Archive Mondays: May 18, 2004


I was so angry.  I didn't do anything about it and now I am alone.  This very well could have been one of my first mistakes. Sitting around, watching it happen.  Getting angry but not acting on it.  It took me a long time to get over that.  I'm still not over that.

I'm so confused with R. sometimes. One minute I can't stand him...well of course I can stand him, he's the father of my child, but sometimes I just....fall out of love with him. The next minute, I can't ever see myself living without him.

Today he saw I was feeling a little down and took Mason out so I could get a break. He asked me what was wrong a million times but I really don't want to tell him how worried I am about money and the fact that he is dying. How can I live without him? I really can't raise Mason by myself, I don't know what to do! I don't know anything about boys...I don't know how to teach him to pee standing up, I don't know how to teach him to know how hard it is to find someone who will take in a woman with a child? Right now I have no job, no life without R. What was I thinking getting pregnant by a man who has cancer?

The last time we went to the doctor, the doctor was a real prick, he felt his neck for lumps, said he didn't feel any and said he'd see him in 3 months. Well I can see lumps, dammit! Just because that doctor doesn't like us, he doesn't want to see us for more than 2 minutes. The social worker said there was nothing more they could do for him, just chemotherapy to make him comfortable. Isn't that fucked up? Chemotherapy to make you comfortable...chemo makes people feel like shit!

I've been putting what she said in the back of my mind but the other night it hit me like a ton of bricks, I'm going to be alone. I don't know when, could be weeks, months, years...who knows. I think that's what scares me the most...I could find him dead one day. I could wake up in the middle of the night and find my boyfriend dead beside me in bed. I don't think I'm ready for this...but how can you ever prepare yourself for that?

I want him to go see another doctor. I want him to go for a bone marrow transplant again. I want him to get chemotherapy and get better so he can see his son grow up...but I guess it all boils down to what they think is best. I know waiting until the cancer gets worse is not going to do us any good, but they won't even see us for another 2 months...I'm demanding another appointment

I guess that's my downer post of the day...pretty bad I can't tell anybody in real life how I'm feeling, I think I may need some kind of help because feeling like this is not okay.

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