The Girly Girl's Guide to Mowing the Grass...

Mowing the lawn was a huge accomplishment for me. Before mowing the lawn there were probably tears shed over this very subject. Tears people...over the grass. I know...don't laugh.

R. died in the early spring, the grass hadn't started to grow that year yet...or maybe it had and I just didn't notice, either way, the grass was not on my mind. Shortly after he passed away, the grass just seemed to grow and grow. It grew to the point where it was up to my knees. I ended up begging my neighbour across the street (who was a landscaper) to come and cut my lawn for me. That went well, until one time he wanted to be paid with a make-out session, which ended up with his lips smooshed into my storm door - true story. Eventually I ended up stalking kids mowing their lawns for their parents and paying them to cut my grass because I was so incapable of doing so.

So it was a little extreme, the problem was, I was terrified of the lawnmower. The warning stickers all over it, the gas, the oil, the spark plugs, the blades...scary stuff! We all know what can happen in lawnmower accidents. The lawnmower is almost always covered in some sort of hairy arachnoid, so that may be the reason as well....or it may also stem back to my childhood. One time my parents forced me to "rake the lawn". Well I guess I got a little "rough" with the grass and ended up with a lawn full of dirt...I had raked the grass right out of the ground. I think that is what made my parents separate because soon after that my dad moved out and shortly after that we moved out (all the while no grass ever grew back). We did end up renting the house out so my dad bought that roll out grass (sod I guess it's called) and he rolled it out and went home, only to find out the tenants had rolled it back up and sold it to the guy down the street. Anyway, I'm getting off topic here. I'm afraid of lawn mowers. There, I said it. No other reason for not cutting the grass, other than I am terrified of lawn mowers.

I moved into this house two years ago, and it was great. The landlords would come and do all the gardening and lawn mowing once a week. Well I guess they got tired of doing my dirty work because eventually the backyard turned into the amazon and animals started pooping back there so I figured it was time to learn the lawnmower. I lugged that big hunk of junk out and pulled and pulled on that stupid string thingy to no avail, and I gave up. After a few more days of jungle-maddness, I decided I was going to win this battle...and I did, the mower started and cut a strip of lawn. I was so proud, but I couldn't get it started again, broke a nail and called the landlord to come and save me from jungle-maddness.

So you know how that old saying goes..."Teach a man to fish..." well the landlord taught me how to mow. Now I am a mowing champion. I can mow like crazy now, and I'm not even a teensy bit scared of the mower anymore. I thought this was some valuable info so now I am sharing it with you because I'm cool like that.

So first of all, you have to make sure your mower is gonna start. You know, before we look stupid getting all sweaty by pulling that rope thingy as hard as we possibly can, you have to make sure it has gas and know so you don't waste your time trying to start it and all.

The oil thingy is very clearly marked. I think you would probably need a funnel or something to get the oil into that little hole. I'm not sure what kind of oil is needed, I've never had to add any so...check with your owner's manual if you're stuck...or Google it...Google has the answer to everything. I always say, when in doubt - Google it!

Now the funny part is, when you open up that little oil cap thingy, you find this stick. Just like in my car, this oil stick tells you when you are getting low. See, in my car when the oil is getting low, I bring it to the mechanic or flirt with the Canadian Tire boys because I don't know how to put oil in. A car is a little different - the explosion would be a lot worse if I made a mistake - so for that kind of stuff I stick with the "pros" or the boys who just graduated from high school last week and got a rockin' job at Canadian Tire.

Still in maintenance mode, let's check our gas. This little cap has a gas tank on it..that means that is where the gas goes. Unlike a car, this piece of crapola doesn't have a gas gauge so you're pretty much in caveman mode here. Open cap. Look gas. Ok good.

So our next step is hugely important. I mean, you don't want to be pulling away on this thing, sweating your butt off for nothing right (trust me, you can't make that look sexy - ever).

See this little doo-hicky, it's the gas turner ony thingy and it must be turned to ON and I'm sure it's a good idea to turn it off when you're done - don't ask why, just 'cus. This little button confuses me, it says "FUEL SHUTOFF" (which I thought should be spelt shut off - anyway...) and you want it "On" to turn the thing on. Maybe mine is just defective, who knows!

Don't ask me what this thing is for, all I know is that it's a pain in the butt.
In order for the mower to start, this lever has to be in the middle, sometimes it has to be all the way down, either way, if it is all the way pointed up, the mower won't start so let's not even go there. Trust me, middle works the best.

I call this step pulling because there is a whole lot of pulling going on here in order to get this thing running.

First is this little handle bar thing. You see that skinny bar that just hangs there? It has to be pulled so it is touching the big bar, which is really hard if you have little girly hands, and it hurts too, but trust me, it feels good to finish mowing the lawn, the pain will eventually go away. Just remember, if you let go of this handle, the engine will stop - which I think is a safety feature or something so it's kind of cool, but also a huge pain in the butt when you have to pick up a stick or try to save a snail that is getting vibrated off your mower to meet his sudden death (yeah that totally happened today *sniff*)
Then you firmly grasp this puller thingy and pull as hard as you can. Sometimes it helps to pull it closer to the mower rather than away from it (I'm starting to think this should have been a video...). Very rarely will this work on the first try (unless you are Wonder Woman or something). You have to pull HARD. There is no sexy way to do this girls, it is tough work and if you don't do it properly it will hurt for a while so be careful!

So once you get this baby started, you have to go back to "STEP THREE" and adjust that mystery lever ever so slighly. If the engine starts to sputter and cut out stop playing with the lever and cut! When cutting, I always try to cut in a circle, which may or may not be totally wrong, but for me it works. Just line up your tire with the previous line and all is cool.

Also please remember while you are cutting to follow all warnings on your mower. It is not cool to run over rocks, big sticks, animals, your hand, your kids, bricks, poop or your shoe...not even for a second. I know it is tempting and all by try to refrain from it.

Share this:


Hello..this is my blog. I bought this fancy theme and I don't know what to write here just yet. Maybe one day remind me I have to write something inspiring here?


  1. That was an epic story 'True Tales From the Lawn' there anything better than seeing the rows when you are all finished? Gotta have that catch bag cause Big Daddy don't rake. I have a friend that has a diagonal pattern he follows but I am not so anal as to do that. You realize there is nothing you CAN'T do now if you got the lawn done.