Dear Mason...

Although you definitely are cute when you sleep, urinating in my bed two nights in a row forcing me to use the ugly floral sheets is unacceptable!! Should you disobey this rule tonight, you shall consider yourself banished from my ugly floral bed. -mom

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Tuesday Toot

Today I only left 2 items on the couch when I got home.... This is huge for me!!

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The reason why all teenagers should get a job at McDonalds...

I witnessed something at McDonald's tonght that was 1)Mostly comical 2) Pretty brilliant.

I was getting our ketchup and straws and bundle of napkins (because you know just one can never come out alone) and I noticed a group of three teenagers standing listening to another one dictate a few rules of the trade at good old McDonalds.

Trainer Teen was telling the newbies to spray the condiment counter...3 times and then make sure you fold the towel into a neat square before you start wiping. I mean, I wouldn't have taken much notice of them had they not have been all staring at me while I squirted ketchup all over their counter (hey...I was nervous!). I also had to notice the trainer teen and the way he taught these kids. He couldn't have been much older than them himself. The thing that got me though was how much he reminded me of the guy from As Good As It Gets.

It was to the point where the napkin *had* to be folded a certain way (and he did make them practice) and they had to spray the counter not 2...but 3 times...and he counted and made them practice. It was beyond hilarious. It was actually a little creepy. Either this twerp was power-trippin big time or he actually had OCD.

At first I felt sorry for these teens, but the more I thought about it, the more I was compelled. My brother (bless his heart...love you bro!) came here with the cleaning skills of a babboon. I swear, he wouldn't know how to wipe the counter (or spray 3 times) or even how to sweep the floor...but he is learning and even though I wouldn't trust him to scrub the oven out at this point, he has come a very long way. If he would have been shipped off to work at McDonalds with this guy training, I am almost certain he would put the Molly in the Maid. So, when he comes home, I am going to suggest he think about starting a new career atMcDonalds where they will teach him to clean, and then he can come home and clean my counters with his neat little wash cloth and three sprays of cleaner.

As hard as I try....

To give him a somewhat "normal" life, it can just never be. I do understand that everybody's normal is different, and sometimes the normal I live is very comforting knowing that I am helping someone else that I love, I always go back to him and worry if I am doing things right. After all, it's just me. I set the bar, I make the rules and whatever I say goes.

I try to stay in the same house, I try to control who comes and goes from our lives and I try to keep his friends the same but as hard as I try there is always something that wants to fight me on my one simple rule of having a kick-ass mom.

Maybe change isn't such a bad thing, to me it was terrible. Growing up and getting used to what you have and then whoosh -gone. Which made it a lot harder for me to deal with when the major changes started happening a few years ago and ever since I have just been experiencing change after change and I just wonder how it affects his little mind. What does he really thing. I know he's a lot smarter and I can see it in his eyes when he is thinking things, but not saying how he feels.

Melancholy...maybe, but this all stemmed from him having to switch daycares again. I mean it's not so bad, by far not so bad, because he is just switching back to his old school...but it's not good either. It took me so long and I had a lot of emotions about him switching and now it's out of my control...and it's scary!

I only want the best for him...sometimes I wonder if he even cares what is happening, he's such a great, happy kid, but sometimes I look in his eyes and I just know there's something going on in that brain of his that he's just not telling me.

Let's talk Thursday nights...

Okay so picture it like this, some people have hockey season, some people have baseball season but I have Thursday Night TV season. Yes, it is my weakness. I could go for months without watching a television or even glancing twice at it (unless Rock of Love is on - yea) but when it comes to Thursday night shows returning, I'm right there like a dirty sock in a hockey bag. So if you're looking for me on a Thursday night, chances are you probably will find me in front of the TV with a bag o' chips in my Hello Kitty PJ's watching Survivor, ER or Grey's Anatomy...all three in a row! It is my weakness.

So I know I'm a little late reporting this but I wanted to give those who Tivo'd these shows the chance to catch up before I go blabbing on about what I thought. As a matter of fact I am one of those people because I have yet to watch Grey's Anatomy as my sister called and we got talking and I just didn't have the time to watch all three shows in the end so Grey's will have to wait.

ER -
OMG bawl fest 2008. Dr. Pratt was my new official favourite male doctor and now this? Come on!!! I'm really ready for this show to end (As much as it kills me to say that - but I am really excited to finish off my DVD collection for this show ha ha). I mean it was sad enough, but did they have to add the crap about the engagement ring in his pocket and then the fact that he was going to be offered the position of cheif of the ER?? Missed Luka lots, found it unbelievable that he didn't turn around and see what was happening when he (oh so obviously) heard the ambulance explode. Crap. I hate you ER people.

Survivor-
Oh how I love Survivor, not because I've been a fan since the first season, no way, I never really watched it until I started betting money on it! That sounds bad, but honestly, we have an office pool...one time I won (yea Todd!!) and it was good. Now I'm hooked. This season my $5 is on Marcus. Oh how the gods of luck must love me because my lucky pick just happened to be the most-liked dude on the show. I'm sure he's going to mess it up by being in an alliance with Charlie or Corrine but hey, he's still nice to look at. Speaking of Corrine, what was with the sweet little sales person voice and then when it was her "diary time" she turned in to the she-devil saying how she was going to laugh when people cried.

Here are a few more points I noticed while watching the show:
-Charlie: Hello? Todd Herzog called, he wants his looks and personality back.
-Michelle: Last one picked, oh how I remember those days too well.
-Umm, Olympic athlete girl? WTF!!!! How could you not get up that hill. I forgot, you shoes weigh 10 pounds (so she says). I hate it when my Nike runners weight 10 pounds...that happens all too often. Wait come to think of it, how the hell did you not get to the hill first if you are an olympic runner? I think the old lady was beating you at one point.
-Marcus: Oh so hot and doctor-y. Maybe he can replace Pratt on ER?
-Bob is flippin awesome but he needs to keep his shirt on, he looks like he's melting.
-Gillian is cute - but really old and says elephant dung way too many times for my liking. I mean, I like to talk about poop, it's my thing, but elephant dung is different...did you see that stuff? I mean, that's great it burns really well and all but picking up a pile of crap as big as your head is so not cool these days.
-What's with the girls and the knee-high socks thing? Is this a new trend?
-Michelle is the dumbest player ever. "I can't pretend to like people" Then why did you go on Survivor? I hate to break it to her, but that's the game!!! You played bad - goodbye.
-Why does everyone at tribal counsel look like they are about to burst into tears?
-Does Dan not know what a "Sandy Crater" is? Law school, smaw school...he doesn't know elephant dung!
-A lawyer whose nature is not to lie...interesting!
-I would have hated to be the one voted out before the old annoying lady. That must have sucked.

Don't fear the toilet...

Okay this is something that has been bugging me for a really long time...

A lovely New Yorker at the bar this weekend advised me that I should have no fears at all. Now I love me some New Yorkers, but man this dude was CRAZY. I mean, the un-expected "WOO" every 3 minutes made for some pretty awkward conversation, but to have no fear at all is just...insane.

When I think of things I am afraid of there are a few things that top my list:
-Brown recluse spiders
-Clowns
-Ghosts
-Burglars


...but most of all I am afraid of

Public Toilets.


I can't even explain it without going off on a tangent about it, but I actually have bad dreams that involve public toilets. I think the problem is that I am very observant in a public washroom. I notice every little disgusting tidbit of a public toilet. Maybe because I grew up as a partial-hillbilly and I distinctly remember peeing outside of the car on the side of the highway, but the thought of what kind of germs are lurking give me the creepies.

It may also be the fact that whenever an emergency arises there is always something that makes it that much harder for me to go in public. Say for instance today. I had to pee so bad on the way home from work. I actually had to go just before I left the office but I was rushing (as usual) and it was either pee or miss my bus - I decided on catching the bus. By the time I got downtown I was sooo ready to pee. I got off the bus at the mall and went to the less-than-2-month-old bathroom, figuring it would be pretty clean...afterall it's new and all.

Open stall one - Poop, clogged and something that I don't even want to remember floating.

Stall two - Pee on seat

Stall three - Pee on seat

Stall four - No TP

Stall five - I don't remember what was wrong with this one, but it was another negative...wait I think it was TP on the floor in a suspicious ball.

I finally found a stall that was up to my standards. The first thing I thought was...wow, women really are a bunch of pigs. Secondly I thought of the New Yorker from the bar and how he said to have no fears. How on earth am I suposed to face a fear of such filth? I decided to come home and research public toilets. I'm still not entirely sure it was a good idea...but for your reading pleasure (and hopefully I don't give you guys a bathroom complex like I have) here are a few little interesting facts I came across:

• Consider that when you flush with the lid up, fecal bacteria are propelled into the air, landing on the tank, the floor, the seat and the toilet paper, unless it is protected by a dispenser. Hot-air dryers can also propel bacteria around the room. (I hate the hot-air dryers!)


• Infectious-diseases experts say there is almost no chance of getting a sexually transmitted disease simply by using public toilets, although scientists have found that the herpes virus can survive for up to 72 hours on inanimate objects, and Trichomonas vaginalis, a parasite that is spread through sexual activity, can also survive on moist objects. Still, you can pretty much rule out getting an STD, even if you sit down on the toilet seat. (well that's a relief...I think)


• Studies suggest that between 20 and 50 per cent skip washing their hands after using the toilet. (bleh...)

Source: http://www.theglobeandmail.com/servlet/story/RTGAM%20.20060902.wtoilets0902/BNStory/Front/home

Although I am afraid of bathroom poop germs, I do not avoid public washrooms as I know it's pretty important not to hold your pee. I use the public washroom at work everyday...every STINKY day. These are a few of my personal bathroom rules I wish everybody would follow:

1. Don't poop. There I said it. I wish that people wouldn't infect my nostrils with their stink 3 times a day at work. Poop at home people...or courtesy flush or something.


2. Don't talk to me while I'm peeing. I can't perform. I get some sort of stage fright. I just recently got to the point where I could pee "loudly" without worrying about someone hearing me in the bathroom so I am really not ready to have a conversation about the office Survivor pool with you while I'm on the can.


3. Please wash your hands. For the love of all heck just wash your hands. I don't want to touch the door handle after your poop(and I know you pooped because the smell is making my eyes water) infested hands do.


4. If you do wash your hands, I could kiss you...but if you ran them under water for only 2 seconds you really aren't doing the world any favours. Get lost stinky.


5. If there is a whole row of empty stalls, please don't poop in the stall right beside me. That kind of behaviour usually leads to rule #2 or you begging for some TP.
   


6. I know there is a crack in the door, and I know you can see through that crack if you are at the right angle...but please don't. Also don't knock on the door to see if anybody is in there...it really doesn't help with my talk-pee performance problem.


7. Last but not least, Maxi pads, tampons...do I really need to see them? There is a place for those, use it.

Now if you are one of those who do have to poop in a public washroom (or at work) I urge you to read How To Poop At Work. It changed my life.

Tuesday Toot...

I've been looking forward to this for a few days now. This whole past weekend I have been so lazy. I just can't seem to find any motivation to get anything done. I am always super-afraid of not having anything to toot about on a Tuesday (and believe me it does happen) so this morning I put my foot down and said I was going to do something productive today I could talk about.

So I decided to sign up for driving lessons....(have you stopped laughing at me yet?). Seriously, I have never driven a car before and as of late, I have been dying to get my fingers on this...


I mean I had a good reason not to drive before, what with the environmental stuff (seriously I think about that kind of thing) and gas prices. My main reason for wanting a car is so I can visit my family a little more often. I feel so secluded from my family which then turns around to me feeling alone and depresed...it's a vicious cycle, not to mention all the freedom. I want a new beetle because I've wanted a new beetle back when they were new in 1998. It's just me. If you think of car, you think of me, you think beetle (my campaign speech). So here is another goal to add to my ever-growing list...to own a car...but not just any car, a beetle.

So anyway, I signed up for these lessons which will take place Saturday and Sunday two weeks in a row (there goes my weekends...I'm going to be so bitchy those weeks!). So that is my exciting toot for the day. Go me, Go!!

Why does he have to grow up so fast?

www.evilflu.com

I have my own domain now! I'm so proud. I don't know what it was, on Friday I woke up and thought that I should probably have my own domain so here I am...evilflu.com. Easy as pie..and cheap too!

Who has he been hanging around with?

Imagine my surprise when Mason comes in and gives me this little hot tidbit of information.

Just call me SUPERMOM....

So after a long day at work I came home, made dinner, made dinner for tomorrow, cleaned up and even had time to bake cookies with Mason. After all of that was done I even had time to come and hang around on the computer for a little bit. I feel so super-rific.

...Now I'm going to bed, I'm beat!

The orphan...

Oh my heart...Remember my post about the baby chicks? Well remember how I said I would never get a new pet since the crab pinched me...or something along those lines anyway?

Yeah. Well. We have a new "pet". Let me rephrase that, I'm actually not going to call him/her a pet just yet because this pet is actually a found pet and unfortunately as of yet I have not been able to locate the owners.

It all started yesterday when "Nana" came over to visit and told us about a bunny rabbit that came right up to her on the way over. I didn't believe her, so we went for a walk to see if it was still there. Who doesn't want to see a baby bunny right?

Sure enough (and just with my luck) the bunny was still there. In fact, this bunny came right up to me to the point that I was able to pet it. When I tried to pick him up though he ran away. Now the bunny didn't pick the best of places to hang out because this place just so happened to be on a corner of two roads. This place also just happened to be in the path of a young german shephard who proceeded to chase bunny and scare the little ball-shaped poops outta him.

We tried to coax the bunny out from under the bush to see if we could find his owners (it was so obvious he was a pet because of his friendliness and his markings...he has guinea pig markings!). It got dark pretty quickly, very cold and the mosquitos were killers.

We gave up and went home. I thought of going back out later on but it was so cold and dark...I doubt anything would have been achieved other than catching a cold. I couldn't stop thinking of this poor little bunny though and how if he ran out from under the bush the wrong way he could get run over by a car or if that dog came back..and I couldn't stop thinking about him.

Nana called me today after work and said she went by the bus and bunny was still there and he came out to her again. I really wish he wouldn't have been there in that same spot because it worried me so much. So we got our "wabbit hunting" gear and off we went. Bunny was really nervous today but after a few minutes I was able to get him into the cage and took him home. I've been searching online to see if anybody has lost a bunny but no such luck. After speaking with some neighbours in the area they said he has been out there for months and they have tried but were never able to catch him.

So until further notice, Mr. Bunny (who will remain un-named for now) lives in my basement. He's a little skittish (who wouldn't be with us crazy people around) but I did have him come up to my lap and eat some food and drink some water. He ate SO much food..it was incredible. Then he got a little angry when I tried to give him more and flung the food dish at me.

So much for my no more pet rule. I think secretly I kind of hope nobody claims him...and I know Mason is hoping for the same. I don't know if having a pet bunny is such a good idea, but he really is the sweetest little guy.

Lensday: Blue.

The theme this week is BLUE.
This picture was taken at the park and Mason was not a very willing subject that day. We were going to the splash pad so I left my SLR at home so this was taken with a P&S.

The pirate chicken farmer...

So we went to the fair (again) on Sunday. We had some tickets left over that we had to use up...unfortunately the weather didn't really agree and we ended up spending most of our time there in the buildings.

One thing I always say when I go to the fair is that I will not go into the animal barn after the first day because the animals can get pretty stinky. Today was critical though, we were running out of things to do indoors pretty quickly so we made our way over to the stink house barn.

While in the barn we happened to come acros sthe baby chick display. Now I love the baby chicks as much as the next gal and I would love to have one as a pet, as long as they stay cute and fuzzy and yellow...but I know these cute fuzzy creatures grow up into ugly poop monsters.

I also happened to notice that the owner of this particular chicken display had an eye patch on. Now I couldn't help but wonder if maybe, just maybe, one of his chickens grew tired of Mr. Chicken Farmer and decided to peck his right eye out. Now thinking of chickens pecking out people's eyes...or any kind of beak in eye motion scares the crap outta me which means we will not have any pet birds anytime soon.

My son, however, only sees the cute little fuzz ball. He doesn't see the poop, the angry eye peckers or the fact that he's allergic to feathers and the fact that my neighbours complain as soon as a weed pops up from the sidewalk at the side of my house, imagine the complaints if I had a chicken running around?

So what does he do? Well he asks the nice pirate chicken farmer if he can take a chicken home. I just kind of chuckled at the pure innocence of the question, until the farmer pirate said "You have to ask your mom!"and then looks over at me WAITING FOR A REPLY.

WTF man! What did I ever do to you? You NEVER say that to a 4 year old when it comes to bringing a cute fuzzy creature home! I thought you were nice for being so good with the kids and I only stared at the eye patch for like 30 seconds...that deserves at least an explanation of farm animals vs. city, don't you think?

So it took me a minute to compose a crafty answer. This had to be good, good enough to convince the child that I was not the bad guy here...maybe pirate chicken farmer wasn't so bad either, as much as oblivious to the fact that he just pretty much told the kid he could have a chicken. So I have my son looking at me with these big puppy dog eyes, and Old MacDonald waiting to hear what I had to say. I stumbled on some words and spat out "Uhhh...I don't think we are allowed to have chickens in the city". I did it, I played the law card, yeah me!!!

So Farmer Brown comes back with "Well, where do you live in the city?" Oh geez, kick me while I'm just getting up why don't ya? I ended up saying something about not having a chicken coop and pulled Mason outta that situation.

So in the end we got out of there chick-less. I have to admit, the farmer was a really nice person and I do wish him the best with his chickens, but he was just didn't get it! I'm sure chickens make very nice pets on a farm, maybe even in some homes...I don't know, but after the crab fiasco I'm really not open to getting any more strange pets.

Something in his eyes are saying...

I have absolutely no worries in the world. Life is great.

I (heart) Teletoon RETRO

Ohhh Teletoon RETRO how I love thee. Watching this channel brings back fond memories of sitting in my grandma's living room with that 13 inch tv in the 80inch wooden box, sitting about 1/4 of an inch away from the screen (which is probably why I am almost completely blind now...). I remember watching The Smurfs a lot. It was my favourite show.



So after catching a full episode on Teletoon RETRO tonight I realized something. I finally figured out why I'm so messed up in life...it's because I watched the smurfs 1/4 inch away from the TV...yes, that is why.

In a pinch...

About a year ago Mason and I were in the grocery store. It was one of those big mega Wal-Marts and they just so happened to have a tank of lobsters. Stupid me, thinking my almost 4-year-old would like to see the creepy little buggers so I said, "Hey Mason, let's go see the lobsters". Thinking it would bring such joy to the little guy...his eyes grew about as large as dinner plates and he screamed at the top of his lungs I DONT WANT TO SEE THE MONSTERS. I calmed him down and said a little louder...I said *LOBSTERS* not monsters.

I thought maybe it was just some sort of misunderstanding. That he really thought they were monsters. Not to mention I'm all for the face your fears stuff...except when it comes to bees...I still run when a bee is buzzing around me. So I rolled our cart over to the lobster tank. He took one look at the lobsters and went running like a mad man.

So he all of a sudden grew a fear of crustaceans. Anywhere he came across a creature with a shell and a claw he FREAKED. So imagine my shock when daycare announced they were getting not one, but three pet hermit crabs for the classroom. I was doomed. I knew it was going to be pure hell getting Mason to go to daycare with these little creatures in his classroom. The first day was a little rough, but as time went on he soon started to love the crabs. So imagine my shock when he actually started introducing me to his new crab friends and when he was excited to tell me what they did that day or what special snack they were eating. It was really quite charming.

So when I was switching his daycares, I wanted everything to go as smoothly as possible and I knew that he would miss his friends as well as his little crustaceous creature friends so I did the stupidest thing possible....I bought him his own crab, Herman. Herman Crabby McCrabbypants to be exact...he had a little help naming the crab! So we brought Herman home and everything went well. In fact, Herman began to get a little bit spoiled. Eventually he ended up with a crawl-up food bar, a coconut hut, a Batman shell and even a little crab swimming pool.

The crab mansion

One thing about Herman Crabby McCrabbypants in particular was that he loves to climb. The dude young man who worked at the pet store warned me that crabs like to climb things, but do I listen?? Nooo. I just figured he was trying to sell me the $14 lid to go with the tank just to sink me for more money...did it work? Of course! I didn't want to seem like a neglectful pet owner so I bought the stupid lid, but did I bother to put it on? Only until I fed him later on and it stayed off since because it seemed so sillly to keep taking off and putting on a lid to enjoy the crab (I think you guys see where this is going now?). So one day I'm on the comptuer and I hear a thud. I turn around to see Herman on the shelf just outside his cage!!! I rushed over and put him in the cage and put the lid with my heart beating out of my chest. I promised I would never leave the lid off again....until today that is.

The accused

Mason was standing over looking at Herman's palace cage and told me to come and look at him. So I went over...only there was no Herman in the cage. All of a sudden I saw something move out of the corner of my eye...Herman was out. So in the excitement I shrieked HERMAN GOT OUT!!! Now maybe that was the wrong choice of words because all of a sudden Mason leaps across the room in a single bound, eyes about the size of kiddy plates this time (not full fledged dinner plates...yet) and starts to cry. As if that's not enough, when I go to pick Herman up and put him back in his cage....HE PINCHES ME!!!

The evidence

Now as a side note, when I bought this creature I knew nothing. I didn't know the stupid things could climb. I didn't know what they ate and I sure as hell didn't know what it would feel like to be pinched. When I asked if they pinch, the guy said they pinch if they feel threatened and it only hurts a bit, but it would hurt a kid a lot. Well I must be a frickin baby then because right away I felt throbbing and tears well up in my eyes....plus the stupid dude forgot to mention that these little critters don't let go. So here I am with a crab swinging from my hand and by this point Mason is full-fledged hysterical and goes running out the room screaming "IT'S GOT MY MOM!!!". His eyes were now the size of dinner plates and the way he threw his arms up in the air and ran out of the room...I started laughing!! Well I guess the laughter shook the crab off my hand and I got him back into his home, but my hand hurt like heck!

Mason went and got me a Spiderman band-aid...it was actually really sweet of him since he was treating me the same way I treat him when he gets hurt. So later on I found Mason in front of Herman's tank having a boy-to-crab talk with him. It went a little something like this....

Herman, I don't love you now and when you go to the beach you better not pinch any more people.

Oh man I love that kid!

Oink to my Internet peeps!

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Sneak Peek....

I can eat up to 1000 mosquitos in an hour.....

I am the only mammal to achieve true flight...

40% of my species is either threatened or endangered worldwide!

I am a BAT!!!!

I was able to make a little compromise with him after explaining to him over and over that wearing a Batman costume 364 days of the year PLUS Halloween is just unacceptable.

When I see this picture...

I think of three things....

1) Awww he looks like a little baby here!

2) Hmmm...this could be an advertisement for organic Teddy Grams

3) OMG his hair looks just like Brandon Walsh when he fell off the cliff on Beverley Hills 90210!

Scientifically speaking...

This face *may* just have been the indicator I should have paid more attention to when we went on this kiddy ride together. Had I listened to my gut instinct, we probably could have saved ourselves the embarassment of me frantically waving for the ride operator (nicer term for carny...) to stop the ride all the while me holding my kid's head over the side of the ride so the *ahem* ride operator could stop the ride.

Luckily he did not "have to go puke" afterall...but it was a pretty close call. We ended our night after that.

This one is especially for you...

You can see the rest of the album here

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