.

slow news day?

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30 Days of Truth - Day 10

Day 10 → Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.

I couldn't think of a situation where I would need to let someone go. Unless someone was strawberry sundaes at Dairy Queen because I really should probably let those go.  I should probably also let go of the snooze button on my alarm clock and the unhealthy amount of television I watch.  I could never want to let go of a person. 

I mean unless I knew someone who was a drug addict and stole my television or something.  I would probably have to let them go.  Even then I would probably have some sort of moral complex where I would have to help them before I let them go.

Basically if you are in my wolf pack, there is no getting out, unless you steal my TV.

Me and my early wolf pack.  (gotta love the lock on the outside of my bedroom door)

30 Days of Truth - Day 9

Day 01 → Something you hate about yourself.
Day 02 → Something you love about yourself.
Day 03 → Something you have to forgive yourself for.
Day 04 → Something you have to forgive someone for.
Day 05 → Something you hope to do in your life.
Day 06 → Something you hope you never have to do.
Day 07 → Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Day 08 → Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.
Day 09 → Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10 → Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11 → Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12 → Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13 → A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)
Day 14 → A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Day 15 → Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16 → Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17 → A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18 → Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19 → What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20 → Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21 → (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22 → Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23 → Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24 → Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25 → The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26 → Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27 → What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28 → What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29 → Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30 → A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself


I really couldn't pin it down to just one person.  Truthfully I thought about this long and hard, and there are so many people that I have drifted from.  Especially after R. died.  I really changed quite a bit after that happened and letting go of the people I love to protect me and them sort of just happened.  I figure if I'm not close to people then it won't hurt so much when they're gone.


But then I complain about being so lonely.  It's a horrible cycle to be in.


I used to be really close with my cousins.  I miss them a lot.  I actually got to spend Saturday with my cousin Michelle and we had so much fun, just like old times.  Our time together made me smile a lot, which I needed badly.   I also am sad that I have drifted from my friends Melissa and Tanya.  We were the best of friends in high school.  Melissa is the sweetest, most caring person I know and Tanya is just wicked cool.

Michelle and I being way too cool for the 80's

30 Days of Truth - Day 8

Day 01 → Something you hate about yourself.
Day 02 → Something you love about yourself.
Day 03 → Something you have to forgive yourself for.
Day 04 → Something you have to forgive someone for.
Day 05 → Something you hope to do in your life.
Day 06 → Something you hope you never have to do.
Day 07 → Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Day 08 → Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.
Day 09 → Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10 → Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11 → Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12 → Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13 → A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)
Day 14 → A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Day 15 → Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16 → Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17 → A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18 → Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19 → What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20 → Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21 → (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22 → Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23 → Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24 → Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25 → The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26 → Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27 → What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28 → What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29 → Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30 → A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself


There are a select few that come to mind.  Luckily not many people have made my life hell.   Here are the top three in my list though:

1) My real dad - I met him for the first (and only) time when I was 21.  Maybe I sprang a bit much on him when I told him I was pregnant with his first grandchild, but he really threw me for a loop when he told me his wife was pregnant too with their fifty billionth kid.  Which blew away my theory that he just didn't like kids and that we would have a special father/daughter relationship for the rest of our lives.  I think the worst part of it all was that he never called again after that and it made me feel like complete shit.  Having your real father reject you and ignore your complete existence after the first time you meet really is not good for one's ego.

2) My mom's ex-boyfriend Jim who was an all around prick.  He was just mean and nasty.  One time he smacked me and wouldn't let me watch The X-files.  He looked like the Soup Nazi and I still hate him for making me miss that X-files episode.

3) My loser ex-boyfriend that stole my bike, took it apart and threw it into a big trash bin.  He also cheated on me with a mentally ill girl and gave her all my stuff that I left at his house. I probably should have beat him up.

Whew...this actually was like therapy for me.  Thank you 30 Days of Truth!

30 Days of Truth - Day 7

Day 01 → Something you hate about yourself.
Day 02 → Something you love about yourself.
Day 03 → Something you have to forgive yourself for.
Day 04 → Something you have to forgive someone for.
Day 05 → Something you hope to do in your life.
Day 06 → Something you hope you never have to do.
Day 07 → Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Day 08 → Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.
Day 09 → Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10 → Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11 → Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12 → Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13 → A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)
Day 14 → A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Day 15 → Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16 → Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17 → A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18 → Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19 → What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20 → Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21 → (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22 → Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23 → Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24 → Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25 → The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26 → Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27 → What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28 → What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29 → Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30 → A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself

Hands down, this guy.

I can confidently say that without a second thought - because I have actually felt it.
There were times when I felt like life was just too much.  There were days when I couldn't even bring myself to get out of bed because I knew the day was just going to be horrible.

But - I had to.  For this guy. 

I'm all he's got.  He's all I've got.

Maybe I'm not always the best mom in the world.  I can't always afford the cool toys or go on elaborate trips and believe me when I say there are plenty of times when I think he would be better off with someone else - but I am here and I will always be and he is happy (except when I take away his DS or make him clean his room).

30 Days of Truth - Day 6

Day 01 → Something you hate about yourself.
Day 02 → Something you love about yourself.
Day 03 → Something you have to forgive yourself for.
Day 04 → Something you have to forgive someone for.
Day 05 → Something you hope to do in your life.
Day 06 → Something you hope you never have to do.
Day 07 → Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Day 08 → Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.
Day 09 → Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10 → Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11 → Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12 → Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13 → A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)
Day 14 → A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Day 15 → Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16 → Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17 → A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18 → Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19 → What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20 → Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21 → (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22 → Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23 → Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24 → Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25 → The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26 → Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27 → What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28 → What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29 → Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30 → A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself

I hope I never have to say goodbye to someone I love again.  I know that is pretty much impossible.  I don't know how I would take it to lose someone who was a major part of my life again.  I think my biggest fear is to have to bury my child.  Nobody should have to bury their children.  I also hope my life is never affected by cancer ever again.  Cancer is a terrible, horrible, disgusting disease and I can't even begin to tell you about some of the horrors I witnessed because of it.

30 Days of Truth - Day 5

Day 01 → Something you hate about yourself.
Day 02 → Something you love about yourself.
Day 03 → Something you have to forgive yourself for.
Day 04 → Something you have to forgive someone for.
Day 05 → Something you hope to do in your life.
Day 06 → Something you hope you never have to do.
Day 07 → Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Day 08 → Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.
Day 09 → Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10 → Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11 → Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12 → Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13 → A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)
Day 14 → A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Day 15 → Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16 → Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17 → A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18 → Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19 → What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20 → Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21 → (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22 → Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23 → Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24 → Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25 → The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26 → Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27 → What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28 → What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29 → Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30 → A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself

I hope to be happy with myself and accept me for who I have become.  I hope to one day be proud of who I am and smile a whole lot more.  I want to be comfortable and confident.  I hope to love and be loved again.  I hope to get over my addiction to sleeping in.  I also want to drive another Beetle because I really liked that car.

30 Days of Truth - Day 4

Day 01 → Something you hate about yourself.
Day 02 → Something you love about yourself.
Day 03 → Something you have to forgive yourself for.
Day 04 → Something you have to forgive someone for.
Day 05 → Something you hope to do in your life.
Day 06 → Something you hope you never have to do.
Day 07 → Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Day 08 → Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.
Day 09 → Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10 → Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11 → Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12 → Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13 → A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)
Day 14 → A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Day 15 → Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16 → Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17 → A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18 → Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19 → What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20 → Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21 → (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22 → Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23 → Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24 → Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25 → The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26 → Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27 → What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28 → What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29 → Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30 → A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself

I have to forgive my mother. In a way I have, but there are still some deep down resentment.  I guess I started forgiving her when my life took a turn much like hers.  I can understand where some of the decisions she made came from.  Maybe we didn't always have Doc Marten shoes or clothes that didn't come from Bi-Way but we had food, and a home and pets and a car and birthday parties.  Sometimes you have to look past the wrong decisions someone makes, because if it is the wrong decision they will learn from it, unless they are an asshole. 

30 Days of Truth - Day 3

Day 01 → Something you hate about yourself.
Day 02 → Something you love about yourself.
Day 03 → Something you have to forgive yourself for.
Day 04 → Something you have to forgive someone for.
Day 05 → Something you hope to do in your life.
Day 06 → Something you hope you never have to do.
Day 07 → Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Day 08 → Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.
Day 09 → Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10 → Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11 → Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12 → Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13 → A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)
Day 14 → A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Day 15 → Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16 → Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17 → A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18 → Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19 → What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20 → Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21 → (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22 → Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23 → Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24 → Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25 → The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26 → Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27 → What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28 → What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29 → Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30 → A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself

I have to forgive myself for being a single mother.  I have to forgive myself for having a baby with someone who I knew was sick.  I thought I was doing the right thing. I thought it could never happen to us so I felt safe.  I wouldn't change having EVILBOY.  I could never wish that I didn't make that decision, but I always feel bad for making it when he is the one that suffers every time a Father's Day comes around, or when they have father/son events at school.  I know he hurts and I can never forgive myself for relying on the treatments to work.

30 Days of Truth - Day 2

Day 01 → Something you hate about yourself.
Day 02 → Something you love about yourself.
Day 03 → Something you have to forgive yourself for.
Day 04 → Something you have to forgive someone for.
Day 05 → Something you hope to do in your life.
Day 06 → Something you hope you never have to do.
Day 07 → Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Day 08 → Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.
Day 09 → Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10 → Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11 → Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12 → Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13 → A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)
Day 14 → A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Day 15 → Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16 → Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17 → A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18 → Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19 → What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20 → Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21 → (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22 → Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23 → Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24 → Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25 → The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26 → Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27 → What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28 → What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29 → Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30 → A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself


I love my sense of humour.  It may not always be appropriate, some people may not like it, but I  have to be able to laugh.  I know laughing is what helped me through some really tough times. So laughing at my own jokes and associating myself with people who can make me laugh are some really great coping mechanisms for me and I just love that I am able to make myself laugh.

Halloween 2010

Just a photo recap of our festivities this year...