A trip to the ER...

You know when you watch shows like ER and Grey's Anatomy and there is some ridiculous story line. Kind of like the story where "Little Billy's coach was beating him up and he ended up in the hospital with a broken arm and then his mom shows up and she's a crack ho and then they find out that the mom has cancer and only has two hours to live" and you think to yourself, that is CRAZY. That never happens. Well let me tell you, that kind of stuff does happen to people....people like me (except for the whole crack ho part *nervous laugh*).

The morning started like any other, Sunday morning, sort of easy like (I bet you have that song in your head now...). Me hangin on my couch catching up on America's Next Top Model in my big furry pyjama bottoms that have a hole in the crotchular area, non-showered and smelly oh and my big ugly glasses on my face. Mason on the floor playing with the devil hamster and then the next thing I remember he is up screaming and jumping around crying about being bit by the devil hamster. The way he was dancing and screaming was sort of amusing so I did what any good mother does, I laughed.

Until I decided laughing was not appropriate, and I should probably go get him a bandaid and some Polysporin for his devil wound. When I came around the corner of the bathroom I almost fainted. There was blood, squiring out of my child's finger. I'm not exagerating this at all...I saw the finger and him running it under water and when he took it out of the stream of water it squirted out like a water gun...only like gun of blood. Lots of blood.

So then I freaked out and in turn Mason freaked out and then my mom freaked out. Which ended up with people rushing around, one of three bleeding all over my newest Avon magazine, my computer monitor, my "He's Just Not That Into You" DVD and apparently my fuzzy purple pyjama bottoms. Then somehow amongst all that freaking out and bleeding we ended up at the ER with Mason's finger being held tightly in my favourite fall hand towel, me with matted hair, purple fuzzy pyjamas with "air-conditioning" and Mason with egg sandwich still mucked all over his face.

My poor Avon magazine, which Mason has now turned into a "beware of hamster" sign got a little messed up.

Then we waited. Waited while the reception nurses talked about their breaks, talked about their schedule and likely were wishing they were home with their families to eat some turkey. I was standing there, annoyed, thinking how my child's finger was bleeding to death, that he probably had some crazy hamster zombie disease and all these bitches could do was talk about their schedules. So I had to be the annoying mother. The one who "politely" interrupts to inform these workers that my child has a blood-squirting finger.

Then to triage where the very nice nurses spoke to me by asking my son questions, which was strange, but it was probably because I looked like the crack ho who had cancer and they didn't want to deal with me on a day where they were dreaming about turkeys and their family and stuffing....ohh yes stuffing. When they removed my dish towel, my favourite fall dish towel with the pumpkin on it (thanks mom for not grabbing an ugly one!) his finger wasn't bleeding. Like not even a bit. Then I felt stupid and sort of like a crack ho and I wanted to run away like Napoleon Dynamite.

But we stayed.

Because I was afraid of devil hamster disease and I was afraid that it would start squirting again if he pointed his finger the wrong way or bent it.

and we waited.

and while we waited, I went into the restroom to wash my blood stained hands and try to make myself un-stinky and presentable in case Dr. Luka Kovac happened to be on duty at this particular ER.

My blood-stained hand
Then we waited some more.
and I tweeted.

and called the other grandma, but didn't leave a message because I knew she would freak out and be on her way there on her scooter that goes 150km/hour.

for a finger.

that wasn't even bleeding anymore.

and again, I felt stupid.

but I was scared.

Then I thought about that movie "Adventures in Babysitting" where the one kid gets stabbed in the foot and goes to the hospital and the doctor gives him one stitch.

More waiting.

Then we played "I spy" and "Simon Says" and then we played a mixture of the two games together, that didn't turn out so well. Then I listened to other people's problems through the curtains.
Because I'm nosy like that.
I listened in about the boy with the broken foot two curtains down, and the older girl with the mystery disease who was not very helpful in diagnosing her problems. It kind of went like this:
Doctor: Do you run?
Girl: Yes.
Doctor: Did you have shortness of breath when you were running before?
Girl: I don't run!
It was awkward, and kind of annoying because I felt stupid and I wanted to go home, as did my child who was tired of playing "I Spy Simon Says".

Then it was our turn.
oh crap it was a Dr. Luka.
and he didn't even smirk when he found out it was a hamster bite, he was so professional, he acted as if he looks at punctured hamster bites every single day and then goes to the cafeteria to eat rice pudding and whipped cream, he totally looked like that type. He did ask me if it was a hamster that lived indoors (uhhh...do hamsters live outside ever?) and asked Mason if he was skipping school today (it's Sunday). I think perhaps he was tired. As residents usually are.
So we ended up with an official diagnosis of puncture wound. So even though it doesn't look like much, it actually goes very deep into his finger. Because it was a hamster bite, the wound could not be closed up by stitching (probably just one stitch!) because if there is any infection in the wound it would then be trapped in and they don't want that to happen.

So we went with a thorough cleaning. Which was painful to watch and took a really long time of squirting "special water" slowly into the wound. Because it took a long time, I figured now was the time to crack a hamster joke - no, too soon, so I asked the resident if they get many hamster bites in the ER. Surprisingly this was his first. I'm sure he couldn't wait for us to leave so he could crack a joke about hamster bites to all his resident friends, like they do on Grey's Anatomy, only this time it wasn't an action figure shoved up someone's anus, it was a kid with a hamster bite. So probably not as funny but probably a lot more common than an action figure up the anus (I hope).

So the ordeal is over, my child still has his finger and he is resting comfortably. By resting I mean jumping from couch-to-couch and screeching like a bat. I think he might have hamster zombie disease after all.

PS - Check out this amazing Adventures in Babysitting video that someone made on YouTube!

PPS - Just kidding. That was pretty much horrible.

PPPS - If you made that or like it I'm sorry, but it really was a little bit terrible.

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Hello..this is my blog. I bought this fancy theme and I don't know what to write here just yet. Maybe one day remind me I have to write something inspiring here?

4 comments:

  1. Everytime "we" wind up in the ER, there is some weird person who either has plumbing problems or this one time didn't know they were pregnant despite being in labor and she didn't speak a lick of English.

    Glad to hear he's okay!

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  2. I had an outdoor hamster but he got eaten by an owl.

    That's a lie actually, but it would be kinda funny.

    I'm glad Mason's okay. I'm still surprised that a hamster could do so much damage.

    And OMG, Adventures in Babysitting used to be my favourite movie ever.

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  3. whoa really? I want to get a job there! Except when freaks like me come in with hamster bites...I'm a pain in the ass to deal with when I'm panicky ;)

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  4. I was totally surprised the hamster did that much damage...in fact confession: I was laughing right after it happened until I checked on him in the bathroom (luckily only a minute later).

    I can't believe you loved Adventures in Babysitting too!?!? My favourite part: when Brenda is at the bus station in the phone booth and the homeless guy is yelling at her to get out of his home and then she kicks his crap out and says "YOU JUST MOVED" ...classic! Oh and the tow truck driver? I loved that guy so much (even though he might have been a murderer?)

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