Thursday, July 30, 2009
Everybody I know is looking forward to something. Not just something like going to see a movie on Tuesday, I'm talking big, life-changing things. Excitement and happiness all around.
I am happy for my friends, but I can't help but feel a little bit stuck. I have no plans, nothing to look forward to and not much has been exciting me lately. I know that sounds totally "emo" of me, but sometimes, as a grieving single mother, I get to say that kind of thing when I'm feeling down and it's your job to either a) listen or b) run like mad from the insane crying girl.
I've been doing a lot of thinking these past few days, mostly about perfecting my peanut butter/chocolate ice cream recipe, but also about how things would be if I had the capability to turn back time (insert Cher song into your head now).
Just think, what if you had the capability to go back to yesterday, last week, last month, year and beyond (especially if you enjoyed the 80's and early 90's as much as I did!).
I wouldn't mind going back to the days when I played Transformers in my grandma's bed, or the times I watched Sesame Street. I could go back to my kindergarten days and punch that bully in the face for stealing my Wagon Wheel everyday. I could go back to that one day when I lost my clip-on penguin and instead of crying and missing my school bus home, I would have remembered I left him on the bookshelf.
I could go back to the day when I was wearing those saggy pants and put on a belt so when my cousin pulled them down and yelled "saggers" in front of everybody they wouldn't budge. Maybe even go back to the day when I ate dandelion milk and threw up bran muffins in my backyard - I don't know why that day is stuck in my head, but I definitely would not eat those dandelions.
My pre-high school years, I would visit them often. My friends, my crush, my first boyfriend. I would fight harder to stay, and when that didn't work I would have kept in touch. Safety Patroller dances, wearing that red Sunday School dress to the dance, I definitely would have changed that.
High school - I would be more outgoing. I would not care so much about what other people thought and when I had to move to another school I would have tried to find the cafeteria rather than eating alone in the stair well everyday.
If I could turn back time:
-I would never have gotten those pink framed glasses. They were dorky.
-I wouldn't have let my mom's friend give me a mullet
-I would have kept in touch
-I would not have kept in touch
-I wouldn't have bought that "barenaked" hat. I looked like a dork.
-I would have spent more time with her, and told her I loved her more often
-I would have been a better friend
-I wouldn't have listened to "Said I Loved You But I Lied" on repeat after that last time I saw him.
-...and then "Don't Turn Around" on repeat after I thought about him a whole lot more. (speaking of which, wasn't Lucky Love an awesome Ace of Base song??
-I wouldn't have gone out with that bozo with all the ugly tattoos because he cheated on me and stole my bike.
-I would have skipped the whole computer programming thing - what was I thinking?
-I wouldn't have bought that girl a pair of jeans on my credit car. She was a bitch and didn't pay me back and now she's a hobo. I wonder if she still has those jeans?
-I wouldn't have been so drunk when I was 20
-I wouldn't have gone to see male strippers so many times.
-I wouldn't have played "hard to get" for so long so we could have been together a few weeks longer.
-I wouldn't have struggled to say "I love you" before it was too late
-Maybe I wouldn't have loved him at all so it wouldn't have hurt so much when it was over
-I would have fought a lot harder - as hard as I could
-I would have ate a shit load more ice cream before my metabolism turned into Satan
-I would have tried harder to be happy (see above)
-I wouldn't have let my guard down - three times
-I wouldn't have been so mean
-I wouldn't have been so nice
-I wouldn't have been so drunk (wait, did I say that one already)
-I wouldn't have spent all that money
-I wouldn't have let so much time slip by without cherishing every moment as much as I could
-I wouldn't have worn those black pants because they had a little hole beside the zipper and you could totally see my striped underwear if you stared at my crotch.
-I wouldn't have driven on that road at that hour and that deer wouldn't have killed my poor poor Benny
-I wouldn't have let him make me cry
-I would have told him how I really felt
-I wouldn't have wasted my time on the wrong one
How about you? If you could go back in time, what would you change? Leave a comment or post on your own blog and let me know!
Wednesday, July 29, 2009
Monday, July 27, 2009
It's so strange going grocery shopping alone. I'm so used to having a little person hanging right on the end of this cart. He usually asks for everything and I am constanly having to tell him no. I'm really not that mean, it's just that his idea of good food and my idea of good food are pretty different. Of course he would like to eat chocolate bars for dinner, actually I kind of would like that too, but as a mom, it's just not allowed.
Tonight was so strange for me. Shopping by myself, expecting my child to throw a tantrum over a big bag of sugar candies any second, but it didn't happen. I can't even remember the last time I went grocery shopping without a kid in tow.
The funny thing is, when he wasn't there to pick out junk food, I ended up picking it out for him because I miss him. Lots. It's crazy. I know he's having fun, and this break was needed majorly for both of us, but I'm ready to have him back and feed him the junk food I bought.
We started off in the pool, and the whole time that I watched him act like one of the big boys, it made me wish that he would want to come home more and more. He was swimming like a champ, I really need to do that with him more often becuase he really enjoys swimming and the lessons have really paid off.
Then we went fishing and he caught his very first fish! It was such a surreal moment. I mean, I've taken him fishing before but we never caught anything. The first time we went he ended up knee-deep in sinking mud at the side of the Thames River. The second time I decided to play it safe and took him to a trout farm - and we still didn't catch anything. You should have seen the look on his face...it was priceless.
Saturday, July 25, 2009
I looked forward to a weekend which would not include the following in my vocabulary:
- Don't touch that
- Leave it
- Wash your hands
- Wash your face
- Wipe your feet
- Get your fingers out of your mouth
- Stop eating that
- No licking
- Pick up your Hot Wheels
- Put it away
- Ear wax is not a garnish
...just to name a few.
After last night, I am sort of regretting my decision. The house was quiet, way too quiet. I haven't said a word since my friend dropped me off last night at 8:30pm so I am wondering if my voice actually works. Last night was rough. Not having that little body sneak into my bed and kick me repeatedly was just weird and by 2:30 I couldn't handle it anymore - I needed to be kicked!
I tried to get some more sleep, but it just wasn't happening so I decided to go on Twitter for a bit and then I heard a noise that sounded suspiciously like a burglar so I decided to stay awake until the sun came up at 6:30. The last time I stayed awake until the sun came up was the time I was at my grandma's house and I swear I saw Freddy Krueger under her bed...claw and all. You try sleeping after seeing that!
So it is now noon, I am still in my
pyjamas underwear and thinking of getting into a hardcore game of Sims 3 to pass the time of being alone - until I hear a burglar and start hiding kitchen knives around the house.
PPS - Burglars beware, I am now hiding knives.
Thursday, July 23, 2009
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
- Keep your doors locked, even when you are at home. I can't stress this enough. One time when R. was still alive, I left the door unlocked and a drunk bum came into our kitchen. R. and his brother threw him out "Jazz Style". If this would have happened with me being alone, I would have had to let him move in and would have probably nicknamed him Fred or something because I am totally not good at throwing out bums.
- Record the make, model, and serial number of valuables and keep the records in a safe place. - I loved this tip. Kind of like the one time I got burgled and they left a Vanity Fair magazine on my kitchen counter. The burglars stole my autographed OLP cd and I was pissed because it totally took me two meetings of OLP to get all of their signatures. Now whenever I see that CD in a thrift store I check to see if it was signed because I want it back.
- Have keys ready and in your hand for immediate use when you return home. - I just want to add to this and say that it's probably so you can stab people with your keys. Just sayin.
- That is, make it seem difficult to a burglar. If he/she perceives it as difficult to enter to enter, the chances are that he/she will try somewhere else. -This means you should have some thorny bushes or like poison ivy (or oak..you choose) around your windows so if they try to enter they will get hurt - hopefully badly. Roses are a good choice...or cactii if you live in such a climate.
Tuesday, July 21, 2009
Yes, you read that correctly, he proposed on a huge sand hill. Which got me thinking, marriage proposal ideas must be getting pretty scarce because even to me that doesn't sound that out there. In fact, I think it may have been done already.
You have the billboard proposals, the scoreboard proposals at a sports game or event, the shaving "will you marry me" into your head, sky diving, writing it in sand, at a fancy restaurant, at a not-so-fancy restaurant, during sex, not during sex...you get it, right? I mean these have all been done before. Go ahead and think of the craziest marriage proposal that you can and I'm pretty sure it's been done which means guys (and sometimes girls!) are under a lot of pressure to come up with that perfect marriage proposal...and I'm sure it's hard!
Maybe some of you don't mind not having your own ideas, in that case, I have done all the hard work for you to come up with a few ideas for your marriage proposal:
Twitter proposals are hot.
Sunday, July 19, 2009
Saturday, July 18, 2009
Friday, July 17, 2009
Thursday, July 16, 2009
I was under the impression that the big fuzzy bees could not sting. Imagine that, 28 years old and for this long I always thought these guys were too fat to sting (no, I am not lying). As it turns out, apparently they can sting and if I had of known that before I started taking these pictures, I probably would have ran away screaming as I do any other time I see a bee. Luckily these guys were much too busy drinking their pollen (or as it looked to me, humping the flowers).
I've never been stung by a bee...ever. I think that's why I'm so afraid of them, because I just don't know what it feels like, and that scares me. Kind of like having a baby, I actually don't really know what that feels like even though I have one. I was higher than a freakin kite *ahem* anywayyyyy....things that I have never experienced before scare me. Bees are scary.
1. There are tons of nerve endings ...
… in your lips (100 times more than in your fingertips!) that stimulate desire.
2. In parts of Japan, Siberia and among the Eskimo culture...
... rubbing noses was, until modern times, the only kind of kissing that went on.
3. To make kissing more palatable, young maids would carry a clove-studded apple when courting, exchanging a bite for a kiss...
... The apple helped to clean the suitor's teeth and the cloves to sweeten his breath.
4. when seeing a woman a man is attracted to...
... a man's saliva fills with the male hormone testosterone. It passes some of those hormones on to the female, making her more in the mood for love.
5. Men initiate open-mouth kissing to transfer ...
… libido-boosting testosterone to their partner. So when he's getting a little more aggressive, it's not just about his desire — he wants you to be a bit more amorous too.
6. Men are more than twice as likely ...
… to sleep with a bad kisser than are women.
7. Fifty-four percent of women ...
… between the ages of 18 and 24 say they've kissed another girl. That number drops to 43 percent for those between 25 and 34.
8. During the Middle Ages, people signed legal contracts ...
… by making an "X" on the document and then kissing it to pledge their honor. That's how XX became shorthand for a smooch.
Wednesday, July 15, 2009
I need a break. Seriously, I am here waving the white flag, throwing in the towel or what have you, I give up! He won. The fat lady sang a beautiful song - I am a terrible mother.
I just want to know what happened to my sweet little boy. The one who cried because someone at school called him a baby. This same child is now not listening to a word I say to him, kicking, punching and screamed and yelled at 11pm because I wouldn't get him a chicken burger. A friggin CHICKEN BURGER? For realz dude?
I personally think screaming for a chicken burger is a sign of the devil, but apparently these are the things I do wrong (according to grandma #1 and #2)
- He is acting out because you buy him too many toys
- He screams at the top of his lungs over a chicken burger because you have to be more firm with him.
- He defies everything you say because you didn't buy him a puppy.
- He leaves his dirty underwear laying around because he doesn't have a man in his life to yell at him.
- He gives you a hard time every morning because you don't spend enough time with him.
- He kicks you because you didn't do the safety pin trick where you poke the kids with a pin when they are bad.
Unless it involves holy water and a priest, I think I'll stick to modern times and yell and scream back at him until he is embarassed...and while I'm at it, maybe I'll embarass him in front of his little friends. Who am I kidding? Nothing works, my child is broken!
And this, my friends, is one of the downfalls of being a "single parent" (I hate that term so much!). I am always the bad guy - always! In fact, I'm working on develping an evil laugh and evil person costume. Now I just need an evil name....
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
*Disclaimer: If you read my blog and comment I probably won't punch you...ever :)
PS - Don't make fun of my Lisa Simpson-esque spiky hair...or I will punch you!
PPS - Don't make fun of my voice, I have a voice problem, I think I yell too much, anyway just don't make fun of me...ever...or I will punch you and then cry and call my mom.
Monday, July 13, 2009
Sunday, July 12, 2009
Saturday, July 11, 2009
It was his.
The intention is to pass it on to our son, at this time much too dangerous, what with the hooks and matches and other things I had planned to remove as they were not appropriate for a boy of a such a young age.
But I didn't.
The pack of matches, half extinguished. The prescription pill bottle filled with fish hooks of various sizes. The gadget that has many uses, opened so the knife is ready, most likely to cut up fish, but I will never know.
Everything has its place, and it was never mine to tell exactly what place it belonged. It was his.
Of everything we kept, this always comes to mind as being the most valued, because it is him.
The fishing gadgets.
He chose all of those himself. He chose them and he decided to put them in this little box. He knew where they belonged, had a place for everything.
I can open this box anytime and think of him.
I just hope that he can appreciate this as much as I do.
....honestly he really did like it! He was just sleepy because I was too anxious to wait until he was fully awake. I was worried he would be uncomfortable with the fishing line so I built him a harness out of toilet paper and double-sided tape...voila! Saturday afternoon entertainment!
Friday, July 10, 2009
If you follow me on Twitter, you would have noticed that this afternoon I was very busy conducting some scientific experiments on my iPhone.
Long story short, a list of items that would let you use the touch screen on the iPhone was conducted and the results were very interesting:
Orange (as tested previously) - Yes
Cherry - Yes
Pear - Yes (with difficulty)
Little rubber finger tip thingy - No
Freezie (frozen) - No
Freezie (melted) - Yes
Roxy's paw - Yes
Tongue (thanks Karolijn!) - Yes
(if you are super nerdy or just want to know how it works, check out this article!)
...and then when I got home, the best experiment of them all:
Hamster - YES!!!
Hamsters could rule the world with this kind of technology, that is if they didn't have brains the size of a tic-tac. You know what, I take that back, Junior is pretty smart. One time he escaped and I was building a booby trap (via staircase made of old VHS movies) in the basement to catch him and just as I was putting up the final step, I looked up and he was watching me build the stairs!
Actually I take that back again, I had a hamster (who oddly enough looked identical to Junior) when I was in grade 7 and he went into the furnace grate thingy and died and was really smelly for a few days before we found him all puffed up.
Imagine hamsters with little weapons or like zombie hamsters. Yeah zombie hamsters that come up out of the ground and start dancing to Thriller. Oh the possibilities are endless with hamsters.
I think I will now make this a a hamster blog. It will be fun.
Monday, July 6, 2009
Sunday, July 5, 2009
Check out Cal's blog to see the translation of this video (too funny!!)
Thursday, July 2, 2009
- ► 2013 ( 31 )
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- If I could turn back time...
- Wordless Wednesday: July 29, 2009
- Lonely cart..
- Catch of the day...
- How "Scotty" Makes My Life a Living Hell...
- Pilates are the devil, but it keeps you out of Dep...
- Hobos, Strangers and Burglars (oh my!)
- Wordless Wednesday: July 22, 2009
- Marriage Proposals...
- The backpack
- Wither I'm a Flower
- Picked up some men!
- Sometimes even Batman needs to take a nap!
- The post where I say cryptic 13 times...
- Three Bees, One Flower...
- This kiss...
- Perhaps you might know an exorcist that could help...
- Let's vlog laundry, okay?
- Justin Timberlake, this is where I laugh in your f...
- The tackle box...
- Move over Elton John...
- Cats are insane....
- Even a hamster can use an iPhone!
- Well at least one of us got a new Beetle!
- Giving mom a heart attack
- Being domestified...
- I know how you feel...
- These Eyes..
- Happy Canada Day
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