Attack of the close standers!!

I loathe line-ups. Absolutely hate them. I have no patience nor do I have the time to waste for line-ups. Social etiquette has taught me how to handle these situations...you know the basic line up common sense...
a) Don't butt in line - it's not cool and you're annoying.
b) Don't fart in line - it's gross
c) Don't leave and come back - again, not cool
and last, but certainly not least...
d) DO NOT TRY TO CLIMB INTO MY ASS.

Line ups are terrible...and it scares me because I know in a couple of weeks we will be in endless line-ups at Disney...and it scares me to think of all the different kind of people I will encounter in these line-ups. I think the line-up offenders who are most on my mind right now are the ass-climberers. You know the ones that would probably end up climbing up your butt if you allowed them to. Yeah the ones that stand so close you can smell their breath, hear them smacking their gum and feel them give you a little jab every once in a while for reasons unknown...and reasons you probably don't want to know.


Tonight I decided to take Mason to see Madagascar 2 at the movie theatre. So there was a huge line-up to buy the ticket, a line-up for the drinks and a line-up to get into the theatre. So by the time I reached my third line I was feeling a little riled up from the line-ups. Things were going well in the lines so far but you know, three line-ups, odds are someone is going to screw you over in at least one of them!

I was having a conversation with my brother when my peripheral vision caught site of a line butter. I stopped paying attention on my bro and focused on this new found enemy. I saw her inch her way up until she stood almost in his place in line. It bothered me so much that I shoved him up and smooshed her away from the line. Well I guess Mrs. Butter didn't like that very much because she then decided to come and stand behind me, but not just behind me...like almost literally up my ass. I can't STAND when people stand too close to me. I was begging god to allow my internal organs to whip up some gas so I could blow a big stinky fart (the only defense mechanism I could think of at the time) but it just wouldn't happen. The only other time I wished to fart was the time when my friend and I bought farting powder...that's a whole other story.

So anyway, this line invader decided to breathe down my neck and do a reverse close talker on my behind. Really what can you do when someone is attacking you from behind like that? I mean you can throw the odd elbow but it gets pretty awkward.

When the movie finally let in, she goes running past everyone with her 18 kids in tow, jibbering in some other language (which I suppose she was yelling about how she won the line-up battle). I was so mad at this point...it's not even like the line-up mattered anyway and I think that is what bothered me the most...what was the point of trying to push ahead so hard when it was pretty certain we were getting a seat??

I totally forgot to plot my revenge during the movie...actually I was too flabbergasted by the violence in this so-called kid's movie...and believe me, I'm not a prude but having an old lady ran over by a car and the driver claiming she's not dead pisses me off a little when my 4-year-old is at such an influential age...of course he thought that part was totally hilarious though.

Bottom line, if you are going to try to crawl up my ass in line at least introduce yourself first and maybe we can get a drink or something before you decide to crawl up my ass.