The exciting life of a single mom...

gets even more exciting when she buys a fancy smancy coffee maker! This is a huge deal for me because for a long time I haven't bought myself anything fancy smancy.  Plus I got a great deal on it so I win. 

When I was 21 I didn't know how to make coffee.  I also didn't know how to pre-heat an oven or rake the front lawn properly, but I digress.

R. and I had just started "dating" and by dating I mean he never left my house because he liked living with me a whole lot more than living with his mom.  There was nothing normal about the beginning of our relationship, but it was just so right.  We managed to make it work and sharing a single bed was both romantic and awkward.

Eventually I had to meet his mother, which was uncomfortable at first but once she welcomed me so warmly and fed me lots of food, coffee and gave us a dog - true story.

It only seemed right that I invited R's mother over for a taste of my food and my coffee.  Unfortunately for her, the only food I knew how to make was chicken Caesar wraps.  Here I will give you the recipe for that right now: cheapest bag o' chicken you can find, lettuce that has been in the fridge for two weeks, Caesar dressing that expired ten and a half months ago (when I was 21 I didn't know that salad dressing expired - seriously!) and a stale leftover soft taco shell.  Roll them up and voila - edibleness! 

I knew nothing about cooking, I ate poutine from a pizza restaurant down the street every day.  One meal, each night - poutine.  I got pretty fat, but man was I ever jolly. Nothing cheers you up better than poutine - nothing.  Actually, that probably isn't true because the owner of that pizza place hung himself in his basement.  True story.  I knew him.  It was sad. 

As I was saying, I invited R's mother over for my feast of chicken Caesar wraps (my mouth drools just thinking of those wraps).  After our meal at my fancy table, while firmly seated on my milk crate chairs I felt the need to explain why I wasn't serving coffee.  I looked my almost future mother in law in the eyes and said:

"I would offer you a coffee but I don't know how to make it"

and she burst into laughter, and tears, and more laughter while I stood awkwardly biting my lip, my face probably turning eight shades of red.  Now this is the running joke of that family.  Whenever I am around and there is coffee around someone brings up that time when I admitted to not being able to make coffee. 

One day his mom came with a present for me, a jar of instant coffee.  She told me to keep this in her freezer and when she comes to boil water and add one teaspoon of this coffee to the water and stir.  This jar is still in my freezer and I still have to read the directions each time I make her a coffee.

My new coffee maker is fully automatic.  All I do is pop one of these little disc things in and it does all the coffee magic stuff for me. No more measuring with spoons, no more wondering if I'm using the right spoon (big or little...I can never remember).  Not only that, it makes specialty coffees as well, the ones that I pay $3+ for and get embarrassed when my card declines so I never go back to that coffee shop again (my stupid bank deactivated my card and didn't tell me, but the coffee chick thinks I'm a hobo now).

I had to invite people over tonight to try out my new machine.  The first person I called, R's mom.  She had to come and let me make her a coffee - without her help.  I was a little disappointed when she only wanted a plain old coffee.  I mean I had all my little discs ready to whip up some lattes, but it's okay, my coffee woes are forever over and now I can throw that yucky old jar of instant coffee that was in my freezer since 2002 in the garbage because I think it might be poisonous by now.

Disclaimer: Nobody paid me for this post.  I am just really fueled up on caffeine and Sour Patch Kids right now. If you think that's gross, try it, you will be amazed.


Share this:

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Hello..this is my blog. I bought this fancy theme and I don't know what to write here just yet. Maybe one day remind me I have to write something inspiring here?

0 comments:

Post a Comment