Aw shucks, a post about ducks!

I have never really been a fan of ducks. I absolutely despised Donald Duck for all the rotten things he did to Mickey. Scrooge McDuck was a miserable prick too. Maybe that has something to do with it, the ducks usually end up as the bad guy or just fugly and gross. I mean feathers? Ew! My son is allergic to feathers, probably from his mother's hatred of ducks.

There was a time long ago when I actually liked ducks. My niece had a pet duck and when she brought it home it was a cute little fuzzy thing...all yellow and ducky. I loved that duck, until it got older and it crapped every time it quacked. Then there was the time that I babysat it and it attacked me and bit me like five times in one day because the thing was insane. I know, I babysat a duck. I didn't say I was sane all the time.

And although I hate ducks, I love animals. I love to save animals from certain death, even if they are little mice with no fur, because I love animals, and yes that includes ducks if they are in need of help, but otherwise I don't love them because they stink and they are creepy. Oh except for snakes, I don't like snakes, or scorpions, scorpions should all die like right now, except for the band Scorpions because "Rock You Like a Hurricane" was a pretty kickass song back in the day, so they are excused from sudden death, scorpion insects however are not.

So what I was getting at is that I used to like to feed ducks because I felt like I was saving their creepy little beings by feeding them. I liked how they would come to me and fight each other like a bunch of UFC fighters to get a morsel of my bread crusts that I don't eat. Then the geese would come and it would be a big giant riot of feathered creatures fighting for my food, but to me I was saving them all by offering the bread that I did not want (because I don't like bread anyway).

Then come to find out, feeding ducks bread is bad. Ducks Unlimited Canada says:

10. I’ve heard that feeding ducks bread is bad. What should I feed

DUC does not recommend feeding ducks. It increases the chances of
negative human/wildlife encounters, reduces the ducks’ foraging instincts
and can make them dependent on people for food.
Which was news to me because I always thought the main reason for not feeding ducks bread was that their stomachs would burst because the bread would make them all bloaty and stuff.

Last night I met a gang of ducks who were not friendly at all. I think their gang was called "Beaks" and if they had bandannas they would have been orange because it would have matched their beaks. They don't have bandannas though because they don't have pants to go into a store and buy bandannas - or cash, they don't have cash, they would have to put it on their bills! Haha, get it? Their bills? It's so much funnier in my head!

So this gang of ducks definitely ruled the park. They were like all up in these old ladies faces getting their old hamburger buns and eating them like, well like a pack of rabid smelly ducks. We were watching them, and the ladies shared their buns with M. to throw in to the duck gang, you know, to prove we were worthy of their presence, and then this happened....

(I shall warn you, you may want to turn down your speakers as my screaming is just disturbing - very disturbing).

The friggin ducks wanted more bread so they flew all up in my face and tried to eat me!! They are SO aggressive!! They were flying out like those monkeys in the Wizard of Oz jumping out of the window!

So then people laughed at me, but like I was totally scared and just trying to be brave, but those ducks are in-freaking-sane. Stop feeding them. Let them eat their own poop and tree bark for all I care. Ducks are jerks.

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  1. hahahaa....awww.. you poor thing. Toddler loves feeding the ducks, what can I say, he's a caring kind of guy. But we're going to stop... actually after what happened to you, we're going to avoid ducks all together.