Shove it Toucan Sam... (an open letter to Kelloggs)

Dear Kelloggs,


I was watching YTV with my son yesterday afternoon, one of those mindless shows about anime people who use a deck of playing cards as a means to cut off each others heads...at least that's what I think they were doing anyway. I mean, we usually try to watch stations with no commercials because I am so tired of explaining to him that he cannot have that toy, no Cinnamon Toast Crunch Squares cannot come to life and eat another Cinnamon Toast Crunch and that any album that comes out in 2009 featuring "Please Don't Stop The Music by Rihanna" is not worth the $20 they soak you for at Wal-Mart. Since it was a Saturday afternoon, I figured we would have a little treat and watch some real TV, and besides I am at the point now if I have to hear Ruby's voice shrieking at Max again, some hair loss will be involved.


But we're getting off topic here, my real problem is Toucan Sam. Yes, you're beloved blue-feathered, rainbow-beaked superstar who has tormented me for years and it has to stop! I have forgiven him for the time he painted my son's face at Wal-Mart. The face painting was supposed to be a replica of himself - but as you can see it turned out looking like Bozo the Clown (on crack):


Which as you can see, wasn't very successful, but we forgave you, and we even bought your cereal (when it went on sale). My problem is not face paint that wouldn't even wipe off with a Lysol wipe, my problem is your beloved cereal crusader who cannot keep his shit together and keeps getting himself, and those three innocent nephews into trouble. While we are on the subject of nephews, what is it with bird families? Is the proper thing to do, drop your birdlings off with their rich (I can only assume Toucan Sam is rich because he has been on TV for numerous years) uncles (DuckTales - Hellooo!).


So anyway, these commercials (which an example can be viewed here) always end up with Toucan Sam and his dumb ass (orphaned) nephews in some sort of trouble. This most recent one had the flock up in a pirate ship on the top of a mountain. Then an announcer comes on and says "to save Toucan Sam and his nephews go to toucansam.com". So I did, I went to save the flippin birds from certain death, PETA would be so proud of me!


I went there and I was faced with a Toucan Sam version of Frogger - only like on expert, expert level, and let me tell you, I couldn't save Toucan Sam or his dumb ass nephews. Why don't their parents come to save them - better yet, they are birds, why not just fly away? FLY AWAY TOUCAN SAM!!!


I have been haunted for years and years by these commercials to save Toucan Sam, and it has to stop! Why does this guy keep getting himself into trouble with those birdlings, it's messed up! I think we need to ditch the toucan and get a real animal to represent Fruit Loops! Something like Bruno the Bear who claws his way through a pool of alligators that have poison dart heads and piranha sidekicks, or like He-Man. He-Man would never get stuck on a boat on top of a mountain...or David Duchovny. Yeah, David Duchovny is a great idea. Then we can change the name to David Duchovny loops and we could change the smell of them so they wouldn't smell like a baby's diaper full of pee first thing in the morning.


Just giving you some ideas, free of charge, because I am a nice person and a concerned citizen and I care for the children of the world - and for the alligators with poison darts, their sidekick piranhas and David Duchovny. I am so caring and I only yelled "go back inside and make me my Corn Flakes" one time, just once, even though I drove by them every single day. Okay maybe twice -but it was so funny! ...guess you had to be there...wait you probably were!


So because I am so caring, please take my advice and let's retire Toucan Sam and send his nephews to a rehab centre for child stars, because I care a lot about toucans, and David Duchovny.

Sincerely,

EVILFLU

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Hello..this is my blog. I bought this fancy theme and I don't know what to write here just yet. Maybe one day remind me I have to write something inspiring here?

5 comments:

  1. Oh great, now I'll have the Ducktales theme song stuck in my head for three weeks. Again.

    I'm totally playing the game now. I got past the frogger part where you deliver the donut looking thing. Now there's an octopus that's clearly on drugs dealing cards. I think they really will need rehab soon.

    I don't think I'd buy Duchovney food though. Why would I want to eat Mulder?

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  2. I will remember this EVERY TIME I see a box of fruit loops now.

    You've corrupted me and all your advid readers...LOL

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  3. Phronk - 1) Do you think Ducktales and Darkwing Duck were related...like at all, because I'm just feelin that vibe!
    2) You are totally my hero for getting further than I did in the game...I never even made it to the donut, which I only assume is a Fruit Loop but totally looks like a donut.

    Carol Beware of the Fruit Loops! They smell like baby pee and by eating them you assume the role of hero to Toucan Sam and his nephews

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  4. They were totally related! That Launchpad dude was in both shows, so they take place in the same universe. I used to love Darkwing Duck so much...I thought I was the only one who watched it.

    Oh and I think the donut was supposed to be a whole bowl of fruit loops but it totally looked like a donut.

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  5. OMG I forgot all about Launchpad!! I had the Disney VHS of Ducktales and I used to tell my friends it was worth hundreds of dollars because it was so rare (it wasn't!). I totally thought it was worth big $$$ tho! ;)

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