The Wedding Date - AKA How to be Dateless...

A co-worker and good friend of mine has invited me to her wedding.  I am typically not a fan of weddings since I have spent a good chunk of my life hating anyone who got married or even made out with someone in my presence.

Wedding invitations are always the worst when you are single.  They always (politely) come addressed to "EVILFLU and guest".  I'm sure the person knows I most likely will not be attending with a guest, but it is polite to think that I could maybe possibly bring somebody to this event.

I always hold onto these reply cards, not to be a jerk, but to give myself the opportunity to receive a reply from David Duchovny (scratch that, he's a creepy sex fiend now ((call me)) ) Sam Worthington (but he has to speak with an Australian accent all the time and he has to wear that getup he wore in Clash of the Titans when he was fighting that Kraken thingy.  Not even like Avatar Sam Worthington or Terminator Sam Worthington, I'm picky in my Sam Worthingtons.

(you're welcome!)

On a side, do you guys remember that movie The Wedding Date? That movie used to be one of my favourites, until I realized it was kind of creepy and weird.

So anyway, this wedding is coming up quickly, and I had months almost a year to find a date, and since it looks like no sexy celebrities are responding to my pleas, and I can't afford a man whore (The Wedding Date) so it looks like I will end up dancing with Cousin Gus and being a mutant at table nine.

You know Cousin Gus right? The forever single bachelor cousin of the bride who has some strange facial hair and smells like moldy old cheese. I always get set up with "Cousin Gus" because you see, I am the female version of Cousin Gus (minus the facial hair and moldy cheese smell - but I'm working on it). Every time I am forced to dance with Cousin Gus, my mind races.  I picture our house, complete with Avatar posters on our bedroom wall.  We will have 2.5 kids who will all have strange facial hair and smell like moldy cheese and a dog that runs around with an undiagnosed skin disease who also smells like moldy cheese.  I'm sure Cousin Gus is a really nice person but his addiction to Word of Warcraft and cartoon Flintstones porn and my addiction to frozen yogurt and crappy reality television just don't work together well. 

The reality of the situation is that I think I am becoming more and more like Cousin Gus (minus the video games and Fred Flintstone porn). My confidence is at an all-time low - I'm talking grade ten with glasses and ugly hair low. I recently threw all my sexy underwear in the garbage because they hadn't been worn since 2003.  I'm a lot older now and I find that the chocolate/peanut butter combination that I had loved oh so much has packed itself firmly on my ass and is not showing any signs of melting away. I am mean and angry and most days I hate the world or people who are assholey (that is not a swear, I just made it up!).  Also: I swear too much and R. always told me how swearing made me ugly.  Overall: I feel like a package of uglies and I feel like the only thing I could attract would be a hobo (for warmth) or someone who is deaf/blind/can't smell (I may be onto something here!).

(DAD STOP READING HERE)

In my early 20's, if I liked a boy I would show him my underwear and giggle a lot - and it totally worked like a charm every time.  For many reasons, this tactic is no longer effective and I think that if I showed anyone my underwear now I would get thrown in the crazy people ward for wearing cartoon characters on my 28-year-old ass (HELLO KITTY IS AWESOMENESS).

Trying to be attractive is really not easy as an almost 29 year old single mother who has a gray hair growing out of one of her eyebrows, is probably going to end up on People of WalMart before the year is up,  threatens to kick people in the "cooter" in public and who sings along with Michael Bolton.

What I'm trying to ask here, without sounding completely hopeless, is how do you make yourself attractive? I'm guessing things like shaving your legs on a more than once a month basis is a good step in the right direction, but what else can I do to make myself feel human again? (that made me sound like a werewolf or something, I promise I am not a werewolf)

PS -  If you know anyone who looks good in a "man skirt", is not a murderer,  doesn't mind an angry nerd mother who can't be out in public for very long before she gets grumpy, who can grow a gray eyebrow hair and still be awesome and loves Michael Bolton then feel free to send him my way.

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ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Hello..this is my blog. I bought this fancy theme and I don't know what to write here just yet. Maybe one day remind me I have to write something inspiring here?

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