Being the Tooth Fairy is never an easy task...


It seems like I've been telling tooth stories a lot lately.  The truth is, EVILBOY is losing teeth faster than a hockey player in a playoff game. The truth is, I can't stand loose teeth.  They irk me.  I see them hanging out of kids mouths, hanging by a fleshy string, wobbling about just threatening to be swallowed and pooped out.

I blame my tooth phobia on my friend in grade six who was chewing on one of those old Halloween molasses candies and her molar came right out into the candy.  It was absolutely horrifying.

I can usually mentally prepare myself when a tooth is about to come out of my child's head by telling the daycare "tooth puller" teacher and he usually comes home with a little baggie with a pointy little tooth and a cool story about how it came out and didn't hurt, to which I block out the disgusting details of tooth removal and sing old rock and roll songs, Michael Bolton songs or Beth by Kiss but whatever, anything to spare me the details of teeth and the fleshy veins that hold them in.

Last Thursday we went to Dairy Queen and enjoyed a dipped cone.  I watched as EVILBOY took a bite of his ice cream and then next thing you know the tooth was IN the ice cream cone, along with blood that sprayed out like a can of spray paint.  I think the fact that he was blowing it out didn't really help because next thing I knew I was holding a bloody cone at a blood splattered table while he ran off to the washroom to rinse out his mouth.  I held on to that bloody cone at my bloody table in horror while some people stared, including the mean receptionist at my doctor's office who just happened to be there.

I cleaned up our table the best I could with dry .5 ply napkins.  I then had the task of fishing the tooth out of the cone and throwing the disgusting cone in the garbage.  I'm not going to share the details of getting the tooth out of the ice cream but it really wasn't marvelous.

Now this part is important because this is where I made the biggest mistake ever.   I wrapped up the disgusting tooth in one of those .5 ply napkins and put it in my purse. We had to stop by "Nana's" house and Mason was pretty stoked to show off his tooth so I (stupidly) told him to get it out of my purse.  Well you know how excited kids can get, especially those who just downed about 5000 calories of bloody ice cream covered in chocolate.

Something I only thought of as I saw him rip open the paper towel, at which time the tooth went flying somewhere in Nana's living room.  The tooth was gone in an instant and being smaller than half of my baby fingernail in a room packed full of couches, DVD collections, magazines, blankets and dog hair, it was literally like trying to find a needle in a haystack only instead of a needle it was a disgusting tooth and instead of a haystack it was a pile of dog hair.

As much as I hate teeth, I still had to find it because I have a touch of OCD and if I don't keep all his teeth I will have failed as a mother.  I thought this over and over as I waded through someone's dust bunnies.  Even after everyone gave up I was on the ground flipping through the DVD collection thinking it may have fallen into one of the crevices.  I finally gave up about an hour and a half later, when the dog started humping me.  After all, I am a woman and I was covered in fur at this point so I don't blame him for being confused, but I will tell you that it really put a damper on trying to find a tooth and after searching so long without any trace of it, I did what any desperate mother would do, I picked up a peanut piece that had fallen somewhere deep behind the couch and I announced "I FOUND IT!".

EVILBOY was on to me right away claiming that the peanut didn't look like a tooth, to which I lied and said that all teeth look like that after thy are out of your mouth for that long (I'm a terrible liar and I'm probably going to H-E-double hockey sticks for that one).  Once he was convinced the peanut was his tooth, we packed up and went home.  I had put the peanut in my cup holder of the car and had forgotten about it when we went upstairs.  We live on a floor that is pretty high up and the elevator is on the other side of building from the parking lot so when I realized what I had done, I did what any desperate mother would do.  I got the tooth that had just fallen out on June 11 (and I only know the date because EVILBOY hasn't stopped talking about it since then) and handed it over.  Which made things totally okay because it was actually a tooth and not a food product that had been under a couch for who knows how long. 

and so I am missing one of his teeth forever now, which for some reason makes me feel like a crappy mother, even though collecting teeth is pretty repulsive and a little creepy (think tooth necklace!).  I think I am okay with it.  I never really understood how I didn't find the tooth though and then it hit me like a dog trying to hump my leg, the humping dog must have eaten the tooth!


Then she said I was gross and hung up on me.

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ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Hello..this is my blog. I bought this fancy theme and I don't know what to write here just yet. Maybe one day remind me I have to write something inspiring here?

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