Hobos, Strangers and Burglars (oh my!)

When I was 20, I had no worries in the world (ohhh to be 20 again!). That would be the 15th time I've said that this week if anybody happen to be keeping track of that or anything. Anyway, being 20, I was careless, I was invincible and burglars didn't scare me because I had my boyfriend and his pitbull to protect me (even though I hated that dog....so sorry but I did!).

Don't get me wrong, I can put up a pretty good fight, after all I did get my red belt in karate but quit when I kicked my dad in the nuts and he got mad and grounded me. It was like "oh hey honey, what did you learn today at that over-priced karate I am sending you to?" *wham* right in the crotch. I was good at karate! Oh wait, actually I quit when I grew boobies, but still kicking dad was pretty cool too so I thought I would mention that *waves*.

Anyway, as I was saying, I was a tough chick. I never had to use my toughness...why? Because I was 20 and it was super-awesome and I was cool and I had a dog that was mean and smelly and a house with a boy who was all like crazy when people did mean shit to me. It was awesome...being 20 was cool...if I could do it again..ohhhh boy.

Argh, where was I, oh yeah so now that I'm old-ish and alone, I'm starting to notice that people get robbed a whole lot more. I mean, it's pretty crazy around here. You got boys beating up old ladies in the park for the candy on the bottom of their purse, skateboarding punks beating up skateboarding punks for god knows what they might have of value, and even little kids are getting involved in this lifestyle of looting by stealing Bakugans from other kids baskets in the coat room at daycare (don't I know this one first hand...*roll eyes*)

We've got losers murdering little girls, men murdering each other - execution style, rich kids robbing each other for their iPods. Let's face it, this city is a sick, sick place, only I didn't see any of this when I was 20 (because life was so awesome...etc etc!).

This all really became so much more real for me when I ventured downtown alone a couple weekends ago. It was late, I decided I needed a chai latte badly, plus I was alone and bored so why not. It was all going great until I heard someone whisper from a bush "hey you, come here". I'm thinking, are you kidding me? This hobo is gonna try to rob me but is too lazy to come and get me so he's calling me over to the corner of a dark parking lot to a bush. Is this what crime has come to? For real? It really could have been an evil bush, but you can't fool me, I'm not 20 anymore! I mean it was kind of funny because it looked like a cartoon bush talking, but it was totally a hobo because I saw his cigarette glowing on the inside of the bush - which actually added humour to the evil bush theory.

Maybe it's because I am a mother now, I worry about my kid getting beaten up for his Bakugans or maybe even his shoes...who knows what kids are thinking these days. I worry about someone stealing him in the middle of the night, heck I even worry that another kid is going to be mean to him every morning when I drop him off at school - because that is what I do, every single morning it's like wake up - worry about burglars and scary losers.

I have even considered moving out into the country, but there are even weirdos there, and the weirdos there are even weirder because they have wood chippers and leather masks (hello...try watching Jeepers Creepers!).

So for now, I will remain in this city of criminals and lunatics, munching on my Prozac and sleeping with kitchen knives because you totally never know who is going to be creeping around.

...and because I am such a nice person and I honestly love you all so much, I have decided to share some tips with you to keep the burglars away:

  • Keep your doors locked, even when you are at home. I can't stress this enough. One time when R. was still alive, I left the door unlocked and a drunk bum came into our kitchen. R. and his brother threw him out "Jazz Style". If this would have happened with me being alone, I would have had to let him move in and would have probably nicknamed him Fred or something because I am totally not good at throwing out bums.

  • Record the make, model, and serial number of valuables and keep the records in a safe place. - I loved this tip. Kind of like the one time I got burgled and they left a Vanity Fair magazine on my kitchen counter. The burglars stole my autographed OLP cd and I was pissed because it totally took me two meetings of OLP to get all of their signatures. Now whenever I see that CD in a thrift store I check to see if it was signed because I want it back.

  • Have keys ready and in your hand for immediate use when you return home. - I just want to add to this and say that it's probably so you can stab people with your keys. Just sayin.

  • That is, make it seem difficult to a burglar. If he/she perceives it as difficult to enter to enter, the chances are that he/she will try somewhere else. -This means you should have some thorny bushes or like poison ivy (or oak..you choose) around your windows so if they try to enter they will get hurt - hopefully badly. Roses are a good choice...or cactii if you live in such a climate.
..of course there are many more that you can read about at this totally awesome burglar site. Stay safe internet peeps!

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Hello..this is my blog. I bought this fancy theme and I don't know what to write here just yet. Maybe one day remind me I have to write something inspiring here?


  1. There's 25% more life in St. Thomas.

    We'd be glad to have you.