Tuesday, November 3, 2009
This post is dedicated to my sister who asked to me write a blog post. I'm that easy people, you ask and I will dedicate a post to you.
Today I ran into a few "characters" who seemed overly helpful to me. It was really quite a strange day because usually I rant and rave about those not-so-helpfuls.
The first case of the overly helpfuls came in the form of an old lady in a PT Cruiser. I had just pulled into the daycare/retirement home parking lot, when I noticed this older lady stomping towards my car. She looked angry. Her arms were stiff at her side and I swore they were clenched into fists.
I wondered what I had done to piss her off. Did I cut her off while driving? No. Did I give her the finger? No. Did I yell out the window that she was not hot? No. I couldn't think of anything I had done to make this woman angry. As she got closer, I sighed and shook my head. I shakily raised my now clenched fists and thought to myself, well if she wants to throw down a fisticus right here in the old people/daycare parking lot then I have a Mike and a Tyson right here waiting to punch on her old face. My kid was in the back seat, oh well he could join in and bite her ankle or something.
I stepped out of the car and faced my angry guest, and I could have swore I heard that song from that old Western movie. The old lady flailed her old arms and went on and on about me not having brake lights or something to that extent. I was too busy trying not to laugh at that Western song that was playing over and over in my head.
Then I realized, OhmygodIdon'thavebrakelights???? She must've seen I was insane and turned and left, stomping away. I dropped the kid off at the daycare and drove my death-mobile to the mechanic. The whole time worrying about my vacant brake lights. Then wouldn't ya know it, all of a sudden a police man was driving behind me. I was convinced that I was about to be pulled over, but he soon got tired of me driving right on 50 and sped around me. I had no brake lights, how did he not pull me over???
I pulled into the mechanic where we soon realized that I did in fact have brake lights, the only one that was burn out was the little bar one at the top. The overly helpful lady was WRONG. So because of her "helpfulness" I was a half an hour late for work. If she had said it was the bar one at the top that was out, I would have waited until the end of the day, but no...she decided to be all Frantic Fran on my head and made me panic about my stupid brake lights.
Fast forward to the end of my work day. For some reason at 4:15 I filled up a giant glass of water. Not remembering that I was leaving in 15 minutes anyway, I laughed like a Hillbilly for 10 minutes and dared my office mate to bet that I couldn't drink the whole big glass in 5 minutes. She reluctantly agreed and I drank that entire glass down and laughed like a hillbilly all the way out of the office. In fact, I think I still laughed like that until I got to Mason's daycare. I even laughed while we were at the Goodwill looking for skate laces (Mason's class is going skating tomorrow and the lace on his skates was broken).
Who would have known that the Goodwill doesn't carry skate laces? (duh) As we were searching through people's old underwear and mountains of Tupperware and velvet paintings of creepy clowns, the feeling of urinary urgency hit me...badly. The bathroom in the Goodwill is not one I would ever like to use. Ever. That is where the hobos go to do their dookies and drugs, trust me, I've seen them go in there and one time when I really had to go I saw the paraphernalia they left behind so I speak from experience, yo!
I had to go pee - badly, but it was holdable. I grimaced as I remembered myself laughing like a hillbilly over that glass of water. We still needed skate laces though, so I thought it was a good idea to run over to the sports store to get the laces and then go home to pee.
We got to the sports store, Mason's door didn't shut properly in the car which left the light on, but I didn't care because I had to go pee so badly at this point, I just wanted to get in and out of the store. We ran over to the laces and were greeted by a gigantic wall of laces. I have never seen anything like it in my entire life. Skate laces, hundreds upon hundreds of pairs of laces. Different sizes, colours, textures, waxed and not waxed. Incredible. I picked up the cheapest pair I could find and we went to leave the wall of laces.
Just as I turned around I was greeted by overly helpful person #2.
OH: "Did you find what you were looking for"
Me: "Yep. I think so *waving box of laces*"
OH: "Oh, what size are the skates you are buying them for?"
Me: "Ummm...I think 13"
Overly helpful man then goes to his little skate lace chart where he looks up the proper lace size, the whole time I'm crossing my legs, wondering if physically holding my crotch will keep me from urinating myself.
OH: "Well you're gonna want to get a 72, and they come in waxed or not waxed. I really recommend the waxed because they are easier to tie. That's a nice colour you picked out there. What kind of skates does the boy have? Do you need to buy any protectors"
OH: Did you know we do skate sharpening for $5, well unless you want the other angle sharpened then it's $7 but unless he's playing professional you could just do the $5 sharpen or you could join or club and it will be $3...
Me: No thank you
OH: It's a really good deal, you see they sharpen the blade so it's on an angle so it helps for the professionals and to skate faster, I'm not sure he would need all that though for his level.
Me: No he's okay.
OH: If you need anything I will be over here
At that point I was rushing to the cash register to pay for the first box of laces that I had picked up. I came pretty close to pissing my pants in that store today. I probably could have used their bathroom in the store, but it looked like one of those bathrooms where the employees go to masturbate when the store is not busy (which it wasn't) so I didn't want to interrupt anybody in there.
Tomorrow, I promise, I will go back to complaining about people who are lazy ingrates who pick their noses in their car and eat it while cutting me off or driving right up my ass. Promise.
at 12:55 AM
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