Costume prude...

Has anybody else noticed anything a little strange about the Halloween costumes for kids this year?

Maybe I'm just a prude, but if I had a daughter she wouldn't leave the house looking like that, even on Halloween.  It could be that I live in Canada and it's pretty darn cold here (last year it even snowed) but just the idea of having my little girl run around the neighbourhood in a costume that looks like she just came off the stripper pole on theme night is not my idea of a good time. 

When I was a kid, my mom threw a pair of pantyhose over my head and spray painted them green and I went as a martian.  Another year I was Roger Rabbit with socks sewn to a big fuzzy hat on my head.  My costumes were never provocative in any sorts.  In fact, I don't know how a little girl could go out trick or treating in that kind of get up.  It just doesn't make sense to me. 

I don't know, it's probably just me and my desire to keep my 60 pound little boy in toddler clothes because they are so much cuter.  You just can't find a cute hoodie with ears in a size over 6, am I right? Once you hit the size 6 clothing you get clothes covered in skateboarders, football, snowboarding and creepy monsters or sports teams.  I want clothes with fuzzy ears on the hood and cute little collars with embroidered teddy bears.

My poor kid.

Truth is, I am absolutely in love with Old Navy's Halloween costumes (and no they are not paying me to say this!).  This is just coming from my over five years experience of being a mother, which is pretty much the longest I have ever stuck with anything so that makes me an expert of some sort...I think.  These costumes are very warm (no winter jacket over the costume while trick-or-treating), very well made (Mason wore all of his two years in a row), very reasonably priced (get your coupon and you can get them for around $20) and absolutely adorable.  The problem is, the biggest size they are available in is 4T-5T, which is a major problem because this year we are stuck with no Old Navy costume. 

Last night Mason had his Beavers Halloween party, and I was desperate for him to wear his last Old Navy costume one last time.  It is a bat, so not too cutesy, and he loved it.  The problem is, it was a little snug last year, this year he looks like a sausage.  I managed to get it on him and it seemed to be okay for the night, but we are going to have to find another costume before the big day. 

As soon as we walked in the room, I just knew I made a mistake.  The kids instantly made fun of him!  I was in shock.  Of course, they were all dressed as monsters, transformers, pirates, vampires and sluts French maids. One little girl was wearing what could easily be described as the scariest costume I have ever seen. 

It's just so hard for me to let go of the cuteness.  Why do kids have to be so mean?  Back to the costume drawing board for us... *sigh*

FEAR...

What are you afraid of?  The dark? Monsters? Zombies? Vampires? Peaches?

If you frequent this blog, then you will probably know that I'm pretty much afraid of everything. With Halloween coming up very quickly, I thought it might be a good idea to document the kind of stuff that scares my pants off (insert disturbing mental picture here).

Vincent Price:
I don't know about your guys, but everytime I see this guy in a movie or even hear his voice I get chills down my spine.  He's like the creepy uncle that kids run away from, although I really doubt he was anybody's uncle because he was pretty scary (don't ask, just trust me on this one).  EDIT: Okay so apparently he was married three times, so maybe he could have been somebody's uncle.  This information blows my mind.

Also, as I was saving his picture from my trusty picture source (*ahem* Google), my computer was all like "$#%^ THAT" and crashed.  Even my computer was scared.

The Hilarious House of Frightenstein:
A little spin-off of Vincent Price (who is not the only reason I am scared to death of this show) is this Canadian CHILDREN'S television series which I actually enjoyed watching when I was a wee one.  There is just something about this show that I am absolutely terrified of.  I don't know what it is, it's not just Vincent Price, it's all the characters who are actually all played by the same guy, so maybe it's him.  I don't know, if you are scared of creepy things, do not watch this show. 

I'm even having a hard time looking at the pictures from this show.  See what I do for you guys! It just blows my mind that this show was geared towards children. 

The 70's:

I hate the 70's.  The browns and oranges, the vans of weed, the hippies.  I hate every little bit of this era. If you were born in the 70's, I'm sorry, I probably hate you because you wore 70's baby clothes and had one of those baby walker things that was floraly orange and brown.  The worst thing of the 70's: The couches.  You know the ones I'm talking about.  The ones with houses and windmills printed on them (WTF?) and wooden arms that would catch your ass every once in a while and leave you with a huge bruise.  You know what kind of couch I'm talking about! The ones with the matching coffee table that had two seats on it?  My friend had one a few years ago...hated that thing!  

Plus this came from the 70's.  I hate this picture. It's yucky.

Tiny Tim:

One time back in the early 2000's I was looking at rotten.com as all grade 11 students did at my school.  I somehow came across a picture of Tiny Tim...dead in his coffin.  It totally ruined the Tiptoe Through the Tulips song for me because whenever it comes on I get instant creepified.

Which is unfortunate because there is a television commerical on right now with that song on it.  Makes me look like a loser when I cover my ears and leave the room.

Michael Jackson's Thriller Video:

This really should have been higher on the list.  I have never been able to watch this whole music video, or even the song, without wanting to run away and cry.  Now that Michael Jackson has passed away, the video has become 80 times more creepier because it could totally happen.  He could come back as a zombie.  You can laugh all you want now, but when it actually happens just remember who called it first.  Vincent Price is also in this video.  Do you see a trend going on here?

That's about 10 minutes and 51 seconds of pure terror for me. 

Night of the Living Dead (1990):

Sticking with the zombie theme, this movie scared the s**t out of me.  I'm not gonna lie.  I was 9 years old when it came out and I remember watching it, being absolutely terrified, but not wanting to look like a dork.  Almost 20 years later, I will admit that I was terrified of this movie. 

Red Beards:

Freddy Krueger:

This is such a hard one for me to admit.  You see, Freddy always reminded me of my grandpa.  They looked similar (don't laugh, it's true), they had the same sort of personality (only I don't think my grandpa murdered people with a claw) and they sort of dressed the same.  I loved my grandpa dearly, not so much Freddy.  I remember seeing the first movie, I was young, probably under ten years old.  Again, I was terrified, but put on a brave face (to be cool) and I had an epiphany while watching Freddy kill the poor unfortunate sleepers.  I decided to start "cheering" for Freddy, that way if he ever did become real, he would remember that I was on his side and not kill me.  It was a total win. 

Then I saw him under my grandma's bed one time and it was game over.  That guy is a big bag of creep! That's my grandpa's hand and boot behind me in that picture.  Can you see the resemblance?

My Great Grandparents:

I will admit it, I didn't know them very well, but I do remember being very against going to visit them.  Their house smelt like old people.  Plus everybody said my great grandma was  witch, and when she died there were spells and potions in her basement (from what I hear anyway).  One time she gave me a  barbie doll that was actually a toilet roll cover.  She handed me the doll and I then proceeded to throw up all over the doll and her kitchen floor.  Coincedence? I think not!

The Dark:

I was never afraid of the dark until R. died.  In fact, I sort of liked the dark, now I can't stand it.  It took me months before I could sleep with the lights off and years to be able to sleep without the television on.  I seem to be getting better, but I still like to have "quick access" to a light.

Jesus Pictures:

Don't get mad.  They freak me out.  I always feel like they are watching me.  Please don't think I'm some sort of devil worshipper or an aethiest or something, that's not it at all.  I just avoid these pictures if I can.  You will probably never see one of these pictures in my home. Pictures of Jesus in grilled cheese sandwiches do not count.  I think those are pretty awesome.

Bugs:

I hate all kinds of bugs, even butterflies.  Ladybugs, caterpillars, scorpions, spiders, I hate them all.  I used to like caterpillars, until  some jackass told me caterpillars eat dead bodies.  I used to like ladybugs until I heard they bite. 

German Sheppards:

Hate them a lot, except police dog German Sheppards, they are kind of cool, but other German Sheppards are mean.  Ever since that one bit my bum while I was on a swing that one time, I hate them all and avoid them at all costs.  I guess German Sheppard puppies are cute - NO! What am I saying? They are scary. 

Not even The Littlest Hobo is exempt (even though he has a totally awesome theme song!)

3:00AM:

I was informed that 3:00am is when the ghosts come out.  Now whenever I wake up at this time I am convinced there is a ghost in my room.  I can't remember who told me that, but I think I want to punch their face.  This happens about once every few months where I will wake up at that time and freak myself out so badly that I cannot fall back to sleep.  So whoever told me that, I thank you, but not really because I really want to punch your face.

Recent pictures...

I just realized that I don't share pictures hardly enough.  Sure I add them in each post so my little link thingy looks interesting, but I never really showcase the pictures I take as much as I used to.  I think I miss that. 

I took these ones yesterday, you can probably see some of them above on my Flickr.

Kind of an awkward head going into the corner thing going on here, I just really liked his face and the way the sun was shining on his cheek here.

Love this picture.  Such a change from his usual (happy) self.  I swear I didn't pinch him or anything! He just posed and pulled off a Blue Steel!

Afterwards we came home and carved our pumpkins.  This one was starting to rot at the top, it was so disgusting!  I used to really be into carving pumpkins, but this year I don't have the patience.  We used to do all sorts of designs like Lightning McQueen and Elmo etc.  Plus the squirrels ate our pumpkins this year so we had to carve around the bite marks.

What is it with boys and bugs (and dirty hands)?

I was practicing some close-up shots and came across this creepy bug, which I am told is a praying mantis.  Creepy!

There is a ladybug takeover going on right now. Everybody is mentioning how many lady bugs they have seen, this was the first one I've seen so far this year.  After I saw this one, I found a whole group, and this one was the brightest. of them all. 

Archive Monday: January 6, 2004

January 6, 2004:
Christmas was alright, R. came home and surprised me...although I was still a little sad since it was my first christmas away from my family. I held up pretty good though. New years was blah...we just sat at home and did nothing pretty much the same as the year before. R. got out of the hospital on new years eve. It's so comforting having someone around other than a couple dogs. He came home and cooked and cleaned just to give me a break :D I love it! Now he's feeling like crap again though so we just stay home and do nothing all day long.

The baby is due in a week from today. I am so tired of people asking me if I had it yet...I mean if I had it do they not think they would of heard from me by now? It's pretty frustrating at this point. I go pee 10 times a night but I get so thirsty after I pee that I have to drink and go pee again! I'm complaining now but I'm sure I'll be much happier when I drop this excess 30 pounds :D

My doctor is really being a weirdo...he's always in a hurry so I have no clue when this kid is coming. He did a swab test yesterday (not my idea of fun) and left the room in such a hurry I kind of wondered if he stole something from down there and was making his getaway.

R. had a doctor's appointment today...everything went well with his treatment and he may even be in remission!! We don't have to go back to that horrible cancer clinic for 3 months now and lets hope we can stay away even longer after that!

A Night of Firsts....

• Last night was the first time I ever saw my baby's temperature reach 103.5
• Last night was the first time I brought him to that particular hospital to wait in a room jam packed full of people while he slept off his fever and shivered in his sleep.

• Last night was the first time they took us into an isolated room, surpassing all of the other angry patients.
• Last night was the first time that he ever had a chest x-ray
• Last night was the first time we thought he might have H1N1 - but thankfully didn't.
• Last night was the first time he was officially diagnosed with Influenza.
• Last night was the first time I ever got a parking ticket (and cried about it).
• Last night was the first time I ever really felt alone and scared while being the only parent
• Last night was the first time he lost his first tooth

• Last night was the first time he put a tooth in a sandwich bag and placed it under his pillow

• Last night was the first time I wish I had a smaller bill than $20 in my wallet.

Lucky kid.

The Monster Mash!

I told Kanye he couldn't be in our video but he went on and on about how Thriller was the best monster video of all time, and well you can see how it ended up  *sigh*

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Let's Internet Date, Yo!

 had a nice conversation on the phone with my dad about Internet dating. He had some valid points and I can totally see where he's coming from, but I don't know if it's really for me. I kind of just want someone to find me, if that makes sense. It's happened before, in fact that's how I met Mason's dad. Just the though of arranging to meet someone and have to feel all nervous and stuff is not really what I'm all about. I guess I'm complicated (or stupid) but I don't want to do any of the work.

He was right though about the whole Internet dating thing. It's been four (and a half) years now. I'm not getting any younger/prettier. Soon I will probably develop a hunch back and a hairy wart on my face. Life sucks like that sometimes.

But the Internet is a scary place my friends.

You find all kinds of people who can access the Internet from a) their creepy bedroom that may or may not contain every Star Wars figure ever made and Star Wars bedsheets and probably this (warning: NSFW - which means not safe for work. I just learned that recently) in between their mattress and box spring. b)the public library, where they are also printing their pornography at the same time c) prison

So you see, Internet dating could also be dangerous! I'm sure if Hitler had the Internet, he would have been on Plentyoffish.com and you would never know he was a bad dude! I mean that is a very rare case, afterall I think perverts and lunatic murders are using Craigslist to bait their prey these days, but you just never know!

If you have been to Phronk.com you most likely have seen his Horrors of Internet Dating which is a collection of crazy bitches on dating sites. Having browsed dating sites before, I was a little disappionted that I had never came across profiles like those. I chalked it up to the fact that single women are insane (including myself) and I thought men were just not showing their insanity until they actually sent you a message.

I was wrong. Truth is, I wasn't really reading the profiles, and I wasn't venturing out of my very specific circle of men that I would date to find the Captain Insanos. So I went out of my comfort zone, and I am bringing back to you some of the strangest shit I could find while innocently looking for a soul mate. You will have to click on these to make them larger, unless you have magnifying glass eyes or big glasses or like a 99inch monitor

I am totally replying to this one! It's gonna go a little like this:

hi r3folafoi! It's me fosolflks!! Remember from doeor8!? Remember that time we eie028 and everybody 09aowerolas and we all 3oiflasdf all the way home! Good times! Ew remember when you aawepripas? That was totally nasty you eow3rwa!

Toke pals? What is a toke pal? ....wait...ohhhh I get it :/

...what he didn't mention is that restraining order that restricts him from being within 200 feet of a retirement home.

Well F U too then a-hole. Note: This is not his real face. It is my art work.

Watch out girls, he bites!

I could just see our first date now.... then our wedding....................................... then our house ............................... then our kids........................................... our whole life would be ....................... and then we would .............................. and ............................. and eventually ....................................................................................................

"Did you ever know that you're my heeeeeeeero, you're everything I wish I could be, I could fly higher than an eeeeeeeeeeeeagle cause you are the wind beneath my wings"

I shouldn't be making fun of these guys, afterall one of them could be my soul mate! Then again, if they believed in soul mates they would be wearing capris, right dad? ;)

Wordless Wednesday: October 21, 2009

Kids are mean :(

The New Me (is kind of scary!)

I am not a very nice person.

In fact, I'm pretty sure I'm well on my way to becoming an old Mrs. Crumplebottom with 80 cats who goes to bingo on Tuesday nights and picks fights with anyone who comes within a one metre radius of her bingo cards and Treasure Troll collection.

Lonely.

Bitter.

Both of which I already am. Luckily for me, Mason is stuck with me, so the loneliness is only temporary, like the times he goes to grandma's house, goes to bed or when he just plain ignores me because catching up on Toopy and Bino is much more important than a mother's nags to put socks on your feet.

I'm pretty sure if I don't start being a nicer person, I will become that mean old lady who buys the 1 litre carton of milk for the week, just enough for my tea and the rest to share with my 80 cats. I will beg Mason to come home for the holiday, but instead he will go on a Caribbean cruise. I don't blame him now because who wants to hang out with an old grouch? I will blame him then, and I will probably tell him he's killing me and hang up the phone (or maybe space phone by then) on him and go brush my cats.

Then, while he's on his cruise and as I'm brushing my cats, I will fall down and break my hip (note to self: drink more milk) and without being able to move (note to self: invest in this) I will die and my 80 cats will be forced to eat me - not because I taste good, but because they have nobody to feed them (note to self: do not buy a cat).

I don't want to end up as cat food.

If something doesn't change soon, I fear what I might become, and I don't mean like becoming something cool like a vampire or a werewolf, I mean cat food!

Alone.

Angry.

Tasty to felines.

It's not so easy just to change who you are. If it was, I doubt Hitler or Balloon Boy's dad would have been such assholes. Sometimes it's just who you are.

Maybe you were raised to be an asshole? Maybe one time a group of teenage girls made fun of your Hypercolour t-shirt in the 1990's or maybe the person that probably loved you more than anybody else in your life, the father of your child, died of cancer. Maybe it is all of the above?

Six years ago, this wasn't me.

I was fearless, irresponsible, stupid and careless. I didn't care about burglars, gas leaks or cancer.

The decisions I made affected nobody but myself, well maybe they affected other, but I didn't care. It was all about me.

I used to be happy. I smiled a lot, I listened to John Mayer songs and allowed myself to be swept off my feet, which is probably the most fantastic, yet scariest feeling in the world (the being swept off my feet part, not the John Mayer songs, though I can kind of see how you would get the two confused. Somewhat. No? Weird!)

So how do I make myself more likable? Less of the scary mom in line at the daycare drop off and more of the Mrs. Perfect who bakes cookies for the whole school yard. I could bake cookies for the whole school yard too, but I don't bake and I don't think they would eat them. I sometimes give off a creepy vibe (even when I wear deodorant).

The worst part is, I totally try to not be scary! I buy my kid the spray shoes to spark a conversation with the other moms, I walk to the daycare to prove to people that I do live in this nice neighbourhood (they don't need to know I walk 10 minutes from "the hood" to get there), I drive the yuppy mom car and I try to join in on the playgroups, but once the conversations about Jon and Kate or Dancing with the Stars starts I'm outta there. I have no tolerance for things I hate.

I don't do anything particularly special. I don't run marathons, have six babies all at once, heck - I don't even wear nail polish or earrings anymore because they are just too much of a hassle and uncomfortable.

I don't fit in.

I mean sure, I could probably call people poop names less often (it's a term of endearment, I swear!) and perhaps I get a bit yelly and grumpy sometimes. I am aware of the messy ponytails that I wear everyday and the fact that I am constantly in running shoes (old smelly ones at that!). If my t-shirt is long enough, I really don't care that my fly has been down all morning, in fact I probably won't even do it back up because I just know it will probably come back down again. I also fail to see the beauty in nature anymore. Which is quite a shame because I used to love all animals (except bugs). I never run for anything anymore, I will always get there on my own time.

I like to compare my new personal funk to that of a new musical artist who has a huge hit (read: Chumbawamba). Tubthumping was a great song in 1997. Imagine how that band felt, releasing a great hit, making lots of money - and then to never have another hit again. In fact, they are probably living alone with their cats right now. I mean what if I never make another hit? I'm just sort of in the doing drug rehab phase, being featured on MTV's one hit wonders specials and planning to be a guest on The Surreal Life where I will probably make out with a potted plant and punch Vanilla Ice in the face (I've always hated that guy!).

I guess I'm trying to ask what people do to make themselves feel better? What do you do that is fun (and not evil - I'm a little too old for prank phone calls and Nikki Nikki Nine Doors)? Crafts? Sports? Knitting? Tending to cats? Give me some ideas so I can stop being such a scary mommy and an all around better person.


PS - If your grandma, aunt, great grandma or any relative of yours was eaten by a cat, she was probably an asshole.

PPS - I'm kidding (sort of). Come back!

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This post is being submitted to Scary Mommy as an entry into her contest to win a Flip camera (which would totally make me cooler in the daycare drop-off line). If you think I'm scary, please leave a comment and vouch for me!

Archive Monday: December 12, 2003

December 12, 2003:
I have really come to hate living alone. R. is in the hospital for 4-6 weeks and already I am an emotional wreak. Every sound I hear in this house is making me jump and nothing seems to help. The dogs do help with the lonliness a bit but I really want someone to talk to.I really hope this time goes by quickly. I'm scared and alone and I wish I could just sleep these next few weeks away. I hate seeing somebody I am so dependant on become even more weak and vulnerable than I am. I hate seeing somebody who I look up to cry because it just makes me cry...it's so hard not to. It seems like we've been crying every day for the past few weeks and I just want it to stop...where is our pot of gold at the end of the rainbow? It seems that if it isn't one thing it's another and it usually ends up having to do with money. Turns out being a couple who neither can work...a man who is very ill with cancer and a woman who is pregnant and has to take care of the household where the man cannot really screws you these days. It's pretty sad...I'm sure a lot of people think I'm using this as a sob story when I call to explain why our gas bill hasn't been paid off in full or when the creditors call but I'm really not making this up...this is our life.

The Day Has Come...

I've always been freaked out by loose teeth. I absolutely hate it when a snot-faced kid gets all up in my face wiggling their tooth that is hanging on by one string. I often wonder how I survived losing my teeth without having to be institutionalized. My phobia seems to have become a lot worse over the years, in fact I'm almost at the Maury Povich "afraid of pickles" episode point. Only I'm not stupid enough to call up that old bastard and go on his show because I know it would end up with me running from Maury who has a bunch of baby teeth in a pill bottle and is rattling them and laughing hysterically.

See, I'm smart. I wouldn't put myself through this kind of shit:




You know what, take that as a tip. If you are afraid of anything, don't go to Maury or he will send you to a friggin pickle factory. I would like to find out what he's afraid of and torment him.

This is besides the point, as I was saying I hate teeth. Loose teeth. Fake teeth. Smelly teeth. I think some of it goes way back to elementary school when my friend Heather lost one of her molars in one of those really sticky Halloween molasses candies. (hey..what ever happened to those, not that I really care anyway, but they sort of disappeared?)

I'm afraid of those too because I don't want to lose any teeth.

I always said, even before I had Mason, that I wouldn't be able to deal with the loose tooth thing. Everybody joked and laughed about it, saying how they would have to take him when he got a loose tooth so I wouldn't freak out.

So I hate to broadcast it this way, but Mason has to go.

He has his first loose tooth, the day I have been dreading even before he was born. Now I'm just dreading the birds and bees talk, because I really don't know how I'm going to deal with that little tidbit.

The day started out like any other day, except I woke up at 6:30am blogging about Balloon Boy and six year olds in general (and today totally ruined/changed that post so stay tuned for that one if I can ever figure out what I was trying to say). Today also happened to be Apple Day, which is where I take my little beaver (boy scout) out to sell apples in sub zero temperatures in front of a nice cozy coffee shop.

The bad mother in me wanted to sit inside at a table and watch from outside, but I'm a dedicated beaver mama, I was out on the front line battling away the drunks on bicycles and hobos who smoked used cigarette butts in front of my beavers, yeah we didn't really get to choose our areas.

Funny thing was, the people you thought would donate and buy an apple walked by with their noses in the air, and people who you really normally wouldn't ask for money from were there donating, even just walking up on their own without being asked and donating. Just goes to show you shouldn't judge people by their looks?

Speaking of looks, how could you resist such a cute beaver?

I would have given him a ten dollar bill for an apple, I guess I'm a little bit bias though.

Just as we were packing up to go home, Mason gets this look of shock on his face and says "Hey mom! I have a loose tooth". Stupid me didn't believe him. A little boy at his daycare lost a tooth this week and apparently there was a lot of blood involved so I've been answering questions about loose teeth all week (much to my dismay). So I've been putting his mind at ease by wiggling his "loose tooth" all week. Today when I wiggled it, it actually moved...like a lot.

Before I could even think I was freaking out, completely grossed out and almost at the hyperventilating into a paper bag stage. The whole time Mason stared at me like I was insane. As we were driving back to the beaver meet-up to return our un-sold apples, Mason just started to sob in the back seat. It started off a little freak out (which was totally my fault) and then ended up being a big blow out, complete with tears, throwing oneself on the ground and the drool.

Oh you don't know about the drool?

You see when Mason gets really upset about something he drools, but it's like fake drooling and once he has enough of drool puddle built up he paints his face with the drool so it looks like tears.

and no, he does not get this from me.

I don't think anyway.

No matter what anybody said, nothing could make it better. The loose tooth was a nuisance, even if the tooth fairy would bring him a twenty dollar bill (thanks for suggesting that one jackass!).

What ever happened to getting a quarter under your pillow? Twenty bucks? I probably didn't get $20 total when I lost my teeth.

Kids these days.

Eventually he became obsessed with getting this tooth out. We only had a few short outbursts during the day when he thought it was coming out right then, which of course it wasn't because this tooth was not loose yesterday at all.

Of course there are many home remedies for pulling out loose teeth. I think one of mine was the good old tie your tooth to the door and slam it (which didn't work at all). Mason had the idea to put a sock over his mouth and sneeze (??). At this point I really don't care how it comes out, I just don't a) want to see it b) him to swallow it (even though it's only the size of a Tic Tac (maybe only half of one even!)

Luckily for Mason, by the end of the day I sort of got over the creeps about his tooth. I still can't look at it or touch it, but I know it's there and he doesn't have to leave the house.

I don't think I could have kicked him out anyway, because I would get pretty lonely.

Besides if I got rid of him, who would kill the spiders for me?

He has my smile...

When I was a kid, picture day was stressful! I mean having to wear those frilly collars and pale pink sweaters...bleh! Not only that but you had to keep every hair on your head absolutely perfect, and then as if that wasn't stressful enough, you then had to interact with the photographer who was a) creepy b) somehow related to you c) drunk (which would explain b).

I absolutely hated picture day. I worried all day about keeping myself pretty. The picture day that stands in my mind the most was my very first one, kindergarten. I lived with my grandma and grandpa then. I was pretty much the poster child for K-mart back in the 80's. I think my grandma had me in there every week for their "new" poses, most of which were me looking off into space or leaning on a fuzzy velvet chair with a cheeky grin. I remember I was even on the wall of fame photos in there once. Grandma liked K-mart pictures, probably because she could be there to make sure I stayed pretty the whole time, made sure the poses were to her liking, heck she probably even messed around with the lighting because that was my grandma. She got what she wanted because she made it happy. I think the saying for her would be, if gramma ain't happy, ain't nobody happy..or something like that.

So my first picture day ever, grandma had to cut the cord (so to speak) and she coached me that morning before I went on the bus (to most likely have my lunch eaten by the fat girl again) that I had to smile nicely, and I couldn't get dirty, and don't eat any chocolate before pictures, and make sure my hair was in place and make sure my lacy collar didn't flip up all "prep style". It was stressful! I mean she meant well, she didn't want to waste money on pictures that come out looking like this......

Oh yeah, I sort of forgot to smile. I got in so much trouble for this picture! She was so disappointed that she whisked me out right away to K-mart to get the velvet chair extraordinaire again because that was just so beautiful. I don't know why I made this face, I think it was all the photographer's fault...he was probably drunk or my uncle or something, I don't know but I still can't believe how much I failed this pic, even to this day.

A couple weeks ago, I reminded myself of my dear old grandma (bless her soul). I dressed Mason up in colours that would compliment the photographer's background, we practiced our selected pose and I even made him practice smiling. I had visions of my first school picture and I was so nervous, in fact I even wanted to be there for the picture, but knowing that is 1) not possible 2) sort of insane I just wrote the $41 cheque and assured myself he would come back with a stellar pic. I mean, this is my child after all, the one who has invaded all but 2gb of my hard drive space with pictures that he has posed for, this kid is a pro at pictures, no need to worry.

and then I got this:

and all of a sudden flashbacks of pale pink sweaters with lacy collars, photographers wearing brown ties to match their brown teeth (oh come on! It was the 80's! They were totally creepy!) and my grandma lecturing me on smiling for hours all came flooding back.

In fact, I think I may have even blanked out for a bit because next thing I knew, his daycare teacher was looking over my shoulder chuckling about the picture. Which at first made me even more upset about it.

"Should I get a re-take?" I asked her as she still laughed.

"ABSOLUTELY NOT! That is so him!"

She was right. She has only known him for a month and a half, but she was right. That is him. He's forcing himself to smile, it's not genuine, but that is him being forced to do something right there. This is Mason, awkward, silly, adorable, afraid of photographers.

It was also me back in Kindergarten. Awkward, silly, free-spirited, fed up of creepy photographers.

So if you are family and you are reading this, I hope you look at this picture and enjoy it because it is what it is and this is what you're getting.

Besides, it could always be worse....

Wordless Wednesday: October 14, 2009

Okay...you can stop growing for a while now! (This is the same "coffin" 2004 and 2009)

Happy (Canadian) Thanksgiving!!

I thought I should celebrate such event with a post documenting all the things I feel thankful for today:

Mason:

I am thankful to have such an awesome kid, and even though he charges me five dollars to take his picture sometimes and then a dollar for ten more minutes, he is pretty cool to me. Also, him not losing his finger to a hamster bite yesterday was pretty cool and I am thankful for that.

My Family:

Having a mother who drives all the way here so I don't have to be alone is pretty special, but all of my family is pretty cool in their own little ways. Except my brother. He's a jerk. (I'm kidding...and if you read my blog this is where I would write "Love you dork!").

My Home:

I have really awesome landlords and now that crazy neighbour is gone, it's been pretty peaceful around here. Although I am still afraid of burglars.

My Job:

Even though I always complain about having to go to work, I honestly think my bosses are the coolest people ever. They put up with a lot of my crap, and for not being fired I am thankful. Although when poop fell on my face the other day I was a little bit angry, but I've gotten over that....sort of.

My Readers:

Because you guys make me feel special, except for the trolls, you guys stink and have fuzzy hair in neon colours and people rub you at bingo games so they can win the jackpot.

Will Ferrell Movies:

Anchorman got me through some of the worst times in my life. All I have to do is think about poor Baxter being punted off the bridge, instant laughter.

Toilet Paper:

Well because, you know.

Toothbrushes:

Whoever invented the toothbrush was a genius! I'm so glad people don't have to deal with wooden teeth anymore because I like to eat food and I don't like getting slivers or termites in my mouth.

Benny:

I still love you my beautiful car.

Deers:

I hate you a lot.

David Duchovny:

Because he is so much sexay.

My Bicycle:

Because it's old, and antique-y, but not. So like it still rides nicely, but it looks absolutely beautiful. I am more thankful for my old pink bicycle but some jackass stole it and probably thought they were funny. If I ever see anyone on that bike I will shove a stick in the spokes and make them fly off.

Pimple Cream:

Because what the eff is going on with my face lately??? Gah it's like my teenage years all over again!

My Facebook Farms:

Because that is probably the closest I'm ever going to get to having a real farm...and they make me kind of giddy!

This Face:

Because it's funny.

Things in the near future that I will also be thankful for:

Not getting food poisoning from our turkey:

Which was left on the kitchen floor for a couple hours yesterday. Why? I honestly don't know.

My new Benny:

Fingers crossed. It all depends on if someone wants to trade their Benny for my Eileen. I find out on Tuesday. It's not looking so well, but I am not giving up hope. I drove Benny II today and I looked at myself in the rear view mirror and (very dorkily) said "This is Benny II" and I just knew I had to have it.

Archive Mondays: November 21, 2003

November 21, 2003 (I had gone away to an out-of-town baby shower that R. was not able to attend becuase of his treatments. When I came home my whole house, including the baby's room had been painted. To top it off, he went out and bought a crib. Since I'm usually such a control freak, I'm glad I didn't freak out and cry about it, I was actually happy!):

I came home on Sunday to find my whole house had been painted. It was really nice. I was a little creeped out to know that a few people were poking around in my closets and re-arranging stuff of mine but everything is back to the way I like it. Also, the sweet hubby that I have went out and bought a crib and set it all up in the baby's room for me. I love it :) I guess he was staging his own "while you were out" and I called the one day saying my mom wanted to furnish the nursery so he got a little nervous about the whole thing but I bet mom will be glad to know, no crib buying will be in her near future ;) I pretty much have the room set up to my standards, a dresser needs another coat of paint and a bookshelf needs to be refinished but other than that things look marvelous if I do say so myself!

A trip to the ER...

You know when you watch shows like ER and Grey's Anatomy and there is some ridiculous story line. Kind of like the story where "Little Billy's coach was beating him up and he ended up in the hospital with a broken arm and then his mom shows up and she's a crack ho and then they find out that the mom has cancer and only has two hours to live" and you think to yourself, that is CRAZY. That never happens. Well let me tell you, that kind of stuff does happen to people....people like me (except for the whole crack ho part *nervous laugh*).

The morning started like any other, Sunday morning, sort of easy like (I bet you have that song in your head now...). Me hangin on my couch catching up on America's Next Top Model in my big furry pyjama bottoms that have a hole in the crotchular area, non-showered and smelly oh and my big ugly glasses on my face. Mason on the floor playing with the devil hamster and then the next thing I remember he is up screaming and jumping around crying about being bit by the devil hamster. The way he was dancing and screaming was sort of amusing so I did what any good mother does, I laughed.

Until I decided laughing was not appropriate, and I should probably go get him a bandaid and some Polysporin for his devil wound. When I came around the corner of the bathroom I almost fainted. There was blood, squiring out of my child's finger. I'm not exagerating this at all...I saw the finger and him running it under water and when he took it out of the stream of water it squirted out like a water gun...only like gun of blood. Lots of blood.

So then I freaked out and in turn Mason freaked out and then my mom freaked out. Which ended up with people rushing around, one of three bleeding all over my newest Avon magazine, my computer monitor, my "He's Just Not That Into You" DVD and apparantly my fuzzy purple pyjama bottoms. Then somehow amongst all that freaking out and bleeding we ended up at the ER with Mason's finger being held tightly in my favourite fall hand towel, me with matted hair, purple fuzzy pyjamas with "air-conditioning" and Mason with egg sandwich still mucked all over his face.

My poor Avon magazine, which Mason has now turned into a "beware of hamster" sign got a little messed up.

Then we waited. Waited while the reception nurses talked about their breaks, talked about their schedule and likely were wishing they were home with their families to eat some turkey. I was standing there, annoyed, thinking how my child's finger was bleeding to death, that he probably had some crazy hamster zombie disease and all these bitches could do was talk about their schedules. So I had to be the annoying mother. The one who "politely" interrupts to inform these workers that my child has a blood-squirting finger.

Then to triage where the very nice nurses spoke to me by asking my son questions, which was strange, but it was probably because I looked like the crack ho who had cancer and they didn't want to deal with me on a day where they were dreaming about turkeys and their family and stuffing....ohh yes stuffing. When they removed my dish towel, my favourite fall dish towel with the pumpkin on it (thanks mom for not grabbing an ugly one!) his finger wasn't bleeding. Like not even a bit. Then I felt stupid and sort of like a crack ho and I wanted to run away like Napoleon Dynamite.

But we stayed.

Because I was afraid of devil hamster disease and I was afraid that it would start squirting again if he pointed his finger the wrong way or bent it.

and we waited.

and while we waited, I went into the restroom to wash my blood stained hands and try to make myself un-stinky and presentable in case Dr. Luka Kovac happened to be on duty at this particular ER.

My blood-stained hand

Then we waited some more.

and I tweeted.

and called the other grandma, but didn't leave a message because I knew she would freak out and be on her way there on her scooter that goes 150km/hour.

for a finger.

that wasn't even bleeding anymore.

and again, I felt stupid.

but I was scared.

Then I thought about that movie "Adventures in Babysitting" where the one kid gets stabbed in the foot and goes to the hospital and the doctor gives him one stitch.

More waiting.

Then we played "I spy" and "Simon Says" and then we played a mixture of the two games together, that didn't turn out so well. Then I listened to other people's problems through the curtains.

Because I'm nosey like that.

I listened in about the boy with the broken foot two curtains down, and the older girl with the mystery disease who was not very helpful in diagnosing her problems. It kind of went like this:

Doctor: Do you run?

Girl: Yes.

Doctor: Did you have shortness of breath when you were running before?

Girl: I don't run!

It was awkward, and kind of annoying because I felt stupid and I wanted to go home, as did my child who was tired of playing "I Spy Simon Says".

Then it was our turn.

oh crap it was a Dr. Luka.

and he didn't even smirk when he found out it was a hamster bite, he was so professional, he acted as if he looks at punctured hamster bites every single day and then goes to the cafeteria to eat rice pudding and whipped cream, he totally looked like that type. He did ask me if it was a hamster that lived indoors (uhhh...do hamsters live outside ever?) and asked Mason if he was skipping school today (it's Sunday). I think perhaps he was tired. As residents usually are.

So we ended up with an official diagnosis of puncture wound. So even though it doesn't look like much, it actually goes very deep into his finger. Because it was a hamster bite, the wound could not be closed up by stitching (probably just one stitch!) because if there is any infection in the wound it would then be trapped in and they don't want that to happen.

So we went with a thorough cleaning. Which was painful to watch and took a really long time of squirting "special water" slowly into the wound. Because it took a long time, I figured now was the time to crack a hamster joke - no, too soon, so I asked the resident if they get many hamster bites in the ER. Surprisingly this was his first. I'm sure he couldn't wait for us to leave so he could crack a joke about hamster bites to all his resident friends, like they do on Grey's Anatomy, only this time it wasn't an action figure shoved up someone's anus, it was a kid with a hamster bite. So probably not as funny but probably a lot more common than an action figure up the anus (I hope).

So the ordeal is over, my child still has his finger and he is resting comfortably. By resting I mean jumping from couch-to-couch and screeching like a bat. I think he might have hamster zombie disease after all.

PS - Check out this amazing Adventures in Babysitting video that someone made on YouTube!

PPS - Just kidding. That was pretty much horrible.

PPPS - If you made that or like it I'm sorry, but it really was a little bit terrible.