But that is a thing of the past, and I do regret using the because, but you see when 88% of the questions out of his mouth are about cars and I do not even own a car, because just had to do for the times when I was too busy cooking dinner or cleaning Play-Doh out of the carpet.
It is time to fess up though, I have decided to list the things I would like to apologize to my 5 year old about...in no particular order.
- I am sorry that I laugh when you get your immunizations/needles/flu shot. - I swear I am sad right along with you...honest I am. The laughing, it's a nervous laugh, not even a real laugh. Although sometimes it is a little funny how you spaz out in the doctor's office.
- I am sorry that I take you to the cheapy hair salon - Especially after that one time when I took you to Zellers to get your hair cut and the "hairdresser" gave you the Billy Ray Cyrus special and kicked us out because you kicked her in the stomach. Maybe when you start enjoying having your hair cut then I will consider taking you to a salon, until then I wish you the best of luck with your $11 haircut.
- I am sorry that I donate all your Happy Meal toys to the Goodwill - I am just tired of you crying when they get broken (an hour after you get them usually) or when I step on one of those plastic Bionicle guys. To be fair, I do let you keep the cute Happy Meal toys that don't come with guns or noise.
- I am sorry that I never "let you do/see/get/watch ANYTHING...EVER" - I am sorry that you learned those phrases because they are pretty ridiculous. Just know that I never let you do/see/get/watch anything...ever because I am mean. Haven't you noticed that by now?
- I am sorry you are not allowed to invite the school bully to your birthday party - He's mean and I'm afraid of him.
- I am sorry I take so many pictures of you - It's a mom thing.
- I am sorry I use scare tactics to make you brush your teeth - It does work and it is partially true....you do get giant holes with worms crawling out of them if you don't brush your teeth. What's that? You've never heard of worms in the holes? That's because everybody we know brushes their teeth.
- I am sorry about that time I dropped you on your head - Kidding! But I am sorry for the time I dropped that bookshelf on your ankle. I bet that really hurt...sure looked like it did with all that blood and all. I honestly still feel bad everytime I see that bookshelf...but our DVDs look stellar on it don't they - so thank you for taking one for the team buddy!
- I am sorry for all those times I cried, didn't want to get out of bed for days, didn't get dressed, yelled out of pure frustration and wasn't myself - I realize it wasn't fair to you, what happened wasn't fair to either of us and I thank god that those days didn't mean anything to you and you still love me - the angry elf part of me and all.
- I am sorry I make you listen to Ryan Adams all the time - I know you prefer Twisted Sister and The Village People - but RA is awesome - I know you will understand that some day.
- I am sorry about every morning when I drag you out of bed to go to daycare when you really don't want to go - Sometimes I don't even want to go -but such is life...deal with it!
- I am sorry I make you put your cars away every night after you spend what seems like hours lining them up - I don't think they like to be lined up like that anyway - and I certainly don't like tripping over a line of cars so please continue picking them up.
- I am sorry I won't let you watch Family Guy - I don't even know why this is such an issue for you. That show is bad news, and really not all that funny if you watch it when you're not high. Not that I watch it high...not that I get high....just my opinion!
- I am sorry I am not a happier person - Sometimes I just hate being me. It has nothing to do with you.
- I am sorry for all the times I have made you move - Moving stinks, for everyone involved. I promise not to move you around as much from now on...unless absolutely necessary.