If I could turn back time...

Everybody I know is looking forward to something. Not just something like going to see a movie on Tuesday, I'm talking big, life-changing things. Excitement and happiness all around.

I am happy for my friends, but I can't help but feel a little bit stuck. I have no plans, nothing to look forward to and not much has been exciting me lately. I know that sounds totally "emo" of me, but sometimes, as a grieving single mother, I get to say that kind of thing when I'm feeling down and it's your job to either a) listen or b) run like mad from the insane crying girl.

I've been doing a lot of thinking these past few days, mostly about perfecting my peanut butter/chocolate ice cream recipe, but also about how things would be if I had the capability to turn back time (insert Cher song into your head now).

Just think, what if you had the capability to go back to yesterday, last week, last month, year and beyond (especially if you enjoyed the 80's and early 90's as much as I did!).

I wouldn't mind going back to the days when I played Transformers in my grandma's bed, or the times I watched Sesame Street. I could go back to my kindergarten days and punch that bully in the face for stealing my Wagon Wheel everyday. I could go back to that one day when I lost my clip-on penguin and instead of crying and missing my school bus home, I would have remembered I left him on the bookshelf.

I could go back to the day when I was wearing those saggy pants and put on a belt so when my cousin pulled them down and yelled "saggers" in front of everybody they wouldn't budge. Maybe even go back to the day when I ate dandelion milk and threw up bran muffins in my backyard - I don't know why that day is stuck in my head, but I definitely would not eat those dandelions.

My pre-high school years, I would visit them often. My friends, my crush, my first boyfriend. I would fight harder to stay, and when that didn't work I would have kept in touch. Safety Patroller dances, wearing that red Sunday School dress to the dance, I definitely would have changed that.

High school - I would be more outgoing. I would not care so much about what other people thought and when I had to move to another school I would have tried to find the cafeteria rather than eating alone in the stair well everyday.

If I could turn back time:

-I would never have gotten those pink framed glasses. They were dorky.
-I wouldn't have let my mom's friend give me a mullet
-I would have kept in touch
-I would not have kept in touch
-I wouldn't have bought that "barenaked" hat. I looked like a dork.
-I would have spent more time with her, and told her I loved her more often
-I would have been a better friend
-I wouldn't have listened to "Said I Loved You But I Lied" on repeat after that last time I saw him.
-...and then "Don't Turn Around" on repeat after I thought about him a whole lot more. (speaking of which, wasn't Lucky Love an awesome Ace of Base song??
-I wouldn't have gone out with that bozo with all the ugly tattoos because he cheated on me and stole my bike.
-I would have skipped the whole computer programming thing - what was I thinking?
-I wouldn't have bought that girl a pair of jeans on my credit car. She was a bitch and didn't pay me back and now she's a hobo. I wonder if she still has those jeans?
-I wouldn't have been so drunk when I was 20
-I wouldn't have gone to see male strippers so many times.
-I wouldn't have played "hard to get" for so long so we could have been together a few weeks longer.
-I wouldn't have struggled to say "I love you" before it was too late
-Maybe I wouldn't have loved him at all so it wouldn't have hurt so much when it was over
-I would have fought a lot harder - as hard as I could
-I would have ate a shit load more ice cream before my metabolism turned into Satan
-I would have tried harder to be happy (see above)
-I wouldn't have let my guard down - three times
-I wouldn't have been so mean
-I wouldn't have been so nice
-I wouldn't have been so drunk (wait, did I say that one already)
-I wouldn't have spent all that money
-I wouldn't have let so much time slip by without cherishing every moment as much as I could
-I wouldn't have worn those black pants because they had a little hole beside the zipper and you could totally see my striped underwear if you stared at my crotch.
-I wouldn't have driven on that road at that hour and that deer wouldn't have killed my poor poor Benny
-I wouldn't have let him make me cry
-I would have told him how I really felt
-I wouldn't have wasted my time on the wrong one

How about you? If you could go back in time, what would you change? Leave a comment or post on your own blog and let me know!

Africa...

This is the coolest...and in case you are dumb like me, they are imitating rain in the beginning. I totally didn't get it at first, but now I do...I am so smrt. ;)

Wordless Wednesday: July 29, 2009

I missed him so much...even if all he ever wants to do when he is home is watch Treehouse.

Lonely cart..

It's so strange going grocery shopping alone. I'm so used to having a little person hanging right on the end of this cart. He usually asks for everything and I am constanly having to tell him no. I'm really not that mean, it's just that his idea of good food and my idea of good food are pretty different. Of course he would like to eat chocolate bars for dinner, actually I kind of would like that too, but as a mom, it's just not allowed.

Tonight was so strange for me. Shopping by myself, expecting my child to throw a tantrum over a big bag of sugar candies any second, but it didn't happen. I can't even remember the last time I went grocery shopping without a kid in tow.

The funny thing is, when he wasn't there to pick out junk food, I ended up picking it out for him because I miss him. Lots. It's crazy. I know he's having fun, and this break was needed majorly for both of us, but I'm ready to have him back and feed him the junk food I bought.

Catch of the day...

I missed him too much, so I drove an hour away to find him and hang out with him for the day and do "camping things". It was a lot of fun, but I'm a little sad that I left the guy there until Tuesday. I honestly think I needed this break, but missing him is HARD.

We started off in the pool, and the whole time that I watched him act like one of the big boys, it made me wish that he would want to come home more and more. He was swimming like a champ, I really need to do that with him more often becuase he really enjoys swimming and the lessons have really paid off.

Then we went fishing and he caught his very first fish! It was such a surreal moment. I mean, I've taken him fishing before but we never caught anything. The first time we went he ended up knee-deep in sinking mud at the side of the Thames River. The second time I decided to play it safe and took him to a trout farm - and we still didn't catch anything. You should have seen the look on his face...it was priceless.

...his second fish looked a little bit like a mutant, but who's judging. He seems to think that these fish will be coming back to London with him so he can give them to his daycare teacher (because "Scotty" killed her fish).

Then I ruined the whole day by catching the biggest fish of all...my 45 pound son on a hook with a huge juicy worm on it. I told him to stand back as I yanked the snagged line from the bushes. Wouldn't you know it, the hook came flying out of the bush at "ludicrous" speed and hooked my child in the neck (with the worm still wiggling on the end).

Luckily it wasn't too deep and it didn't bleed, but I can only imagine how traumatizing having a hook (and a worm) in your neck actually is, so Mason ran into a bush which I could only assume was poison ivy (because girls know that every bush is poison ivy), am I right?

Alone...

Yesterday I packed up my baby and sent him to a big scary trailer with his grandma and aunt and cousin and a bunch of skateboarding teenagers. Remember how I really needed a break? Well my message was heard and he was whisked away to have a fun weekend of camping and fishing and maybe some broken bones or something when he tries a skateboard trick (yes, I worry).

I looked forward to a weekend which would not include the following in my vocabulary:

• No
• Don't touch that
• Leave it
• Wash your hands
• Wash your face
• Wipe your feet
• Get your fingers out of your mouth
• Stop eating that
• No licking
• Pick up your Hot Wheels
• Put it away
• Ear wax is not a garnish

...just to name a few.

After last night, I am sort of regretting my decision. The house was quiet, way too quiet. I haven't said a word since my friend dropped me off last night at 8:30pm so I am wondering if my voice actually works. Last night was rough. Not having that little body sneak into my bed and kick me repeatedly was just weird and by 2:30 I couldn't handle it anymore - I needed to be kicked!

I tried to get some more sleep, but it just wasn't happening so I decided to go on Twitter for a bit and then I heard a noise that sounded suspiciously like a burglar so I decided to stay awake until the sun came up at 6:30. The last time I stayed awake until the sun came up was the time I was at my grandma's house and I swear I saw Freddy Krueger under her bed...claw and all. You try sleeping after seeing that!

So it is now noon, I am still in my pyjamas underwear and thinking of getting into a hardcore game of Sims 3 to pass the time of being alone - until I hear a burglar and start hiding kitchen knives around the house.

PS - I was just thinking, if you are a burglar and you are reading this and you happen to know where I live, please do not come to burgle me today - I'm scared.

PPS - Burglars beware, I am now hiding knives.

How "Scotty" Makes My Life a Living Hell...

Have you ever been bullied? I have. This one time in kindergarten (like way back before I even got those big pink glasses) this big grade 8 girl would sit beside me on the school bus and eat my Wagon Wheels. She was so mean. I remember that bitch. If I wasn't such a shy kid who played with clip-on penguins I woulda punched her right in her face, between the nose and the mouth (right mom??). Maybe I just didn't care, because after eating Wagon Wheels everyday since the day I was born, they were getting a little boring, honestly, but the principle was, she stole my damn lunch everyday and it pissed me off. I honestly believe it was the beginning of my bottled up rage.

Then another time in grade 8 these girls made fun of my big pink glasses and my hand-me-down Hypercolour t-shirt I was given by my cousin and I ran home crying, and didn't leave the house for like the rest of the summer. More pent up rage. I think one time someone made fun of me at the zoo and my stepdad hopped out of his wheelchair (he had one leg) and beat that guy up in front of the Komodo Dragons, but I don't think I remember that too much, I just remember him beating that guy up and me laughing as we got kicked out of the Komodo Dragon exhibit.

Now that I'm a mother, one of my biggest fears for my child is getting picked on. Kids are friggin mean these days! I'm not even kidding, they make fun of him for not having a dad, like it's his fault or something. They make fun of him for his speech delay. They make fun of him for being sweet and bringing flowers for the teachers. These are five year olds I'm talking about here....FIVE! At this rate they will be smoking cigars and having sex in the Playboy Mansion by the year 2012.

I mean these kids are absolutely rotten..and I'm not saying my kid is a saint, but he is definitely the one who comes home and cries because of the "play yard profanities" he had been called that day such as: "Stupid Head", "Baby" and "Poo Licker" (which is a pretty awesome two-word obscenity for a five year old to come up with - way to go bully!)

But there is one kid that makes my life a living hell. "Scotty". "Scotty" is a jerk....and I honestly don't feel bad saying that, as ghetto as it sounds, he really is. "Scotty" throws sand in my kid's face every. single. day. Do you have any idea how hard it is to wash sand out of a kid's hair or how embarrassing it is to explain to a hairdresser that he has had sand in his hair for a week that just won't come out. Don't blame me, it's "Scotty".

Mornings are a huge struggle for us. Every morning it's a fight to get my kid out the door because he's afraid of "Scotty". Heck, I'm afraid of "Scotty" sometimes too, but mama's gotta work. It almost makes me feel like I'm dropping him off in prison and he's "Scotty's" bitch.

Every afternoon when I pick him up I hear all the "Scotty" stories. The other day he told me how "Scotty" stabbed a fish in the fish tank and it died...STABBED. DIED. Cry for help much?

I so badly want to find this "Scotty" kid, take a big dump truck of sand and pour it right down his pants so he'll be picking sand grains out of his arse for a week, but then I remember that there is very obviously something wrong with this kid. Maybe his parents divorced, dad died, maybe he is abused. Until "Scotty" gets some help, I will just sneer at his parents and stick my tongue out behind their backs, because that's how I roll.

Pilates are the devil, but it keeps you out of Depends

I had the morning of hell. Anything that could have went wrong, really did, which is actually a normal occurrance in my life, but that is a whooooole other story.

So after my dismal morning, the last thing I wanted to do was pelvic lunges and butt flings, but I figured what else could go wrong today? So I put it all aside, got dressed in my super-cute workout clothes and brushed my hair so it was super-pretty. Then there I was, in a small room with 5 of my co-workers, pelvic lunging and stretching muscles I didn't even know existed. To be honest, I was rockin pilates.

When she told us to raise our left leg, mine went up, when she told me to smoosh my face into the mat, I thought ehh, okay, sort of weird, but my face was smooshed, in fact I smooshied it into that mat more than anybody else in that room smooshed.

I was a champ at the cat position, I nailed the seal position...I'm telling ya, I was on fire!!

I was really into it and I felt like I knew everything, until the class was over and the instructor pulled me aside and told me not to worry, everybody has trouble co-ordinating their first class and that she hoped I would come back to the next class and not to be discouraged.

I suck.

My pelvis doesn't like you anymore pilates.

...but thanks for that tip on Depends. That was good to know for realz.

Hobos, Strangers and Burglars (oh my!)

When I was 20, I had no worries in the world (ohhh to be 20 again!). That would be the 15th time I've said that this week if anybody happen to be keeping track of that or anything. Anyway, being 20, I was careless, I was invincible and burglars didn't scare me because I had my boyfriend and his pitbull to protect me (even though I hated that dog....so sorry but I did!).

Don't get me wrong, I can put up a pretty good fight, after all I did get my red belt in karate but quit when I kicked my dad in the nuts and he got mad and grounded me. It was like "oh hey honey, what did you learn today at that over-priced karate I am sending you to?" *wham* right in the crotch. I was good at karate! Oh wait, actually I quit when I grew boobies, but still kicking dad was pretty cool too so I thought I would mention that *waves*.

Anyway, as I was saying, I was a tough chick. I never had to use my toughness...why? Because I was 20 and it was super-awesome and I was cool and I had a dog that was mean and smelly and a house with a boy who was all like crazy when people did mean shit to me. It was awesome...being 20 was cool...if I could do it again..ohhhh boy.

Argh, where was I, oh yeah so now that I'm old-ish and alone, I'm starting to notice that people get robbed a whole lot more. I mean, it's pretty crazy around here. You got boys beating up old ladies in the park for the candy on the bottom of their purse, skateboarding punks beating up skateboarding punks for god knows what they might have of value, and even little kids are getting involved in this lifestyle of looting by stealing Bakugans from other kids baskets in the coat room at daycare (don't I know this one first hand...*roll eyes*)

We've got losers murdering little girls, men murdering eachother - execution style, rich kids robbing eachother for their iPods. Let's face it, this city is a sick, sick place, only I didn't see any of this when I was 20 (because life was so awesome...etc etc!).

This all really became so much more real for me when I ventured downtown alone a couple weekends ago. It was late, I decided I needed a chai latte badly, plus I was alone and bored so why not. It was all going great until I heard someone whisper from a bush "hey you, come here". I'm thinking, are you kidding me? This hobo is gonna try to rob me but is too lazy to come and get me so he's calling me over to the corner of a dark parking lot to a bush. Is this what crime has come to? For real? It really could have been an evil bush, but you can't fool me, I'm not 20 anymore! I mean it was kind of funny because it looked like a cartoon bush talking, but it was totally a hobo because I saw his cigarette glowing on the inside of the bush - which actually added humour to the evil bush theory.

Maybe it's because I am a mother now, I worry about my kid getting beaten up for his Bakugans or maybe even his shoes...who knows what kids are thinking these days. I worry about someone stealing him in the middle of the night, heck I even worry that another kid is going to be mean to him every morning when I drop him off at school - because that is what I do, every single morning it's like wake up - worry about burglars and scary losers.

I have even considered moving out into the country, but there are even weirdos there, and the weirdos there are even weirder because they have wood chippers and leather masks (hello...try watching Jeepers Creepers!).

So for now, I will remain in this city of criminals and lunatics, munching on my Prozac and sleeping with kitchen knives because you totally never know who is going to be creeping around.

...and because I am such a nice person and I honestly love you all so much, I have decided to share some tips with you to keep the burglars away:

• Keep your doors locked, even when you are at home. I can't stress this enough. One time when R. was still alive, I left the door unlocked and a drunk bum came into our kitchen. R. and his brother threw him out "Jazz Style". If this would have happened with me being alone, I would have had to let him move in and would have probably nicknamed him Fred or something because I am totally not good at throwing out bums.


• Record the make, model, and serial number of valuables and keep the records in a safe place. - I loved this tip. Kind of like the one time I got burgled and they left a Vanity Fair magazine on my kitchen counter. The burglars stole my autographed OLP cd and I was pissed because it totally took me two meetings of OLP to get all of their signatures. Now whenever I see that CD in a thrift store I check to see if it was signed because I want it back.


• Have keys ready and in your hand for immediate use when you return home. - I just want to add to this and say that it's probably so you can stab people with your keys. Just sayin.


• That is, make it seem difficult to a burglar. If he/she perceives it as difficult to enter to enter, the chances are that he/she will try somewhere else. -This means you should have some thorny bushes or like poison ivy (or oak..you choose) around your windows so if they try to enter they will get hurt - hopefully badly. Roses are a good choice...or cactii if you live in such a climate.

..of course there are many more that you can read about at this totally awesome burglar site. Stay safe internet peeps!

Wordless Wednesday: July 22, 2009

I promise that was water in that fountain (at least I think anyway).

...promptly after this was taken, a big fat man turned on a lower tap of the water fountain and sprayed up my leg, which in turn made me scream like a psychopath and jump into a stinky mud puddle with my brand new white runners.

Thanks fatty.

(I hate you)

Marriage Proposals...

A co-worker of mine became engaged over the weekend. I mean, she kind of expected it but didn't really...know what I mean? They had gone ring shopping a couple weeks ago and he pulled the old "can't afford it right now" trick and now two weeks later she got a proposal in a big hill of sand.

Yes, you read that correctly, he proposed on a huge sand hill. Which got me thinking, marriage proposal ideas must be getting pretty scarce because even to me that doesn't sound that out there. In fact, I think it may have been done already.

You have the billboard proposals, the scoreboard proposals at a sports game or event, the shaving "will you marry me" into your head, sky diving, writing it in sand, at a fancy restaurant, at a not-so-fancy restaurant, during sex, not during sex...you get it, right? I mean these have all been done before. Go ahead and think of the craziest marriage proposal that you can and I'm pretty sure it's been done which means guys (and sometimes girls!) are under a lot of pressure to come up with that perfect marriage proposal...and I'm sure it's hard!

Maybe some of you don't mind not having your own ideas, in that case, I have done all the hard work for you to come up with a few ideas for your marriage proposal:

Cutting yourself and painting your proposal on a rock is a great idea (if you are a psychopath)

Just don't burn down her house, okay?

Hey, why not!

Mario Luvs you lots.

Nothing says I love you like Donald Trump hair. *swoon*

Yummm!

Just as he goes to get down on one knee, Jaws gobbled him up. Maybe he should have went with the whole blood on the rock thing instead.

Wow. I bet that would cover a whole trailer.

Whoa, I would totallly marry this guy. You know what they say about big green light sabers?? *ahem*

Twitter proposals are hot.

So is this...do ya like how I lead up to that one...hahaha

This is always awesome.

...unless this happens!

WHAT IF SHE SAYS NO??? HUH??? Dude will have to cut off his arm! Geez!

The backpack

For some of you, choosing your child's backpack for his first year of school is easy, some not so easy - but still okay, and for some it is a life or death situation...or so it seems that way anyway. Maybe there really are people who have life or death situations when it comes to picking a backpack like if their child was allergic to the material or something.

In my case, this was another decision I had to make on my own - and it's not easy! There are backpacks of all different kinds out there, as you are probably aware of if you are in the same situation as I was. Ones with characters, ones plain, big ones, small ones, ones with wheels, ones that had cute little owls on them only to find out it was actualy for girls (oops!). I do not take these decisions lightly by any means.

Because this will be M's first year of actual school, I am freaking out. First of all, I am wondering how he is going to get there because his school is half day, everyday - definitely catered to the moms (or dads) who stay home while their significant other goes out to work. That being said, I worry about being the mom and dad. The one who is ALWAYS there. I already felt that way when we went to the interview for the school, but I am sure it will be much more real when school actually starts.

On a sidenote, this school stuff is really going to make me insane. There have been so many monumental events we have done alone. Birthdays two through five, surgeries, moving houses - they have all been just us and for some reason this one sticks out as a huge one. One of the ones where I stress about it (and probably even cry about it at night) because I'm a loser like that.

Back to the backpack though, I am sure there will be much more single mom whines once the year actually starts so stay tuned. I have lots of time, but everybody knows that all the good backpacks are gone way before school actually starts, and this one had to be special. Same with halloween costumes, the good ones always sell out - even before September starts (that was my tip of the day). Seriously, I used to call Old Navy at least twice a week to find out when the costumes were actually out on the floor.

So choosing a backpack was a very big deal for me (one that Mason had absolutely no say in because what I say goes - just kidding - sorta). In the end, we chose a spaceship one, but decided against the matching lunchbox (which actually I'm kinda thinking I might go back and snatch up for the following year - grade one..eek!!). I chose it for the durability, comfort and of course the cute little "retro" spaceships.

If R. were still alive, he would be all like "you paid HOW much for that?" and I would be all like "honey, it was 30% off" and then his head would explode and he would die again. Although I would probably talk to him about it, be all ambiguous and mention it at the dinner table - because I knew how much he hated spending money - total opposite of me, but it was great! He would then let me down gently, tell me it was too much and that he would get an old backpack, slap a few AC/DC, Rolling Stones and Kid Rock (cuz that's how he rolled) patches on the back and he would be the coolest kid in school. To which I would then get upset^* and he would give in - because that's just how it was, and it worked well for both of us.

So I got the backpack, but now I am kind of regretting my decision and wish I would have seen this one. I'm just not so sure it is big enough...opinions? Not that they will matter (kidding!!)

^* - I was a 23 year old brat.

Wither I'm a Flower

- for you.

Picked up some men!

We stopped at a garage sale this morning and I picked up these friendly guys! They sure like to drink a lot of rum, but I think it's charming! One has a peg leg, I don't judge ;)
Uploaded by www.cellspin.net

Sometimes even Batman needs to take a nap!

Uploaded by www.cellspin.net

The post where I say cryptic 13 times...

I am cryptic. Maybe it makes me interesting, maybe it makes me evil or maybe it just makes me downright rude, any way you feel about it, it's the way I am. Being cryptic isn't all so bad, as there are many different ways one can be cryptic.

I'm the uncomfortable cryptic, the one who says things but really means something else only because I am not comfortable saying/acting out how I really feel. It has it's downfalls and a lot of things have passed me by from being cryptic - heck I'm probably being cryptic right now! It's not a bad thing, this is just my way of protecting myself. I wasn't always this way, in fact I used to be a total opposite.

Then there is the annoying crpytic. Take for instance my neighbour. Today she came out bragging about how someone gave her a gift card for a grocery store. I pretended to be interested as I fumbled with my keys and did a fake "pee pee dance". Then she TRIED to be cryptic, but just came off as stupid as she stared longingly at my car (or Tina the Fat Whore as James calls it) and said "I wish I just knew where I could get a ride to the store".

I stared for a second, blinked and said turned around and said bye. You see, in a way this is good because I can never say no (which I probably shouldn't be sharing!). If someone asks me for something and I don't have a good reason to say no, I never do (which made me really popular in college - gahh I kid!!! Because she chose to be cryptic, I in turn was able to weasle my way out of not giving the a-hole a ride to the grocery store.

I know you guys are probably thinking I'm soooooooo EVIL, but the truth is, I did give her a ride to the grocery store before...and helped her do her photocopying, and she didn't even bother to thank me so now I have no problem with saying no.

Then there are the evil cryptics. The villians, the ones who want to be cryptic because they want you to struggle before you reach your goal. Kind of like the bad doll guy in those Saw movies. Maybe I am a little bit of an evil cryptic, except for the whole cutting off your own foot part...but these kind of cryptics can be a little bit romantic and mesmerizing. It's hard to get away from their antics and they are very intriguing...except for those doll guys, they are creepy.

Maybe I'm just reading too much into things, but being cryptic is really annoying when you feel you have to speed up your life to make up for the time you wasted while being in a depressed state. I'm going to try hard at not being so cryptic....I think :/

Three Bees, One Flower...

If you look really closely you will see three big fuzzy bees! Never in my life have I seen this many of the big fuzzy bees in one place! This wasn't all of them though, there were tons just devouring these "flowers" which I am told could actually be "pretty weeds". They make my front yard look amazing with the purple, white and yellow, they are just so tall!

I was under the impression that the big fuzzy bees could not sting. Imagine that, 28 years old and for this long I always thought these guys were too fat to sting (no, I am not lying). As it turns out, apparently they can sting and if I had of known that before I started taking these pictures, I probably would have ran away screaming as I do any other time I see a bee. Luckily these guys were much too busy drinking their pollen (or as it looked to me, humping the flowers).

I've never been stung by a bee...ever. I think that's why I'm so afraid of them, because I just don't know what it feels like, and that scares me. Kind of like having a baby, I actually don't really know what that feels like even though I have one. I was higher than a freakin kite *ahem* anywayyyyy....things that I have never experienced before scare me. Bees are scary.

This kiss...

I received this e-mail at work today and thought it was an interesting read. If you like kissing (or making out with things *cough*) then this info might be good for you!



1. There are tons of nerve endings ...
… in your lips (100 times more than in your fingertips!) that stimulate desire.

2. In parts of Japan, Siberia and among the Eskimo culture...
... rubbing noses was, until modern times, the only kind of kissing that went on.

3. To make kissing more palatable, young maids would carry a clove-studded apple when courting, exchanging a bite for a kiss...
... The apple helped to clean the suitor's teeth and the cloves to sweeten his breath.

4. when seeing a woman a man is attracted to...
... a man's saliva fills with the male hormone testosterone. It passes some of those hormones on to the female, making her more in the mood for love.

5. Men initiate open-mouth kissing to transfer ...
… libido-boosting testosterone to their partner. So when he's getting a little more aggressive, it's not just about his desire — he wants you to be a bit more amorous too.

6. Men are more than twice as likely ...
… to sleep with a bad kisser than are women.

7. Fifty-four percent of women ...
… between the ages of 18 and 24 say they've kissed another girl. That number drops to 43 percent for those between 25 and 34.

8. During the Middle Ages, people signed legal contracts ...
… by making an "X" on the document and then kissing it to pledge their honor. That's how XX became shorthand for a smooch.

Perhaps you might know an exorcist that could help me out?

I need a break. Seriously, I am here waving the white flag, throwing in the towel or what have you, I give up! He won. The fat lady sang a beautiful song - I am a terrible mother.

I just want to know what happened to my sweet little boy. The one who cried because someone at school called him a baby. This same child is now not listening to a word I say to him, kicking, punching and screamed and yelled at 11pm because I wouldn't get him a chicken burger. A friggin CHICKEN BURGER? For realz dude?

I personally think screaming for a chicken burger is a sign of the devil, but apparently these are the things I do wrong (according to grandma #1 and #2)
- He is acting out because you buy him too many toys
- He screams at the top of his lungs over a chicken burger because you have to be more firm with him.
- He defies everything you say because you didn't buy him a puppy.
- He leaves his dirty underwear laying around because he doesn't have a man in his life to yell at him.
- He gives you a hard time every morning because you don't spend enough time with him.
- He kicks you because you didn't do the safety pin trick where you poke the kids with a pin when they are bad.

Unless it involves holy water and a priest, I think I'll stick to modern times and yell and scream back at him until he is embarassed...and while I'm at it, maybe I'll embarass him in front of his little friends. Who am I kidding? Nothing works, my child is broken!

And this, my friends, is one of the downfalls of being a "single parent" (I hate that term so much!). I am always the bad guy - always! In fact, I'm working on develping an evil laugh and evil person costume. Now I just need an evil name....

Let's vlog laundry, okay?

*Disclaimer: If you read my blog and comment I probably won't punch you...ever :)

PS - Don't make fun of my Lisa Simpson-esque spiky hair...or I will punch you!
PPS - Don't make fun of my voice, I have a voice problem, I think I yell too much, anyway just don't make fun of me...ever...or I will punch you and then cry and call my mom.

Justin Timberlake, this is where I laugh in your face!

http://ca.dating.personals.yahoo.com/singles/gettingstarted/9872/justin-timberlakes-dating-dos-and-donts/ Brought to you by the wonderful folks over at Yahoo Personals, home of 59 year old men posing as 30 year olds until you meet them in person and they are hairy and old...no personal experience, but I've heard things....THINGS..

Justin Timberlake wants all us pathetic single girls to know just how to hook the man of our dreams because these tips sure as hell worked for him. Learning the do's and dont's of dating from Justin Timberlake would be like taking the "how not to suck at life" course from Lindsay Lohan.

The boy can sing, he can dance, but he dates like a fool (as seen here in exhibit A, exhibit B and exhibit C). but wow...dating tips from a celebrity...I got chills. So I clicked the link...and I got a wee bit stupider.

My favourite had to be #3 "Be Natural". So apparently JT likes him some smellies!

...but who am I to judge, in fact, I could probably use all the dating tips I can get, you just have to realize where the source is. I imagine if I started following this I would be wearing dirty Hello Kitty shirts and have smelly arm pits everyday, not to mention start bum rushing celebrities (because I so want to do that - you know, becuase they are gods and all).

PS - I have a crush on Justin Timberlake - haha just kidding!

PPS - I have never been on Yahoo Personals, but I have heard things.

PPPS - Jessica Biel stinks.

Finally...

He sleeps!

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The tackle box...

It's been in my basement since we moved here. In the same spot. Dust collecting indubitably, slowly decaying as it has not been disturbed in such a long time.

It was his.

The intention is to pass it on to our son, at this time much too dangerous, what with the hooks and matches and other things I had planned to remove as they were not appropriate for a boy of a such a young age.

But I didn't.

I couldn't.

The pack of matches, half extinguished. The prescription pill bottle filled with fish hooks of various sizes. The gadget that has many uses, opened so the knife is ready, most likely to cut up fish, but I will never know.

Everything has its place, and it was never mine to tell exactly what place it belonged. It was his.

Of everything we kept, this always comes to mind as being the most valued, because it is him.

The fishing gadgets.
lures.
bells.
hooks.

He chose all of those himself. He chose them and he decided to put them in this little box. He knew where they belonged, had a place for everything.

Even the smell of the old box never went away. Smoke and dirty fishing lures fills this box. It never fades. Am I ever glad I never had the urge to disinfect this stuff because I would lose another piece of him.

I can open this box anytime and think of him.

Even the reel. That reel that lit up his face like a kid on Christmas. The one that he claimed reminded him of his father's reel because of the clicking sound it made when you wound it in. That sound was his way of coping sometimes, I could tell.

The same reel that I tangled the line on recently. That's how we were, I broke things, he fixed them, and it worked splendidly.

That reel is beside the tackle box. Waiting. When he's ready it will be his.

I just hope that he can appreciate this as much as I do.

Move over Elton John...

....honestly he really did like it! He was just sleepy because I was too anxious to wait until he was fully awake. I was worried he would be uncomfortable with the fishing line so I built him a harness out of toilet paper and double-sided tape...voila! Saturday afternoon entertainment!

Cats are insane....

(but I like them!)

Even a hamster can use an iPhone!

Technology is amazing. Seriously though, to make it so a hamster can make a telephone call, check his e-mail, look at hamster porn...incredible.

If you follow me on Twitter, you would have noticed that this afternoon I was very busy conducting some scientific experiments on my iPhone.

Long story short, a list of items that would let you use the touch screen on the iPhone was conducted and the results were very interesting:

Orange (as tested previously) - Yes
Cherry - Yes
Pear - Yes (with difficulty)
Little rubber finger tip thingy - No
Freezie (frozen) - No
Freezie (melted) - Yes
Roxy's paw - Yes
Tongue (thanks Karolijn!) - Yes
(if you are super nerdy or just want to know how it works, check out this article!)
...and then when I got home, the best experiment of them all:

Hamster - YES!!!


Hamsters could rule the world with this kind of technology, that is if they didn't have brains the size of a tic-tac. You know what, I take that back, Junior is pretty smart. One time he escaped and I was building a booby trap (via staircase made of old VHS movies) in the basement to catch him and just as I was putting up the final step, I looked up and he was watching me build the stairs!

Actually I take that back again, I had a hamster (who oddly enough looked identical to Junior) when I was in grade 7 and he went into the furnace grate thingy and died and was really smelly for a few days before we found him all puffed up.

Imagine hamsters with little weapons or like zombie hamsters. Yeah zombie hamsters that come up out of the ground and start dancing to Thriller. Oh the possibilities are endless with hamsters.

I think I will now make this a a hamster blog. It will be fun.

Well at least one of us got a new Beetle!

Giving mom a heart attack

Good job son :/

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Being domestified...

...and in case you are wondering, I am hoping this turns out to be lasagna... Or at least somewhat similar. This is a big step... I cooked! (err.. I'm cooking, it's far from done still)

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I know how you feel...

Check out Cal's blog to see the translation of this video (too funny!!)
http://calvinscanadiancaveofcool.blogspot.com/2009/05/talking-caturday-kitties.html

These Eyes..

...are going to drive girls crazy when he's older.

Happy Canada Day